You know you’re house-sharing…

Holy-Mary-Mother of God. It has been almost a year since I’ve written a blog. Where did 2019 go at all, at all? I’ve done a few short pieces on social media every so often and 2 ‘challenge’ videos, but I don’t count those as blogs. So, here I am, on the 1st of December, making an attempt at writing something entertaining for the first time in 11 months or so. This should be interesting… or disastrous.

I thought that maybe a ‘list’ style blog would be best to ease myself back in and also make this a bit shorter to read than my usual essay-shtyle ones.

So this is the shtory…

…in the last month, I’ve moved home to Mayo after living in Athlone for over 8 years. (Story for another day.)

Anyways, I was living in shared accommodation for pretty much all of those 8 years and usually lived with 3 other people, so when I moved home, it got me to thinking about the differences between living with a few people who were initially ‘strangers’ and now living back at home again. Most of us have experienced both, so hopefully you can all relate to some of my own personal experiences!… and for the record, I mean no offence to anyone in the list below. It’s just a compilation of observations from all the places I’ve lived…So, without further doo-doo, let’s get this show on the road…

You know you’re house-sharing…


1- Unless you’re expecting a takeaway, you do not, under any circumstances, answer the door to anybody. (Could be the po-po, the T.V licence w*nker or worse: the landlord.)

2- When your milk starts to mysteriously go missing, you must demonstrate a game of Tetris with your food in the fridge in order to hide your beloved carton of milk in the back corner. (Sorry, but tea is too important to ever risk being left milk-less.)

3- Cutlery doesn’t exist. It’s a myth and you may as well just get used to eating everything with your hands.

4- Rule No.1: Never, ever, EVER leave your favourite mug in a communal area. Some f*cker WILL take it, break it… and then it’s gone. Foreverrrrr… (Top tip there.)

5- You might think you’ve just cleaned the kitchen, but really it’s just an illusion and if you blink twice, it will have magically transformed back into the bomb-site it previously was. Some real voodoo sh*t right there.

6- It’s true what they say; you really don’t know someone until you’ve lived with them. (Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes absolutely f*ckin’ chronic…)

7- Even the smallest person can resemble the sound of a herd of rhinos doing River-dance on the floor above yours. My suggestion: Earplugs… Or a headbutt. (Either works.)

8- You somehow have to fit everything you’ve ever owned in a very average-sized bedroom. The saying: “Not able to swing a cat” comes to mind.

9- You roam the house in P.Js, a dressing gown, 2 blankets, fluffy socks, slippers and a hot-water bottle strapped to your waist in the attempt to further postpone buying a tank of oil. (It didn’t work. We had to get oil.)

10- For some unknown reason, the oven and microwave take twice as long to cook things as they do back in your home-house. (First-world probs.)

11- The kitchen bin is not a bin, it’s actually a game of “How high can we stack this sh*t up before muggins (me) empties it and puts in a new one?” Srsly. Not cool.

12- You can run, you can hide, but you can not have a conversation without everyone in the house, the neighbours and yer-man up the road hearing you.

13- Sleep-in? Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. No.

14- People’s untidiness and inability to clean gives you actual heart-palps and anxiety on the daily. Y u do dis?

15- Your housemates see you looking your ugliest more than anyone else does. Sincerest apologies for that. I’ll send a card.

16- You can identify who’s cooking by the smell of the food in the house. Garlic? Yep, know who that is.

17- If a light goes, say your goodbyes. It’s gone and nobody’s bringing it back. RIP.

18- Thanks to the lack of an electric shower and a dodgy immersion, you’ve had to take more cold showers than a hormonal teenage boy. (Never gets easier.)

19- You’re delighted with yourself because you’ve gotten paid, you’re planning a night out and you have some money left-over after paying your bills, but then BOOM: Rent’s due, day ruined.

20- Although it’s painfully awkward, you feel the need to say ‘hey’ to your housemate every single time you see or pass by them in the house. (Even if it’s 16 times. Yes, 16. Awkward. Painful encounters.)

21- No matter whether you’re male or female, there’s always a ‘Mammy’ of the house… and if you don’t know who it is, then it’s you. Mammy.

22- You picture the landlord/lady as a dangerous mythical creature that will come and murder you in the middle of the night if you break, dirty, scratch or move anything in the house… Just me? Ok, just me.

23- You’re forced to take on extra adult responsibilities like paying bills, buying oil, calling electricity companies to find out what DAFUCK is going on and you don’t like it. You don’t like it one damn bit.


Well there it is, just some of my experiences from house-sharing. I squeezed my brain dry trying to think of those ones tonight, I must be out of practice. This thinking business is getting hard.

If you’ve got some of your own ones, comment or holler them at me in a message, I’d love to hear them. Sarcasm and dark humour always welcomed with open arms.

I must say, it was nice to be back writing a little bit. I missed it and I’ll hopefully have a brain-wave rather than a brain-fart soon and get the words flowing again.

Alrighty then, thanks for reading and I hope someone enjoyed it!…Someone? Anyone? No? K.

Over & out.

J.

The 2018 Poem

Warning: If you don’t like poems, you won’t like this post, because: DUN DUN DUNNN; it has a poem.

It’s a cool poem though… I promise… So keep reading…


 

Well, how is everyone doing?

Enter answer here –>______________

Just kidding, you can’t do that. Sorry. That would have been cool…

Anyways, I haven’t written since August. I have no excuse really, just the usual rubbish of  being busy working, the lack of motivation and avoiding the effort of taking the laptop out of the bag and all that kind of thing. See, no excuses whatsoever…

So, back in November, I had an idea to compile a recap of 2018 into a poem. (AS ya do.)

Why, you might ask? God and his mother only knows why. Ah no, I do have a reason…

Anyone who has read any of my other posts will know that; I usually ramble on for ages and ages (sorry) when I’m writing about a long period of time (like a year for example) and I usually find it hard to squeeze in all the info I want to include. There’s also that struggle of trying to make it somewhat entertaining (it does take some effort ya know) and so, to try and avoid the rambling, I figured it would be a whole lot easier to do a poem-style ‘summary’ if you will, and write one ‘verse’ for each month of 2018.

It’s kind of a summary of world news from the year and some things I did in 2018 too… Which, to be fair; was f*ck all! But sure look, who doesn’t love an aul’ poem! (Don’t answer that…)

Before I let ye go to read the poem, I just want to say something real quick about my overall experience of 2018 and what I’m taking from it. I know ye didn’t ask, but tough tiddies, I’m tellin’ ye anyways…

At the risk of being a cliché, 2018 was a year of many ups and downs for me. Yes, some good things happened, I think I met a few new people… genuinely don’t know if I did or not but I’m not very sociable so I wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t, but anyways… I spent time with people I love, I visited Germany for the first time, I went to 3 or 4 concerts and I was recently offered a new job too… (I start later on this month…but that’s a story for another day…)

So, without going into details, I’ve decided that my main goals for 2019 are going to focus on benefiting my mental and emotional health. So, instead of complaining about the problem, I’m just making note of this;

To those people who made 2018 a whole lot more difficult for me than it should have been; you won’t have a role in my 2019. Soz huns. (They’re totes not even reading this but it’s the thought that counts… right?)

I’m sure a few of you feel the same way about some people in your lives too, so a bit of distance is no harm!

Right, that’s the end of that. On a lighter note, let’s get poetic up in here…

(I think ye’ll get the ‘tune’ of the poem after the first few lines so it should get easier to read…)

Enjoy…


The 2018 Poem

 

Oh January, you hoor of a month. It could never end too soon.

I started in a brand new job and there was a bit of a ‘Supermoon’.

I think I went to Jump Lanes too and almost flattened a kid. (Accident)

I checked my Snapchat memories for this, to find out what I did.

(Well, at least the first four lines rhymed, let’s kape it going.)

 

February, I can’t really recall, what happened during you?

I think the Winter Olympics were on and sh*te aul’ Valentine’s too.

Back then, I was always in the gym, liftin’ this and that.

But now, I kind of ‘forget’ to go, because I’m a lazy twat. (100% a lazy twat.)

 

March, March, were you the month, when we had all the snow?

We got a good few days off work and built quarter of an igloo ya know? (We really tried.)

I started minding two little boys, every so often too.

The two of them are just the best and they actually think I’m cool.

(Only took 25 years for someone to think I’m cool. Go me.)

 

Oh April, the month that broke my heart, we lost our beautiful dog Missy.

I’ll never forget that Saturday, not even when I’m busy.

For fourteen years you made me happier, than anything – no question.

I love you and I miss you Petal, I’ll see you someday in heaven.

 

So May, let’s lighten sh*t up a bit, I went to see Ed Sheeran.

Fair play to him, he has the talent, I’m glad I got to see him.

The Eurovision, a wedding of Royals and all that fancy cr*p,

We repealed the 8th amendment and that’s all I’ll say on that.

 

Hey there June, my birthday month, I turned the big 25.

In other news, Saudi Arabia; finally allowed their women to drive.

I went to ‘Summer in the City’ and saw a few aul’ daycent bands.

Finally! We got to break from school, oh sh*t – I had no plans.

 

Oh my, July – what have we here, a total eclipse of the moon.

They found a lake on Mars and we’re having a heatwave too.

Holy Moses the heat was chronic, I was melting inside and out.

Global warming can kiss me hole, we were headed for a drought.

 

August fell and I knew well, ’twas my last month of freedom.

I did f*ck all and so I called some friends and went to see them.

I did some work for my friend’s dad, just now I can remember.

A family wedding, a new tattoo and *poof*, it was September.

 

…and as we know, what Green Day say; wake me up when it ends.

September came, all work no play, back to school and no sleeping in. (Dammit.)

Well, Dag Nabbit, I bought me a rabbit, she’s as cute as a button too.

I called her Heidi and to put it mildly; my Heidi ain’t no fool. (Mmm, Hmm.)

 

October hi, oh you flew by, what happened? Let me see…

Michael D. in for a second term and a holiday for me.

Cologne was nice, I’d go again, but the people are proper w*nkers. (No offence.)

Canada legalised the use of cannabis, hooray for all the stoners!

 

November’s the month that I got the idea, to write this little rhyme.

It sounded easier in my head and ’twas a good idea at the time. (Idiot.)

Actually, now that I think of it, I was away for some of this month too.

I saw Kodaline in concert, they were amazing… something, shoe?

(Blanked on that rhyme there, sorry.)

 

December, December, how is it goin’? All hell starts to break loose.

What is it about this month that makes me want to become a recluse?

Work was hectic, me head was fried, my good friend moved to Australia 😦

Christmas came and went so fast, ya barely knew what hit ya.

 

This verse is last, I’ll make it quick, a bit late for that says you.

I’m really hoping this New Year brings good news and people too.

So, YES I’m done, I’m finally done, I’m b*llocksed writing this.

Happy New Year to you and yours. Goodbye, Good luck & God Bless.

 

J. x

 


 

You know you work in a bar when…

Warning part in case I offend someone: 

*Read this sentence if you are easily offended: The following blog is completely fictitious. Now skip to the list.

**Read this sentence if you are not easily offended: The following blog is completely true and I mean every word of it. Read on…

First bit…

Holy-moley, it has been two months since I’ve written anything. I’ve actually had this list written in a notebook for a few weeks now, but I just didn’t actually muster up the energy to take my laptop out of it’s bag until today. Go me, it wasn’t easy now.

I’ll set the scene for ye here now for the craic… I’m sitting here on the couch, shlippers on, feet up on the coffee table (or tea table… it’s not all about coffee ya know) and I have yet to separate myself from my beloved red dressing-gown.

Side-note: I am just after remembering I have no food in the house and I need to go and do the shopping after I write this. Now I’ve to actually put me face on. Great.

Next bit…

So, I’ve worked in several bars/pubs over the years, but more recently in a bar in a nightclub. I actually really enjoyed the job and loved the people I worked with. HOWEVER, for a few months I was working at 3 jobs during the day on the weekdays and then in the nightclub at the end of the week at night and on weekends too. I’ll be honest and say I was absolutely b*llocksed tired all of the time and had zero time to do anything for myself, so I came to the decision to give-up the nightclub job. It was quite sad because I really did enjoy it, but it just wasn’t realistic to keep it up anymore. SO, then I was inspired to write this blog! A little ‘tribute’ if you will…

Now, don’t get me wrong. Similar to most of my posts, I throw in a lot of sarcasm here and there for dramatic effect, so just take no notice of any negativity in the following list, I promise I enjoyed the job! Let’s face it, a list full of happy things and loveliness wouldn’t be very entertaining… You may or may not relate to some of these, but anyways… Enjoy!

You know you work in a bar when…

1.. You ask yourself; “What the f*ck is wrong with people?” several times during every shift… and you still don’t know the answer.

 

2.. You hope to God that you’re not as annoying as these people when you are out. (You probably are though… Just sayin’.)

 

3.. You gag/die a little bit every time you pour someone the drink that you almost died from that one time…. (OK, it was two times.)

 

4.. You have had several people come up to you when you’re up to your eyes busy to ’empathize’ by saying; “Oh I work in a bar too so I know exactly how you feel ha ha.” (Eh sorry love, but I really don’t give a f*ck……. ha ha.)

 

5.. You suddenly become an amateur DJ critic after listening to several of them who don’t seem to know what a song with words is. (Yes I know, I’m auld fashioned.)

 

6.. You develop a slight hatred for people who can’t seem to manage pouring Redbull into a glass without causing a flood. (Well, maybe that one only bothers me but it REALLY grinds my gears…)

 

7.. You internally roll your eyes every time someone asks; “can I pay by card?” and you just smile and say “yeah, sure”….. Ugh.

 

8.. You’ve been accused several times of ripping people off, because obviously the bar staff are in charge of the pricing of drinks and they pocket all of the profits too. Obvs.

 

9.. You can never find a pen. Anywhere. Ever.

 

10.. Your bar-blade has a tendency to grow legs and f*ck off when you need it the most.

 

11.. Blue-roll is your best friend and becomes gold-dust when the supply is low.

 

12.. You want to bate the heads off the group of people who order each of their drinks separately…. and every drink is the same. (Eye roll)

 

13.. You become an all-round cynical b*stard for the few hours of every night you work. (Or maybe that’s just me again?)

 

14.. You suddenly become very skeptical of how clean your glass really is when you are out yourself.

 

15.. You find it unbelievably rude when a customer comes up to order a drink and interrupts the deep meaningful conversation you are having with your colleague behind the bar. The cheek of them.

 

16.. There is always that one absolute goon-bag who somehow knows your name and they hound you for stuff every night they’re in because you were friendly to them that one time you were in a good mood.

 

17.. You have had at least 3 people accidentally spit on your face while ordering their drink. Yum.

 

18.. The thought of 24 hour McDonald’s (or just any chipper) is what gets you through a Thursday and Friday night.

 

I think 18 is enough, I don’t want to be too moany ya know!

So, did anyone relate to these or am I just a moody b*tch? Actually no, don’t answer that.

Last bit…

I could write a big long paragraph here now rambling on and summarizing what I just wrote, but I’m all outta’ juice. So, I’ll let ye go and I’ma go put me face on and buy some food. Feel fweee to comment any of your own experiences to add to the list as I am sure there are many more I haven’t included!

So that’s me, I know what my next blog will be so I will be quicker with that one! (I’m sure ye were worried.)

Over and out,

 

J.

 

 

 

 

TV Shows described in 5 words

The following post is based on my own personal opinions and impressions of several TV shows that I have watched over the years. It is not meant as a review so don’t come cryin’ to me if you don’t like how I’ve described the shows. That is all.

 

This post was written for the following reasons:

  1. The Craic.

 


 

So yeah, there I was earlier today, working away on a new blog when I picked up my phone and went into my ‘notes’ for some unknown reason. To my delight, my most recent note to myself was one with the title: “Describe TV shows in 5 words” and I thought ‘Thank you Jesus” because I had hit a serious road-block with the other post and I was glad to work on something else.

You see, I’m always wide awake at night and I’m more like a flaming thorn-bush of hatred in the mornings, so I do my best thinking at night. I do often make a note of ideas I have for writing about and so Bob’s your uncle and all that; here we are!

So yeah, that’s what I’m gonna do! Wellll, when I say describe, I mean it more like; ‘The 5 words that come to mind when I think of this TV show’ kind of thing…. If ya get me.

As I said above, there is no real reason behind this blog. I just think it will be a fun challenge for me and MAAAYYYBEE someone might get a laugh out of it.

If not… I’ll just delete the website and never write again………. Too dramatic? Thought so!

Let’s get on with it then…

…and Don’t worry, there is no need for a ‘Spoiler Alert’. I don’t really give much away in my descriptions so you don’t have to read this with one eye closed.

TV Shows described in 5 words:

 

1. Orange is the New Black: Lesbian prisoners sell their knickers.

 

2. Daredevil: Blind superhero can’t see sh*t.

 

3. Once upon a time: Fairy-tale characters high on acid.

 

4. How to get away with murder: Alcoholic lawyer teaches ‘yuppy’ f*ckers.

 

5. Homeland: Crazy blonde b*tch catches terrorists.

 

6. Pretty little liars: Dead girl isn’t actually dead OR Five gobsh*tes do stupid sh*t.

 

7. Breaking Bad: Dying teacher cooks unreal meth.

 

8. House of cards: Dodgy politician climbs Washington’s ladder.

 

9. Grey’s Anatomy: Unluckiest hospital in the world.

 

10. The 100: Teenagers f*ck up earth again.

 

11. The Walking Dead: Zombies left, right and centre.

 

12. Game of Thrones: (Never watched this but I’m gonna give it a go using what I        have heard.) Land, murder, dragons and ridin’. (How did I do?!)

 

13. Dexter: Introvert ‘gets off’ on killing.

 

14. American Horror Story: Your nightmares in a nutshell.

 

15. True Blood: Vampires ride and eat everyone.

 

16. Stranger Things: 80’s kids search for friend OR Bald kid gets nose bleeds.

 

17. American Vandal: Student paints d*cks on cars. (That’s supposed to be an ‘i’ not a ‘u’ by the way….)

 

18. The Big Bang Theory: Five nerds and two blondes OR Science, hot beverages and knocking.

 

19. 13 Reasons Why: Girl records reasons friends suck.

 

20. The Killing: Cynical ginger woman solves murders.

 

21. Scandal: President bangs his communications director.

 

22. The Good Wife: Cheating lawyers defend dodgy b*stards.

 

23. Glee: High School Musical on steroids.

 

24. The Flash: Fast lad does cool sh*t.

 

25. That’s so Raven: Psychic teenager makes stupid faces.

 

26. Powerpuff Girls: Three psycho b*tches fight crime.

 

27. Scream Queens: Idiots murdered one by one.

 

28. Lost: What the f*ck’s going on?

 

29. Keeping up with the Kardashians: Absolute gobsh*tes doing absolutely nathin’.

 

30. Nashville: Sex, drugs and Country music.

 

To be continued…


 

Aw lads I’m knackered trying to think of more shows that I’ve watched, so I’m gonna leave her there for now. Feel free to comment any that you come up with yourselves. I’d love to hear them!

I’m working on two other blogs at the minute (try and contain the excitement now), but I don’t want to publish them too soon. You know what they say; nothing worse than premature publication right?! Ay ay?! (I’ll see myself out….)

Anyhoo, that’s it… I’ll hopefully get to post again this weekend with some amaaaaazingly funny shtuff, so until then…

 

Have a great week & be good.

 

J.

 

A list of Sh*t I hate

The opinions expressed in the following post are personal and are not intended to offend or upset anyone. However, if this does occur; please pick up the nearest phone and call someone who cares.

Kidding, kidding…

For anyone who is reading this and hasn’t ever read any of my other stuff, I’m warning you now; I am very, very sarcastic. Not mean. Just very sarcastic… (ok maybe a bit mean but, meh…)

Now that we’ve that cleared up, I’ll get into the good stuff… (yes, it does get better than this.)

I’ve spent the last few days compiling a list of ‘sh*t I hate’ and just making note of it in my phone and surprise, surprise; I hate a lot of sh*t. I don’t want to seem like a super moany b*tch, but I just thought it would be fun to make a list and see if other people hate the same things that I do. Super fun right?!

I might follow-up this post with a list of ‘sh*t I love’, but that might be a bit too soppy so I’ll see about that one…

*Side note: I am aware that there are ACTUAL problems in the world and that most of the things on this list are pathetically petty, but it’s just for entertainment purposes, so chill the beans…

Right so, without further doo-doo, I present to you; the list…

Sh*t I hate:

In no particular order…

  1. When I burn my tongue on the first sip of tea. My day is genuinely ruined when this happens.

 

2. When I accidentally rip the cardboard tab at the top of the cereal box. WHY can’t I do anything right?

 

3. When I order food WITHOUT salad/grass on the plate and the food comes WITH salad/grass on the plate… Do I need to write it down for ya’ll?

 

4. General talking on the phone but especially having to call people to make appointments… I’ve to have a script done out or I panic and hang-up before they answer.

 

5. Wearing a sock with a hole.

 

6. Wearing 2 socks with 2 holes.

 

7. Salad.

 

8. Sh*te WiFi. I would genuinely rather no WiFi at all.

 

9. Ketchup in general is offensive and I strongly feel as if it should be banned from public places. Just sayin’.

 

10. Big groups of insects. They may be small, but they creep me out when they’re in gangs.

 

11. Hand dryers in public bathrooms. Could they BE any louder?

 

12. Burps. Can’t cope with them. Absolute pet hate of mine.

 

13. Not being able to eat bread for breakfast, lunch and dinner without becoming a chunky monkey.

 

14. When I go into a supermarket for 1 item and there is ALWAYS someone standing right in front of the shelf I need to look at… Every. Single. Time.

 

15. I spill my tea on myself at LEAST once a day without fail. Seriously considering using a sippy-cup.

 

16. The absence of an apostrophe when it’s necessary. (See what I did there?!)

 

17. The sea. Yeah it looks fab but, it stinks, it’s full of crazy-ass creatures and you can like, die.

 

18. The character Emily in ‘Friends’. I don’t care what anyone says, she was a d*ck. Fact.

 

19. The fact that there is still a lizard hiding in my bathroom and I fear that he is waiting patiently for the perfect moment to re-enact the shower scene from psycho… (updates to come)

 

20. People who use the word ‘bae’ un-sarcastically. Who is ‘bae’ and where the f*ck did they come out of?

 

21. A new-found hate of mine; dirty, rotten mosquito b*stards.

 

22. Liquorice. I really don’t get it. You might as well eat tar. Also, the smell of it reminds me of that one time I almost died. (Shoutout to sambuca for that one.)

 

23. The ending to the series ‘The Good Wife’… WHAT the hell was that about? Seven seasons for what? Shockin’ disappointed I was.

 

24. Someone touching my food. I’m all good with the sharing, not with the touching. (Sounds dodge, but ya get what I mean.)

 

25. When you bite into a slice of pizza, all the cheese comes off and you burn your chin. WHY MEEEE???

 

26. Noise in general. I’m gone fierce sensitive to loud noises in me auld age.

 

27. When there’s no milk for a droppeen a tae. I won’t even go there.

 

28. Busting a hole in my fave jeans. Three pairs gone. THREE. (I blame the government.)

 

29. Someone talking to me while I eat. Food will always take priority, so SHADDUP ’til I’m done.

 

30. When you’re standing in a queue in a shop and the person behind you is so close to you that you nearly have to invite them home with ya for the dinner. Get off me back ya dose.

 

Aaaaaand that’s it!

I think I’ll leave it at 30. There are many more, but I’ll hold it there for now. All genuine hates of mine. No fiction here lads! Well I enjoyed putting that list together. I feel like there’s a real weight off my shoulders… Ahhhh

Hopefully someone got a laugh out of one or two of them or at least related to a few! I’ll try and make my next blog less negative…. (Pfffft, yeah right.)

That’s it from me folks.

Have a great week,

Á bientot,

J.

The ‘D’ word

The following post is based on personal experiences and may contain mature themes…

(Bet you’re curious now…)

Sooo, I got lost driving around Mougins (Moo-zhan) today because I felt like too much of a dumbass to go back into the house to ask someone how to use the SatNav, so I just drove in a random direction, (as you do) and ended up turning back home again after 20 minutes… At least I got out for a nice spin anyway!

Oh yeah, guess what happened THEN; after a loooooonng day, I made myself a mug a tae, (Barry’s. None of your French sh*te), I put it on the coffee table while I went to get something in the kitchen and came back to find Rocco (the 5 month old Wolfhound X) slurping out of my mug of tea while dripping it all over my phone. Now, most people would flip, but all I could do was laugh at the poor shmuck and the big mustache of tea he had. Gas it was….. Ya had to be there I sh’pose.

I know nobody asked; but that was my day! Anyways… I am going to head down a totally different route with this blog, but I’ll try not to darken the mood too much so I’ll pop in an odd funny pic here and there… for example…

Change of plan…..

Ok, funny story (not really though), I tried finding a/an hilarious picture to put above here but I actually couldn’t find any good ones so instead of re-typing the last paragraph, I am just gonna tell ye now, I’m scrapping the whole pic thing this time ’round. It’s 50% the internet’s fault and 50% pure laziness on my part. Anyway, enough sh*te-talk. On to the blog…

The serious bit…

Right, well I’m sure you all know somebody who suffers with, or you yourself suffer with some sort of mental illness, whether it be depression, bi-polar disorder, general anxiety or whatever it may be. It’s becoming more and more common, but a lot of people are still uncomfortable talking about it because they might feel as if they will be treated differently because they have an illness or because they will be seen as ‘mental’.

Well, in this day and age, the only thing that’s ‘mental’ is that there are still some people out there who will make someone feel that way, but whatchyagonnado?…..(Bate them)…..Kidding……Kinda…

So anyway, I wanted to talk a little about my own experience with depression… DUN DUN DUNNNNNN… BUT Before I do, I just want to start by saying this; depression doesn’t make me more special than anyone else, it doesn’t make me feel like I’m more interesting, I didn’t ‘self-diagnose’ or ‘google diagnose’ myself and NO, I’m not looking for attention. Anyone who knows me, knows (or should know) that I am quite the opposite of an attention seeker and it would be a bit ridiculous to use something like that to get attention…. (Some people do it and it drives me f*cking bananas, but we’ll let them off… the big sad B*stards.)

So now that I’ve gotten that part out of the way… (Over 500 words in and I’m still sh*te talking…Jayyysissss.)

RIGHT. Drive on Joanne……DRIVE ON…

OK lads… There are probably two main reasons for this post; 1. I want to (hopefully) write something that a lot of you can relate to by talking about a ‘serious’ subject in a kind-of blunt or a more ‘human’ way than someone who uses big, intelligent words (unlike myself) and then 2. So I can use this post to maybe help myself and put what I deal with into words and use it as a bit of ‘literary therapy’. Oooh fawwncy.

On we go…..

Up until a few years ago, nothing felt out of the ordinary and occasionally I was just the normal amount of sad. Like for instance, when something bad happened or if I had a bad day then yeah, of course I’d be sad. So, in the past few years, things have completely changed and I realised that I was actually sad all of the time.

I have often tried, but it is very, very hard to put into words the feeling of it. It’s as if I had no control over my own head, thoughts, emotions or even my life.

One thing I can say is that I have never felt ashamed of this part of my life and nobody should. I don’t think it makes me or anyone else weird… It’s other crap that makes me weird, but I’ll leave that story for another time… (I know ye’re thinking; ‘Thank God!’)

So yeah, things kind of escalated from there and instead of just being sad all of the time, I didn’t even want to be awake or have to think anymore. I didn’t want to see any people, I didn’t want to get out of bed, dreaded communicating in general with anyone but at the same time, I hated my own company and didn’t want to be alone either. How can ya win?! For months and months I suffered with insomnia to the point where I actually dreaded when it would be nighttime because I knew what it meant…

It was as if I was in a battle with myself in my own head and it was draining the energy out of me. The simplest of tasks, like holding a conversation with someone seemed like a chore and I found myself becoming a pretty good actress at times just to remain ‘friendly’ or ‘normal’. Now don’t get me wrong, this has no reflection on anyone I was talking to, it was just that I didn’t feel capable of any natural social interaction without having to pretend that I was ‘as happy as Larry’ and all that… (Larry always seems to be havin’ a great time fair play to him.)

Over time, I’ve spoken to a few people about this before and I know it’s a common enough thing (what I just described above), but I can only speak for myself. I’m not an expert, I’m just talking about what I know from my own experience so don’t quote me on anything!

So anyway, at first, I hadn’t actually told anybody about what I was feeling because I couldn’t explain it. I found myself hating everything. I literally had a negative thought about everyone and everything and I was exhausted being in my own head. I honestly felt as if I was losing myself. I then thought that I was just a grumpy, cynical b*tch who hated the world (to be fair, I probably am one of those too), but now that I’ve seen my doctors, been diagnosed, found medication that works for me, I can finally see that I wasn’t myself at all.

Obviously medication isn’t the answer to everything and there is of course an answer for whatever ‘imbalance’ happens in the brain for these things to happen, but for now, I’m very, very, very thankful that I no longer feel the way I did before this 100% of the time. Because to be honest; it was f*cking awful. Of course I still have bad days or weeks with it, but I am feeling so much better than I was.

I suppose one thing that some of you could get out of reading this (assuming that someone reads this, ha) is that if you do feel as if you aren’t yourself or you’re ‘down’ or sad more often than not, there may very well be a simple solution. Whether it’s meds, counselling, meditation or whatever other options that you have to try; don’t settle for sadness… (I should trademark that…Quite catchy that one now.)

Although I am over a thousand words into this here, there is a lot I haven’t shared and it’s not because I don’t want to, it’s more that I don’t want to bore you all, unintentionally worry anyone or scare anyone away from reading my stuff because I’m seriously desperate for readers…. DON’T LEAVE!!!! Kidding, kidding……

But yeah, seriously though; in the very recent past, I have had some very, very dark days that I don’t plan on re-living, and I can honestly say that although I knew I had someone I could to talk to, at the time I (stupidly) had no desire to ask for help and I was 100% wrong by thinking that way.

God forbid I find myself in dark times again, I have to remember to ask the people who care about me for a hand back to ‘the other side’. (Sounds very dramatic, but ya know what I mean.)

Believe it, or believe it not; even if you are an absolute w*nker, I can guarantee you, there is someone who loves you and cares about you enough to help and talk to you when you need it. You’re needed more than you think. Ya hear me?!

(Jaysis, I am gone fierce sentimental in me auld age!)

 

The conclusion:

Moral of the story;

  1. You’re not crazy
  2. Depression is super common so don’t be afraid of it
  3. You’re not special (no offence, but none of us are…..aww maaan…)
  4. Even if you’re a d*ckhead, help is always there when you need it
  5. You should ‘like’ this blog on Facebook ’cause I need the publicity (just trying to lighten the mood there)
  6. Find what works for you in terms of help. Just because meds work for me, does not mean they are for everyone. Even I know they are only a temporary solution
  7. Don’t settle for sadness.

Ah would ya look at that, a list of 7; me fave number!

I hope I didn’t bore you all with my rambling and I also hope that at least one person may have related to some part of this. At the end of the day, I’m just one person sharing a personal experience; I’m not a doctor or an expert.

I’ll be back next time with something hilarious to balance things out again!

 

Until then…

Try to be good, be nice and be happy.

 

J.

 

Miss me yet?

Note: I don’t even know yet if I’m going to write anything offensive, but just in case… No offence is intended in the writing of this blog. If you do get offended, then you obviously have no sense of humour and you shouldn’t be here. K, bye…


I know you all can’t see it, but while I’m writing this, there is a squiggly red line underneath the word ‘humour’ above this and it’s really grinding my gears.

I mean, C’MON America, whenn r y’all gunna lern 2 spel tings write?! Huh…

That’s enough of my jibba-jabba, let’s get on with it…


Well, it’s hard to believe that it has been almost 2 months since I’ve written one of these. Shocking, I know. The fans will be gettin’ crabby…

So, how are we?

Since the last time I was talking to you all, I have packed up and moved my ass over to the South of France for a while… (Read my previous blog post to catch up on the shtory there because I haven’t the energy to type it out again.)

So yeah, I’m here over a week now and even in that short space of time, I have learned a lot about France and the French that I didn’t know before, and let’s face it, I didn’t know anything so it’s all a plus!

…*7 hours later*

I started writing this post this morning and I thought I was on a roll, but I had to go and adult for a few hours there and lost my concentration, so I might ramble on a bit.

Seriously though, I can only be useful for a certain amount of hours a day and I’m pretty much running on fumes at this stage… so bare/bear with me… (Use whichever one is right… I’m drawing a blank here.)

So, just for the people who know me and might be wondering how I’m getting on; everything is going good, I’ve settled in well, the job is great, the kids are so lovely, I am keeping up the powerlifting training and yes; I have in fact eaten my own body weight in bread… To be fair, it was bound to happen. This is me we’re talking about here.

It’s kind of strange; even though I’m in a country I had never even been to before now, when I’m in the house, it doesn’t even feel like I’m in a different country, because the family I work for aren’t French, so I’m very comfortable with them and I feel at home… But then I leave the house, someone talks to me in French and I’m just like “AAAAGGHHHH DON’T TALK TO ME, I DON’T KNOW WORDS”…. *runs away*….

But yeah, everything is just dandy!

Ah no, I’m happy out besides the language barrier in shops and that. I’m using an app to teach myself basic French though because there is only so far you can get by nodding and smiling at everyone. They’re going to start to think I’m just a proper dumbass if I keep doing that…

Aw lads the car… I’m feelin’ like a right beasht now driving around in a big automatic Audi. Four kids in the back & me there roaring “MOVE B*TCH, GET OUT THE WAY” at the other cars….. Ah Jaysis no I don’t do that… but can ya imagine though…

It’s one mighty vehicle altogether. Thank God it’s an automatic, because you should see some of the crazy steep roads and lane-ways they have here. The clutch would probably be gone in no time in a manual with all the hill starts in traffic jams!

Enough of that nonsense now. This is off topic altogether but; great news lads!… My next IPF competition (powerlifting) is on the 10th of December and I can’t flipping wait! I entered it there this evening and I’ll be flying back for it and will hopefully get to see the aul’ fam while I’m there. (Of course I will… sure me mother would have me murdered if I didn’t.) Anyway, I’m delighted now that I have an actual event to train towards again to keep me focused. That being said, I should have gone to train today, but did I?… I’ll let ye guess that one yourselves…

So the competition… It was just announced as a ‘last chance’ open competition to qualify for the 2018 Nationals, but I am just focusing on competing to put up a new total, because the standards are crazy high to qualify for Nationals and I probably won’t make it this time… It’s not that this is a really touchy subject for me or anything but let’s just move past it really swiftly… *crawls into corner crying*……. kidding!…Sort of…

I suppose I’m going to get a tad sentimental here for a minute… *dims lights*…

I won’t get too soppy here now but, before I came over here, I was up in a metaphorical heap of sadness over leaving people behind… (You would swear I was moving away or something?!…….oh wait….)

I wouldn’t mind, but I was actually grand until I was handed a lovely ‘good luck’ card signed by my club mates after the powerlifting competition we were at the day before I flew out. Just at that moment, I completely lost all control over my waterworks. (I mean that I started crying….. I didn’t p*ss myself or anything.)

I’m going to be honest here though; I am a seriously ugly crier… Like, full-on red face, mascara everywhere, shnots streaming and the lot, so all I kept thinking was “F*CK YE AND YE’RE CARD, I LOOK LIKE TOTAL SH*TE NOW…. WAAAAAAHHHHHHH…” But anyways…. I’d like to say I pulled myself together then, but I swear, I was crying like a lil’ b*tch the whole way home in the car and throughout the night while we were out for drinks I would just randomly start bawling again, so yeah… Obviously I’m completely emotionally stable….Ahem…. but yeah, it was so sweet of them and it meant so much to me. I miss them all madly, so just a little shout-out to my APC buds…xXx

Right, that’s enough sad talk before I start again…

Anyways… My point is; it nearly killed me to leave, but I am enjoying my time here now that I’ve made the move!

It’s a scary thing to do though when you can’t be guaranteed to like the place, so I am very fortunate to be in a good situation here…. (Serious bad buzz about the fact that they haven’t discovered turkey burgers over here yet though… get with the times people, it’s not 2015 anymore.)

While I’m here, I just want to throw this random statement in; all mosquitos are w*nkers and I hate them. That is all.

…I had actually planned on writing a super funny list of things I have discovered about France since being here, but I’m not feeling very witty today so I went with a super long essay style blog instead… everyone’s fave! I’ll just keep the list one for next time when I’m my usual hilarious self again…. *Watch this space.*

Anyways lads, I hope to write a bit more frequently, so I shall talk to you all soon about what I’ve been up to.

Just one last thing though….. I love the way I’ve typed over a thousand words here, yet back in school, if I had to do that, I’d have just been like; “Nope. I don’t even know that many words, it’s impossible and I hate writing about sh*t.”

….and now I LOVE writing about sh*t!… Lucky ye!

Have a great week.

A bientot,

J.

What parents say VS what they actually mean

The characters and events in this blog are fictitious. Any apparent similarity to real persons is not intended by the author and is either a coincidence or the product of your own troubled imagination.

(I’d like to be able to say that I came up with that myself, but no, I had to copy and paste that sh*t.)


 

SO, I’ve been thinking about writing this one for a while and I finally got around to it… Albeit at 4am on a Friday morning, but sure I do my best thinking at this time!

We all say things sometimes when really we mean something else altogether… We just hope that the other person will get the hint and not take offence. I thought I’d come up with a short list of examples of how parents can be guilty of this!…. You’re more likely to relate if you’re Irish I think but still, Enjoy…

Note: No offence was intended in the writing of this blog.

1.

The use of dreaded technology

What parents say: “Oh God, I haven’t a clue how to use this yoke, sure we didn’t grow up with phones, will you send this text for me?”

What they mean: “I’m going to milk the whole ‘I’m old and can’t use technology’ thing for as long as I can so that I don’t have to write my own texts because I couldn’t be arsed, so will you do it for me?”


 

2.

The clothes line

What parents say: “JAYSIS will you bring in the clothes off the line, it’s starting to piss!!!”

What they mean: “You better run like a b*stard and get those clothes in or ther’ll be shlaps thrown all sides… and make sure you hang them up inside too.”


 

3.

The third degree

What parents say: “Where are you off to?”

What they mean: “Where are you going? Who are you going to see? How long will you be gone? What are you going to be doing? What time will you be back and will you bring home a litre of milk with you?”


 

4.

The ‘subtle’ question

What parents say: “Had you enough money?”

What they mean: “You better give me back my change ya little sh*t.”


 

5.

The guilt trip

What parents say: “Don’t go gettin’ me anything for my birthday now, save your money.”

What they mean: “I’m only telling you not to get me anything so that you’ll feel guilty and do a heap of housework to make up for not getting me a present.”


 

6.

The attempt at reverse psychology

What parents say: “Right so, it’s up to yourself if that’s what you want to do…”

What they mean: “If you do it, you’re a muppet and don’t say I didn’t warn you…………………….don’t do it.”


 

7.

The outfit

What parents say: “That’s what you’re wearing is it?”

What they mean: “Holy mother of Jesus what is she wearing out, the whole family will be put to shame.”


 

8.

The warning

What parents say: “Mind yourself on the road now.”

What they mean: “Get a scratch on my car and God love you, you needn’t bother coming home.”


 

9.

The trick

What parents say: “Dinner’s ready!”

What they mean: “Dinner isn’t ready yet, but I called you knowing that it would piss you off to have to wait another 15 minutes.”


 

10.

The test

What your mother says: “Go and ask your dad.”

What she means: “That fella better not say ‘yes’ or I’ll bate him.”


 

11.

The test results

What your dad says: “What did your mother say?”

What he means: “Don’t ask me, just do what your mother said or she’ll bate me.”


 

12.

The throwback

What your parents say: “I wouldn’t have gotten away with doing something like that when I was your age.”

What they mean: “I don’t give a sh*t what dodgy stuff I did back in the day, you’re not gettin’ away with it now.”


 

13.

The remote

What your parents say: “Is there anything on TV you want to watch?”

What they mean: “LOL JK, tough sh*t, The Late Late Show is on!”


 

 

To be continued…


 

Happy Friday & have a great weekend.

 

J.