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Please read the following post at your own risk.

I can almost guarantee that it contains an absolute hape of sarcasm, exaggeration, sh*te-talk and some unintentional insults…. Well, kind of unintentional….

So, let me set the scene for you… It’s 3.27am on a Friday morning. I’m wide awake in bed with a dressing gown and hot water bottle, typing away in the pitch dark while listening to Michael Bublé’s song ‘Lost’ on YouTube….

Yes lads, it’s official. I’m f*ckin’ pathetic.

So, anyways. It has been well over two months since I’ve written anything and all I can say is even though a lot happened during that time; inspiration was at 0% so I hung up my aul’ writing cap for a while. (Just a figure of speech though. I don’t actually wear a cap when I write.)

*Note to self*: Buy cap.

So, in order to avoid boring the absolute hole off everyone, instead of writing paragraphs upon paragraphs about the past few months, I’m just going to do out a short time-line of events in chronological order… YAY!

Note: Other bits and bobs happened during these months but they’re kind of boring and long stories so I’ll just stick to the main points.

Right, let’s roll…

2nd of Sept ’17: I competed in my 2nd IPF competition in ABS Dublin.

3rd of Sept ’17: I packed up my sh*t to move to the South of France.

3rd of Sept ’17: Only like 3 people know about this because I was completely scatthered and mortified but sure I may as well just spill the beans now…

I may have missed my flight to France. (And to those of you who know me well… YES, YES, I KNOW I’M LATE TO EVERYTHING!) Anyway, I stayed in Dublin for one more night in the hope that I’d be let on the full flight the next day….

4th of Sept ’17: Got to the airport 7 hours early this time and made it to France. True story.

Sept ’17: Worked as an Au-pair and a barmaid and met some fantastic people in the pub I was working in.

Early Oct ’17: Still in France, getting fat due to eating pasta like there was a famine announced and not having time to pi*s never-mind go to the gym.

Late Oct ’17: Miserable, still getting fat, missing everybody at home, still wasn’t training, working all day everyday and still poor as f*ck.

Nov ’17: Finally grew a pair of temporary ‘cajones’ in order to tell the people I worked for that I was miserable and that I was leaving… No sooner said than done and I was out the gap…

and no, I didn’t miss my flight back to Ireland…

Nov ’17: I went back to work in the job I had before I left and I went back powerlifting and training for my next competition. Absolutely delighted to be back.

Dec ’17: I got a second job as a ‘childcare practitioner’ in a playschool in Athlone and I absolutely love it. (Yes, don’t worry, I promise I’m qualified to be around children.)

10th of Dec ’17: I competed in my 3rd IPF competition in City Gym in Limerick. We had a grand day out and it was a great aul’ day for the parish.

Mid Dec ’17: Christmas was approaching fast and my usual ‘HOLY JAYSIS I HAVE NOTHING BOUGHT’ anxiety started to kick in.

Christmas Eve ’17: For the safety of others, I made a promise to myself that I would never, ever, ever set foot in a shopping centre during a holiday season again…. Animals. They were like animals I tell ya.

Current Day: It is now 4.39am, I’m 580 words into this blog and I’m wondering why it has taken me over an hour to write this much… I suppose you can’t rush perfection.

(I know. I laughed too…)


 

Give or take a few ups and downs, that’s about the size of it now lads.

Fair enough, France didn’t work out for me for reasons that I didn’t really include above, but for my mental and physical health, it was time for me to come home.

Before I left Ireland to move to France, a very good friend of mine told me that for reasons that I might never know, I had to make the move and experience something different whether it was going to work out or not. I knew if I didn’t, I’d always regret it. She was dead right. I appreciate what I have at home now more than I ever did because I know how it felt not to have it for a while.

I also met some people there who I hope to know for the rest of my days and you can’t put a value on that. I also re-kindled my love for white wine while I was there, so there ya go… silver-lining!


 

So, it’s going to be 2018 in a couple of days and there’s one thing I want to do before I finish up here. (Yes, I’m nearly done.) I want to just name a few things I’m thankful for in 2017, because although personally it was quite a difficult year, I have many, many things that I am very grateful for. I know nobody asked to hear these, but I don’t give a sh*te, I’m going to tell ye anyways…

Right… On to the soppy sh*t:

Things I’m grateful for in 2017:

  1. Yes, it’s my family. Duh. I love them. Simple as that… and I may not always get to see them all very often, but I always know they’re there and that they love me, because well, they don’t really have a choice in the matter…
  2. My 2 dogs. If you know me, you’ll know that they are my world.
  3. My health. Well, when I say that now I mean I think I’m generally healthy, but I feel as though if I ran a mile in the shape I’m in right now, I’d probably die. No joke.
  4. Friends. I can honestly say that I would have been a very, very lost soul this year without the support of friends. Without going into the deets, just recently, someone who I met this year really screwed me over and it hurt me big-time. At the time I was up in a heap about it, but I snapped out of it fairly lively after I had the sense talked back into me by getting some genuine advice, being able to have a good aul’ rant about it and having the occasional shoulder to cry on! As clichéd and all as it sounds, tough times really do show you who is a genuine friend. I will never be able to thank them enough, but all I can say is that they have made my life a whole lot better since they’ve come into it. (Bloody hell, I am gone fierce sentimental in me auld age….)
  5. I don’t really know what to call this one but I just want to say that I’m grateful for the different positive changes and opportunities that 2017 brought me. Whether it be the jobs I’ve gotten or the moves I’ve made, it all brought along a lot of great people too, so looking back on the year, there were a lot of pros!
  6. This website and blog! I love writing and it gives me a great feeling when I hear that someone has enjoyed reading one of my posts, so thank you to anyone who has had the patience to read my annoyingly long blogs and I hope you continue to do so in 2018!

 

I know I have definitely left out some bullet points there but it’s now 5.35am and I’m starting to feel the burn of the laptop screen on my eyeballs… A sure sign that it’s time to wrap this shizz up I think.

I might write a new years resolution post in the next few days so…

…watch this space —->[________]

Until then… Have a fantastic end of 2017 and an even better beginning of 2018 folks.


 

….Wellll this is awkward… I wanted to write a really witty and clever closing paragraph to finish this off, but I’m actually knackered here and I’m just not able to come up with anything good right now…

I suppose I’ll just say bye so…

 

Bye so.

 

J.

 

 

TV Shows described in 5 words

The following post is based on my own personal opinions and impressions of several TV shows that I have watched over the years. It is not meant as a review so don’t come cryin’ to me if you don’t like how I’ve described the shows. That is all.

 

This post was written for the following reasons:

  1. The Craic.

 


 

So yeah, there I was earlier today, working away on a new blog when I picked up my phone and went into my ‘notes’ for some unknown reason. To my delight, my most recent note to myself was one with the title: “Describe TV shows in 5 words” and I thought ‘Thank you Jesus” because I had hit a serious road-block with the other post and I was glad to work on something else.

You see, I’m always wide awake at night and I’m more like a flaming thorn-bush of hatred in the mornings, so I do my best thinking at night. I do often make a note of ideas I have for writing about and so Bob’s your uncle and all that; here we are!

So yeah, that’s what I’m gonna do! Wellll, when I say describe, I mean it more like; ‘The 5 words that come to mind when I think of this TV show’ kind of thing…. If ya get me.

As I said above, there is no real reason behind this blog. I just think it will be a fun challenge for me and MAAAYYYBEE someone might get a laugh out of it.

If not… I’ll just delete the website and never write again………. Too dramatic? Thought so!

Let’s get on with it then…

…and Don’t worry, there is no need for a ‘Spoiler Alert’. I don’t really give much away in my descriptions so you don’t have to read this with one eye closed.

TV Shows described in 5 words:

 

1. Orange is the New Black: Lesbian prisoners sell their knickers.

 

2. Daredevil: Blind superhero can’t see sh*t.

 

3. Once upon a time: Fairy-tale characters high on acid.

 

4. How to get away with murder: Alcoholic lawyer teaches ‘yuppy’ f*ckers.

 

5. Homeland: Crazy blonde b*tch catches terrorists.

 

6. Pretty little liars: Dead girl isn’t actually dead OR Five gobsh*tes do stupid sh*t.

 

7. Breaking Bad: Dying teacher cooks unreal meth.

 

8. House of cards: Dodgy politician climbs Washington’s ladder.

 

9. Grey’s Anatomy: Unluckiest hospital in the world.

 

10. The 100: Teenagers f*ck up earth again.

 

11. The Walking Dead: Zombies left, right and centre.

 

12. Game of Thrones: (Never watched this but I’m gonna give it a go using what I        have heard.) Land, murder, dragons and ridin’. (How did I do?!)

 

13. Dexter: Introvert ‘gets off’ on killing.

 

14. American Horror Story: Your nightmares in a nutshell.

 

15. True Blood: Vampires ride and eat everyone.

 

16. Stranger Things: 80’s kids search for friend OR Bald kid gets nose bleeds.

 

17. American Vandal: Student paints d*cks on cars. (That’s supposed to be an ‘i’ not a ‘u’ by the way….)

 

18. The Big Bang Theory: Five nerds and two blondes OR Science, hot beverages and knocking.

 

19. 13 Reasons Why: Girl records reasons friends suck.

 

20. The Killing: Cynical ginger woman solves murders.

 

21. Scandal: President bangs his communications director.

 

22. The Good Wife: Cheating lawyers defend dodgy b*stards.

 

23. Glee: High School Musical on steroids.

 

24. The Flash: Fast lad does cool sh*t.

 

25. That’s so Raven: Psychic teenager makes stupid faces.

 

26. Powerpuff Girls: Three psycho b*tches fight crime.

 

27. Scream Queens: Idiots murdered one by one.

 

28. Lost: What the f*ck’s going on?

 

29. Keeping up with the Kardashians: Absolute gobsh*tes doing absolutely nathin’.

 

30. Nashville: Sex, drugs and Country music.

 

To be continued…


 

Aw lads I’m knackered trying to think of more shows that I’ve watched, so I’m gonna leave her there for now. Feel free to comment any that you come up with yourselves. I’d love to hear them!

I’m working on two other blogs at the minute (try and contain the excitement now), but I don’t want to publish them too soon. You know what they say; nothing worse than premature publication right?! Ay ay?! (I’ll see myself out….)

Anyhoo, that’s it… I’ll hopefully get to post again this weekend with some amaaaaazingly funny shtuff, so until then…

 

Have a great week & be good.

 

J.

 

A list of Sh*t I hate

The opinions expressed in the following post are personal and are not intended to offend or upset anyone. However, if this does occur; please pick up the nearest phone and call someone who cares.

Kidding, kidding…

For anyone who is reading this and hasn’t ever read any of my other stuff, I’m warning you now; I am very, very sarcastic. Not mean. Just very sarcastic… (ok maybe a bit mean but, meh…)

Now that we’ve that cleared up, I’ll get into the good stuff… (yes, it does get better than this.)

I’ve spent the last few days compiling a list of ‘sh*t I hate’ and just making note of it in my phone and surprise, surprise; I hate a lot of sh*t. I don’t want to seem like a super moany b*tch, but I just thought it would be fun to make a list and see if other people hate the same things that I do. Super fun right?!

I might follow-up this post with a list of ‘sh*t I love’, but that might be a bit too soppy so I’ll see about that one…

*Side note: I am aware that there are ACTUAL problems in the world and that most of the things on this list are pathetically petty, but it’s just for entertainment purposes, so chill the beans…

Right so, without further doo-doo, I present to you; the list…

Sh*t I hate:

In no particular order…

  1. When I burn my tongue on the first sip of tea. My day is genuinely ruined when this happens.

 

2. When I accidentally rip the cardboard tab at the top of the cereal box. WHY can’t I do anything right?

 

3. When I order food WITHOUT salad/grass on the plate and the food comes WITH salad/grass on the plate… Do I need to write it down for ya’ll?

 

4. General talking on the phone but especially having to call people to make appointments… I’ve to have a script done out or I panic and hang-up before they answer.

 

5. Wearing a sock with a hole.

 

6. Wearing 2 socks with 2 holes.

 

7. Salad.

 

8. Sh*te WiFi. I would genuinely rather no WiFi at all.

 

9. Ketchup in general is offensive and I strongly feel as if it should be banned from public places. Just sayin’.

 

10. Big groups of insects. They may be small, but they creep me out when they’re in gangs.

 

11. Hand dryers in public bathrooms. Could they BE any louder?

 

12. Burps. Can’t cope with them. Absolute pet hate of mine.

 

13. Not being able to eat bread for breakfast, lunch and dinner without becoming a chunky monkey.

 

14. When I go into a supermarket for 1 item and there is ALWAYS someone standing right in front of the shelf I need to look at… Every. Single. Time.

 

15. I spill my tea on myself at LEAST once a day without fail. Seriously considering using a sippy-cup.

 

16. The absence of an apostrophe when it’s necessary. (See what I did there?!)

 

17. The sea. Yeah it looks fab but, it stinks, it’s full of crazy-ass creatures and you can like, die.

 

18. The character Emily in ‘Friends’. I don’t care what anyone says, she was a d*ck. Fact.

 

19. The fact that there is still a lizard hiding in my bathroom and I fear that he is waiting patiently for the perfect moment to re-enact the shower scene from psycho… (updates to come)

 

20. People who use the word ‘bae’ un-sarcastically. Who is ‘bae’ and where the f*ck did they come out of?

 

21. A new-found hate of mine; dirty, rotten mosquito b*stards.

 

22. Liquorice. I really don’t get it. You might as well eat tar. Also, the smell of it reminds me of that one time I almost died. (Shoutout to sambuca for that one.)

 

23. The ending to the series ‘The Good Wife’… WHAT the hell was that about? Seven seasons for what? Shockin’ disappointed I was.

 

24. Someone touching my food. I’m all good with the sharing, not with the touching. (Sounds dodge, but ya get what I mean.)

 

25. When you bite into a slice of pizza, all the cheese comes off and you burn your chin. WHY MEEEE???

 

26. Noise in general. I’m gone fierce sensitive to loud noises in me auld age.

 

27. When there’s no milk for a droppeen a tae. I won’t even go there.

 

28. Busting a hole in my fave jeans. Three pairs gone. THREE. (I blame the government.)

 

29. Someone talking to me while I eat. Food will always take priority, so SHADDUP ’til I’m done.

 

30. When you’re standing in a queue in a shop and the person behind you is so close to you that you nearly have to invite them home with ya for the dinner. Get off me back ya dose.

 

Aaaaaand that’s it!

I think I’ll leave it at 30. There are many more, but I’ll hold it there for now. All genuine hates of mine. No fiction here lads! Well I enjoyed putting that list together. I feel like there’s a real weight off my shoulders… Ahhhh

Hopefully someone got a laugh out of one or two of them or at least related to a few! I’ll try and make my next blog less negative…. (Pfffft, yeah right.)

That’s it from me folks.

Have a great week,

Á bientot,

J.

The ‘D’ word

The following post is based on personal experiences and may contain mature themes…

(Bet you’re curious now…)

Sooo, I got lost driving around Mougins (Moo-zhan) today because I felt like too much of a dumbass to go back into the house to ask someone how to use the SatNav, so I just drove in a random direction, (as you do) and ended up turning back home again after 20 minutes… At least I got out for a nice spin anyway!

Oh yeah, guess what happened THEN; after a loooooonng day, I made myself a mug a tae, (Barry’s. None of your French sh*te), I put it on the coffee table while I went to get something in the kitchen and came back to find Rocco (the 5 month old Wolfhound X) slurping out of my mug of tea while dripping it all over my phone. Now, most people would flip, but all I could do was laugh at the poor shmuck and the big mustache of tea he had. Gas it was….. Ya had to be there I sh’pose.

I know nobody asked; but that was my day! Anyways… I am going to head down a totally different route with this blog, but I’ll try not to darken the mood too much so I’ll pop in an odd funny pic here and there… for example…

Change of plan…..

Ok, funny story (not really though), I tried finding a/an hilarious picture to put above here but I actually couldn’t find any good ones so instead of re-typing the last paragraph, I am just gonna tell ye now, I’m scrapping the whole pic thing this time ’round. It’s 50% the internet’s fault and 50% pure laziness on my part. Anyway, enough sh*te-talk. On to the blog…

The serious bit…

Right, well I’m sure you all know somebody who suffers with, or you yourself suffer with some sort of mental illness, whether it be depression, bi-polar disorder, general anxiety or whatever it may be. It’s becoming more and more common, but a lot of people are still uncomfortable talking about it because they might feel as if they will be treated differently because they have an illness or because they will be seen as ‘mental’.

Well, in this day and age, the only thing that’s ‘mental’ is that there are still some people out there who will make someone feel that way, but whatchyagonnado?…..(Bate them)…..Kidding……Kinda…

So anyway, I wanted to talk a little about my own experience with depression… DUN DUN DUNNNNNN… BUT Before I do, I just want to start by saying this; depression doesn’t make me more special than anyone else, it doesn’t make me feel like I’m more interesting, I didn’t ‘self-diagnose’ or ‘google diagnose’ myself and NO, I’m not looking for attention. Anyone who knows me, knows (or should know) that I am quite the opposite of an attention seeker and it would be a bit ridiculous to use something like that to get attention…. (Some people do it and it drives me f*cking bananas, but we’ll let them off… the big sad B*stards.)

So now that I’ve gotten that part out of the way… (Over 500 words in and I’m still sh*te talking…Jayyysissss.)

RIGHT. Drive on Joanne……DRIVE ON…

OK lads… There are probably two main reasons for this post; 1. I want to (hopefully) write something that a lot of you can relate to by talking about a ‘serious’ subject in a kind-of blunt or a more ‘human’ way than someone who uses big, intelligent words (unlike myself) and then 2. So I can use this post to maybe help myself and put what I deal with into words and use it as a bit of ‘literary therapy’. Oooh fawwncy.

On we go…..

Up until a few years ago, nothing felt out of the ordinary and occasionally I was just the normal amount of sad. Like for instance, when something bad happened or if I had a bad day then yeah, of course I’d be sad. So, in the past few years, things have completely changed and I realised that I was actually sad all of the time.

I have often tried, but it is very, very hard to put into words the feeling of it. It’s as if I had no control over my own head, thoughts, emotions or even my life.

One thing I can say is that I have never felt ashamed of this part of my life and nobody should. I don’t think it makes me or anyone else weird… It’s other crap that makes me weird, but I’ll leave that story for another time… (I know ye’re thinking; ‘Thank God!’)

So yeah, things kind of escalated from there and instead of just being sad all of the time, I didn’t even want to be awake or have to think anymore. I didn’t want to see any people, I didn’t want to get out of bed, dreaded communicating in general with anyone but at the same time, I hated my own company and didn’t want to be alone either. How can ya win?! For months and months I suffered with insomnia to the point where I actually dreaded when it would be nighttime because I knew what it meant…

It was as if I was in a battle with myself in my own head and it was draining the energy out of me. The simplest of tasks, like holding a conversation with someone seemed like a chore and I found myself becoming a pretty good actress at times just to remain ‘friendly’ or ‘normal’. Now don’t get me wrong, this has no reflection on anyone I was talking to, it was just that I didn’t feel capable of any natural social interaction without having to pretend that I was ‘as happy as Larry’ and all that… (Larry always seems to be havin’ a great time fair play to him.)

Over time, I’ve spoken to a few people about this before and I know it’s a common enough thing (what I just described above), but I can only speak for myself. I’m not an expert, I’m just talking about what I know from my own experience so don’t quote me on anything!

So anyway, at first, I hadn’t actually told anybody about what I was feeling because I couldn’t explain it. I found myself hating everything. I literally had a negative thought about everyone and everything and I was exhausted being in my own head. I honestly felt as if I was losing myself. I then thought that I was just a grumpy, cynical b*tch who hated the world (to be fair, I probably am one of those too), but now that I’ve seen my doctors, been diagnosed, found medication that works for me, I can finally see that I wasn’t myself at all.

Obviously medication isn’t the answer to everything and there is of course an answer for whatever ‘imbalance’ happens in the brain for these things to happen, but for now, I’m very, very, very thankful that I no longer feel the way I did before this 100% of the time. Because to be honest; it was f*cking awful. Of course I still have bad days or weeks with it, but I am feeling so much better than I was.

I suppose one thing that some of you could get out of reading this (assuming that someone reads this, ha) is that if you do feel as if you aren’t yourself or you’re ‘down’ or sad more often than not, there may very well be a simple solution. Whether it’s meds, counselling, meditation or whatever other options that you have to try; don’t settle for sadness… (I should trademark that…Quite catchy that one now.)

Although I am over a thousand words into this here, there is a lot I haven’t shared and it’s not because I don’t want to, it’s more that I don’t want to bore you all, unintentionally worry anyone or scare anyone away from reading my stuff because I’m seriously desperate for readers…. DON’T LEAVE!!!! Kidding, kidding……

But yeah, seriously though; in the very recent past, I have had some very, very dark days that I don’t plan on re-living, and I can honestly say that although I knew I had someone I could to talk to, at the time I (stupidly) had no desire to ask for help and I was 100% wrong by thinking that way.

God forbid I find myself in dark times again, I have to remember to ask the people who care about me for a hand back to ‘the other side’. (Sounds very dramatic, but ya know what I mean.)

Believe it, or believe it not; even if you are an absolute w*nker, I can guarantee you, there is someone who loves you and cares about you enough to help and talk to you when you need it. You’re needed more than you think. Ya hear me?!

(Jaysis, I am gone fierce sentimental in me auld age!)

 

The conclusion:

Moral of the story;

  1. You’re not crazy
  2. Depression is super common so don’t be afraid of it
  3. You’re not special (no offence, but none of us are…..aww maaan…)
  4. Even if you’re a d*ckhead, help is always there when you need it
  5. You should ‘like’ this blog on Facebook ’cause I need the publicity (just trying to lighten the mood there)
  6. Find what works for you in terms of help. Just because meds work for me, does not mean they are for everyone. Even I know they are only a temporary solution
  7. Don’t settle for sadness.

Ah would ya look at that, a list of 7; me fave number!

I hope I didn’t bore you all with my rambling and I also hope that at least one person may have related to some part of this. At the end of the day, I’m just one person sharing a personal experience; I’m not a doctor or an expert.

I’ll be back next time with something hilarious to balance things out again!

 

Until then…

Try to be good, be nice and be happy.

 

J.

 

Miss me yet?

Note: I don’t even know yet if I’m going to write anything offensive, but just in case… No offence is intended in the writing of this blog. If you do get offended, then you obviously have no sense of humour and you shouldn’t be here. K, bye…


I know you all can’t see it, but while I’m writing this, there is a squiggly red line underneath the word ‘humour’ above this and it’s really grinding my gears.

I mean, C’MON America, whenn r y’all gunna lern 2 spel tings write?! Huh…

That’s enough of my jibba-jabba, let’s get on with it…


Well, it’s hard to believe that it has been almost 2 months since I’ve written one of these. Shocking, I know. The fans will be gettin’ crabby…

So, how are we?

Since the last time I was talking to you all, I have packed up and moved my ass over to the South of France for a while… (Read my previous blog post to catch up on the shtory there because I haven’t the energy to type it out again.)

So yeah, I’m here over a week now and even in that short space of time, I have learned a lot about France and the French that I didn’t know before, and let’s face it, I didn’t know anything so it’s all a plus!

…*7 hours later*

I started writing this post this morning and I thought I was on a roll, but I had to go and adult for a few hours there and lost my concentration, so I might ramble on a bit.

Seriously though, I can only be useful for a certain amount of hours a day and I’m pretty much running on fumes at this stage… so bare/bear with me… (Use whichever one is right… I’m drawing a blank here.)

So, just for the people who know me and might be wondering how I’m getting on; everything is going good, I’ve settled in well, the job is great, the kids are so lovely, I am keeping up the powerlifting training and yes; I have in fact eaten my own body weight in bread… To be fair, it was bound to happen. This is me we’re talking about here.

It’s kind of strange; even though I’m in a country I had never even been to before now, when I’m in the house, it doesn’t even feel like I’m in a different country, because the family I work for aren’t French, so I’m very comfortable with them and I feel at home… But then I leave the house, someone talks to me in French and I’m just like “AAAAGGHHHH DON’T TALK TO ME, I DON’T KNOW WORDS”…. *runs away*….

But yeah, everything is just dandy!

Ah no, I’m happy out besides the language barrier in shops and that. I’m using an app to teach myself basic French though because there is only so far you can get by nodding and smiling at everyone. They’re going to start to think I’m just a proper dumbass if I keep doing that…

Aw lads the car… I’m feelin’ like a right beasht now driving around in a big automatic Audi. Four kids in the back & me there roaring “MOVE B*TCH, GET OUT THE WAY” at the other cars….. Ah Jaysis no I don’t do that… but can ya imagine though…

It’s one mighty vehicle altogether. Thank God it’s an automatic, because you should see some of the crazy steep roads and lane-ways they have here. The clutch would probably be gone in no time in a manual with all the hill starts in traffic jams!

Enough of that nonsense now. This is off topic altogether but; great news lads!… My next IPF competition (powerlifting) is on the 10th of December and I can’t flipping wait! I entered it there this evening and I’ll be flying back for it and will hopefully get to see the aul’ fam while I’m there. (Of course I will… sure me mother would have me murdered if I didn’t.) Anyway, I’m delighted now that I have an actual event to train towards again to keep me focused. That being said, I should have gone to train today, but did I?… I’ll let ye guess that one yourselves…

So the competition… It was just announced as a ‘last chance’ open competition to qualify for the 2018 Nationals, but I am just focusing on competing to put up a new total, because the standards are crazy high to qualify for Nationals and I probably won’t make it this time… It’s not that this is a really touchy subject for me or anything but let’s just move past it really swiftly… *crawls into corner crying*……. kidding!…Sort of…

I suppose I’m going to get a tad sentimental here for a minute… *dims lights*…

I won’t get too soppy here now but, before I came over here, I was up in a metaphorical heap of sadness over leaving people behind… (You would swear I was moving away or something?!…….oh wait….)

I wouldn’t mind, but I was actually grand until I was handed a lovely ‘good luck’ card signed by my club mates after the powerlifting competition we were at the day before I flew out. Just at that moment, I completely lost all control over my waterworks. (I mean that I started crying….. I didn’t p*ss myself or anything.)

I’m going to be honest here though; I am a seriously ugly crier… Like, full-on red face, mascara everywhere, shnots streaming and the lot, so all I kept thinking was “F*CK YE AND YE’RE CARD, I LOOK LIKE TOTAL SH*TE NOW…. WAAAAAAHHHHHHH…” But anyways…. I’d like to say I pulled myself together then, but I swear, I was crying like a lil’ b*tch the whole way home in the car and throughout the night while we were out for drinks I would just randomly start bawling again, so yeah… Obviously I’m completely emotionally stable….Ahem…. but yeah, it was so sweet of them and it meant so much to me. I miss them all madly, so just a little shout-out to my APC buds…xXx

Right, that’s enough sad talk before I start again…

Anyways… My point is; it nearly killed me to leave, but I am enjoying my time here now that I’ve made the move!

It’s a scary thing to do though when you can’t be guaranteed to like the place, so I am very fortunate to be in a good situation here…. (Serious bad buzz about the fact that they haven’t discovered turkey burgers over here yet though… get with the times people, it’s not 2015 anymore.)

While I’m here, I just want to throw this random statement in; all mosquitos are w*nkers and I hate them. That is all.

…I had actually planned on writing a super funny list of things I have discovered about France since being here, but I’m not feeling very witty today so I went with a super long essay style blog instead… everyone’s fave! I’ll just keep the list one for next time when I’m my usual hilarious self again…. *Watch this space.*

Anyways lads, I hope to write a bit more frequently, so I shall talk to you all soon about what I’ve been up to.

Just one last thing though….. I love the way I’ve typed over a thousand words here, yet back in school, if I had to do that, I’d have just been like; “Nope. I don’t even know that many words, it’s impossible and I hate writing about sh*t.”

….and now I LOVE writing about sh*t!… Lucky ye!

Have a great week.

A bientot,

J.

Au revoir… for now

Warning: The following post is guaranteed to cause a serious dose of ‘the watery eyes’ once you read the news.

 


 

Bonjour! Well that’s it… the extent of my French.

So here’s my news; *drum-roll*………I’m moving to the South of France!  To be more specific, I’m moving to a place 10 minutes from Cannes in an area called Mougins. (I’m not sure how that’s pronounced but I’m assuming the ‘s’ is ilent?!)

I know, I know, you’re all heartbroken right?…..Right?

It hasn’t really sunk in yet but I’m super excited about going and I’m up in a heap at the same time! I mean, it’s fairly unlike me to make such a big change but I think I need this… Ya know, YOLO and all that! It’s about time I did something different with my life… Ya know9, something other than changing to gluten-free bread. (Wild, I know.)

Before I go on, I just want to state a few things; (this is more for my own peace of mind)

1. I am 100% continuing with powerlifting training and will be coming back to Ireland for any events and competitions etc…

2. I checked and there are gyms within 10 minutes walking distance from where I will be living so I’ll have no excuses.

3. I actually don’t have a third thing to say but it always looks better when a list has 3 parts.

So yeah, I’m going to be working as an au pair (live-in nanny) minding 4 children for a family with one Irish parent, one English parent and then the 4 kids (or ‘sproggs’ as some people call them!) Seeing as I did German in school, luckily enough, the parents aren’t French and they run a chain of Irish bars in France so there won’t be too much of a language barrier… Well, that is unless I meet someone from Kerry over there, ’cause nobody ever knows what they’re saying!

I’m not going to get into too many details but it was a great job offer, I get my evenings and weekends off, they have a pool and the living situation will be really good so I couldn’t say no!

The family I’ll be working for are spending the month of August in Ireland so I am going to get to meet them while they’re here (and charm their socks off of course) and then I’ll be heading over for good in the first week of September. I won’t know what has hit me with the good weather there but I guarantee you I will come back still looking like a milk-bottle!

I’m not going to lie, I’m definitely going to really, really, REALLY miss some people (and dogs) when I go and that part of it kills me and makes me not want to go. All of those people might not know who they are but I plan on letting them know. Even though I’m very independent, I’ve never dealt well with seperation from people (yes I’m a big sap), but I have to just keep reminding myself that I can come back and visit at any time, it’s not forever and I’m not going to be a million miles away! (This is me trying NOT to talk myself out of going…. As you can see, it’s going well.)

On the bright side, I am going to have a lot more things to blog about! (Aren’t you all so lucky?!) I’ll hopefully get a bit of travelling done on the weekends to give me something to write about and get some good photos too… *Watch this space…*

In the mean-time, I’m trying to spend more time with the people I care about. (I know, cringe.) Over the past few years I definitely haven’t taken advantage of any of my free-time so I’m going to use it now to see friends and family and hope that they have free-time too! I know there’s Facebook and all that to help me keep in-touch with people but it’s just not the same talking to a phone or computer screen ya know? It’s not like you can give your laptop a hug… Well you can, but it would be weird.

Anyways, I literally have nothing done to organise myself for going. I know packing will be the last thing but even that will be a challenge. Let’s just say, I wouldn’t be the lightest packer… Other than that, I’m a bit in the dark. I mean, I don’t even know what I should be doing? Can I even use my phone over there? Or my Visa Debit card? What sort of plugs do they use? WHO AM I?!!!!

*Calms self*……This is what happens when I start to think about it so I might just leave this stuff ’til the last minute… like I normally do.

Well, that’s the most news I’ve had in a while, but before I start to make this long story any longer, I better wrap things up.

So, to summarize; I’m going to try and see as many people as I can before I go (you could be next), I’m heading off in the first weekend in September (giving you all enough time to organise my going away party… don’t worry, I’ll act surprised) and I now need to go and ask if there is a maximum amount of suitcases one can bring on a plane… asking for a friend….. I swear.

 

Until next time…

 

J.

 

What parents say VS what they actually mean

The characters and events in this blog are fictitious. Any apparent similarity to real persons is not intended by the author and is either a coincidence or the product of your own troubled imagination.

(I’d like to be able to say that I came up with that myself, but no, I had to copy and paste that sh*t.)


 

SO, I’ve been thinking about writing this one for a while and I finally got around to it… Albeit at 4am on a Friday morning, but sure I do my best thinking at this time!

We all say things sometimes when really we mean something else altogether… We just hope that the other person will get the hint and not take offence. I thought I’d come up with a short list of examples of how parents can be guilty of this!…. You’re more likely to relate if you’re Irish I think but still, Enjoy…

Note: No offence was intended in the writing of this blog.

1.

The use of dreaded technology

What parents say: “Oh God, I haven’t a clue how to use this yoke, sure we didn’t grow up with phones, will you send this text for me?”

What they mean: “I’m going to milk the whole ‘I’m old and can’t use technology’ thing for as long as I can so that I don’t have to write my own texts because I couldn’t be arsed, so will you do it for me?”


 

2.

The clothes line

What parents say: “JAYSIS will you bring in the clothes off the line, it’s starting to piss!!!”

What they mean: “You better run like a b*stard and get those clothes in or ther’ll be shlaps thrown all sides… and make sure you hang them up inside too.”


 

3.

The third degree

What parents say: “Where are you off to?”

What they mean: “Where are you going? Who are you going to see? How long will you be gone? What are you going to be doing? What time will you be back and will you bring home a litre of milk with you?”


 

4.

The ‘subtle’ question

What parents say: “Had you enough money?”

What they mean: “You better give me back my change ya little sh*t.”


 

5.

The guilt trip

What parents say: “Don’t go gettin’ me anything for my birthday now, save your money.”

What they mean: “I’m only telling you not to get me anything so that you’ll feel guilty and do a heap of housework to make up for not getting me a present.”


 

6.

The attempt at reverse psychology

What parents say: “Right so, it’s up to yourself if that’s what you want to do…”

What they mean: “If you do it, you’re a muppet and don’t say I didn’t warn you…………………….don’t do it.”


 

7.

The outfit

What parents say: “That’s what you’re wearing is it?”

What they mean: “Holy mother of Jesus what is she wearing out, the whole family will be put to shame.”


 

8.

The warning

What parents say: “Mind yourself on the road now.”

What they mean: “Get a scratch on my car and God love you, you needn’t bother coming home.”


 

9.

The trick

What parents say: “Dinner’s ready!”

What they mean: “Dinner isn’t ready yet, but I called you knowing that it would piss you off to have to wait another 15 minutes.”


 

10.

The test

What your mother says: “Go and ask your dad.”

What she means: “That fella better not say ‘yes’ or I’ll bate him.”


 

11.

The test results

What your dad says: “What did your mother say?”

What he means: “Don’t ask me, just do what your mother said or she’ll bate me.”


 

12.

The throwback

What your parents say: “I wouldn’t have gotten away with doing something like that when I was your age.”

What they mean: “I don’t give a sh*t what dodgy stuff I did back in the day, you’re not gettin’ away with it now.”


 

13.

The remote

What your parents say: “Is there anything on TV you want to watch?”

What they mean: “LOL JK, tough sh*t, The Late Late Show is on!”


 

 

To be continued…


 

Happy Friday & have a great weekend.

 

J.