A pain in the hole…

*The purpose of this particular blog is basically for me to get a load of crap off my chest. (Not literal crap but, figurative crap.)*


Well people, how are we? It’s been a while but, I’m back. Just been working away like a busy bee, but I missed writing so I popped the finger out and got back to it.

I don’t have my laptop with me so I’m currently typing this into the notes on my phone. You work with what ya got!

So, it’s 5 in the morning, I can’t sleep and I have a story in my mind that in my opinion, needs to be told. (For my sake though, not yere’s… sorry.) Just recently I found out some enlightening info from a friend that compelled me to finally write this blog. To be honest, I had let something go that happened a while back up until finding out this new information… but there’s only so far one can be pushed and so you could say I’ve been ‘pushed’ to write this.

Because of the nature of this sitch-ee-ay-shin, I decided to write the story in the third person so that it didn’t sound like it was me just having an aul’ rant and a moan… (wouldn’t be like me!)

Before we get going here, I’ll just start it off for y’all. (I hope ye have some food nearby too because this is a long one…) 

Like I’ve done before, I’m writing this to help myself deal with a sh*t tonne of anxiety that one person from my past has brought upon me. I feel like I have no other way of expressing myself about it all and if I don’t write this, I might just explode one of these days. So here’s my story… It’s not riveting, it’s not exciting, but it is honest and 100% true… and the boring ol’ truth is all I’ve got for ye today folks I’m afraid…

**Other than the character’s names used, everything else in the following story is 100% true and is written from my own personal experience.**

Here we go…

Once upon a time…

…There was a girl named Jane Doe who worked behind the bar in a nightclub. Jane Doe enjoyed working in the nightclub as she got along well with everybody and it was a good place to work overall. After a couple of months, Jane Doe moved to France for two months to work as an au-pair. To put it bluntly, Jane was having a sh*te time of it in France so she moved back home and went to work in the nightclub again.

However, there were a few new members of staff who had recently started. Jane Doe was told by a few people that one of the new staff members was a ‘super nice guy’, in fact, one of the comments made was that he was perhaps ‘too nice’. (Too good to be true you might say? You bet your hole it was.)

So then, after a week or so, Jane Doe began talking to this new guy every so often and you could say that there may have been some flirting or some sort of awkward communication between them anyways. They started to get along quite well and he did seem ‘super nice’ like people had said. 

This super nice guy’s name was; Dill Doe. Yes; Dill Doe.

Dill Doe and Jane Doe started seeing each other. In fact, they saw each other almost all day, every day for 3 or 4 weeks. After a week or so, Jane Doe started to notice that some of the things that Dill Doe was telling her weren’t really adding up. For instance; Dill Doe told Jane that he had left an engineering job that paid him €1000 a week so that he could go and work as a part-time bar tender in the nightclub instead and be paid just above minimum wage. BUT apparently, the engineering company were BEGGING for Dill Doe to come back and work for them because of how much of an asset he was, but he decided he preferred to be poor. (Oh yes, because that made total f*cking sense.) 

Anyways…. Jane Doe found a lot of Dill Doe’s stories hard to believe… and it only became worse. Everything and anything was a lie. Even the smallest things he would say were an obvious lie and it was exhausting. Why was he like this? 

Jane Doe told a few of her friends that she was seeing him and it turned out that 3 or 4 of them knew who he was from back when they were in college too. Jane Doe’s friends told her how full of sh*t he was back then too and that all he did was tell lies, but nobody could understand why he did it.

Jane Doe took note of all of this, but because she still liked him a bit, she gave him the benefit of the doubt and said nothing to him. (Jane, you tit.)

Jane Doe and Dill Doe were practically living in each other’s pockets at this stage. They were working together, spending every day together and sharing lots and lots of ‘stories’.

Jane Doe told Dill Doe several difficult stories from her past that not many people knew about her. At the time, Jane Doe trusted him enough to tell him these things because he had told her many times that in his eyes; ‘all women should be treated like queens’ and so she fell for his ‘sweetness’… (PUKE.)

One day, while Jane Doe was getting ready for work, she saw Dill Doe take a Snapchat of himself, write a long message and send it to someone. Jane, admittedly being a nosey b*tch, asked Dill Doe who he was snap chatting but, Dill Doe replied; ‘nobody’. 

Now, Jane Doe may have been a nosey b*tch, but she wasn’t a dumb b*tch, so she continued to ask Dill Doe for the truth, knowing that he was lying. After repeatedly denying talking to anyone on Snapchat, Jane asked Dill Doe to prove it by showing her his phone. Then, he did show her, and KEL-SUPREEZ, he HAD in fact sent a Snapchat to someone and low-and-behold, it happened to be to the same girl he had recently been constantly messaging, flirting with and ‘helping’ to get a job in the same nightclub he and Jane worked in. (Such a helpful and caring guy….) And would ya believe, this girl just so happened to be VERY attractive and single… but of course, he had ‘no interest in her.’ Even Stevie Wonder could tell that she was unreal looking so Dill Doe was very obviously full of sheeeeeet.

At this stage, Jane didn’t give two hoots about Dill Doe messaging anybody, she just hated that he had lied and that he was constantly lying throughout their whole time together. It was all becoming clearer and she was getting a tad bit p*ssed off now.

So, after a good 20 minutes of Dill Doe denying that he was snap chatting anybody, (although it was RIGHT THERE on his phone in front of them both), Jane started packing all of her stuff and left the house after having the realization that this boy; Dill Doe, never was and never would be an honest or trustworthy person and in fact, if she hadn’t given him the benefit of the doubt so often, she would have copped on to that fact much earlier on. (I repeat; Jane, you tit.)

Unfortunately for Jane, both her and Dill Doe were down on the rota for working in the nightclub that night. Jane was too angry to look at him, so she chose to pretend that he didn’t even exist when she went into work.

Like most workplaces, almost everyone else who worked in the nightclub knew that Jane Doe and Dill Doe were a ‘thing’ and so it was inevitable that it would soon become awkward and more difficult for both of them to work in the same place.

Jane was asked what had happened by some of their co-workers and so she told them the truth and that she chose to leave because of the lies. Unlike Dill Doe, she knew how to tell the truth and practiced it quite frequently. 

During the next week, Dill Doe messaged Jane, still maintaining his innocence and he told her how upset he was that it was over and how he cried himself to sleep after she had left him that evening. Jane didn’t know how this was even possible, seeing as he was working that same night in the same place as her and it would have been impossible for him to have been working AND at home crying like he had said. Wow, he must have had the gift of bi-location!

Jane still couldn’t talk to Dill Doe at work and although she hated what he had done, she still liked him a bit. (Jane, what the actual f*ck?)

Then, Jane was talking to some of their co-workers and she found out that Dill Doe had gone and ‘shifted the face’ off one of the girls who worked upstairs in the hotel above the nightclub. Jane also found out that Dill Doe had told everyone that he had in fact ‘kicked Jane out of his house’ that night, and that it wasn’t her that had left at all.

As you can imagine, Jane wasn’t a happy bunny. In fact, Jane was a very, very angry bunny. However, there was nothing she could do. At this stage, she had to just go into work, ignore Dill Doe and deal with the fact that he had moved on from her very quickly and was now telling lies about her to her co-workers. It soon became a difficult place for Jane to work and she just hated everything. Work wasn’t fun anymore, she was paranoid that people were believing the lies and she was also upset that she fell for a complete b*llocks.

Jane couldn’t take it anymore. She was miserable at the thought of going to work. So, Jane then decided to arrange a time to speak with Dill Doe in person, in order to ask him about what she had heard and to try and settle her head. They met each other and as you can imagine, Dill Doe denied ever saying anything about Jane to any co-worker. He also said that someone ‘pushed’ him into that girl that he was ‘shifting the face off’ and that he didn’t even mean to do it. (Oh yes, because people just walk around with their eyes closed and their mouths open.)

Dill Doe also told Jane that he wanted her back and that everything that she had heard was a complete lie. However, Jane knew better now and said no… and finally, Jane had lost all feelings for Dill Doe. All she felt now was resent.

After this, Jane decided that it was best to try and leave it all behind and have a civil ‘work relationship’ with Dill Doe for the sake of her job…

After a couple of weeks, it came to Jane and a few other staff members’ attention that back in December, while Dill Doe and Jane were still seeing each other, he was messaging a girl who was 7 years younger than him and he had been asking her on a ‘date’. One of the other employees in the nightclub was good friends with this said girl, therefore they could confirm this all to be true. (Jane was flippin’.)

…but sure wouldn’t you know it, Dill Doe denied it all to Jane once again and he said she was 100% wrong… Despite the fact that on several occasions after that, Dill Doe and that girl were in the nightclub drinking together in front of Jane while stuck to each other like sh*t to a blanket… but no, of course Jane was wrong about it all…

So it turned out that Dill Doe was in fact messaging two girls while seeing Jane and planning dates with one of them too… the plot thickened, but Jane’s patience was wearing thin…

…fast forward a few months. (I’m sure ye are all thinking hurry up to f*ck!)

Jane began to go out with one of the supervisors in the hotel above the nightclub. While she was out on a mystery tour with the nightclub staff, Dill Doe made his way over to Jane and asked if he could talk to her. She refused at first as she had no time for him anymore. He kept asking and she eventually gave in, in order not to cause a scene. Dill Doe started to talk absolute bullsh*t to Jane as per usual and was trying to get her to talk to him again. He also started to make comments about her new boyfriend that he now worked with in that bar too and began to tell very obvious lies about him in order to cause issues between Jane and her new man. Jane was quite used to this routine and just nodded her head and smiled. She told Dill Doe that things were ‘all fine’ now and agreed to be on good terms with him so that there would be no awkwardness at work. Jane had no intention of being Dill Doe’s friend again. She just wanted him to go away now… for good.

…Fast forward another few months (See, I told you it was a long one.)

Along with working in the nightclub, Dill Doe had also started working in the bar in the hotel upstairs with Jane’s new boyfriend and also Sally; the girl Dill Doe had ‘shifted the face off’ a few days after Jane ended things with him. 

Little did Dill Doe know that after a while, Jane became friends with Sally and a few members of staff in the hotel and she was informed of a few things that he had been telling the staff in the bar. Dill Doe said that ‘Jane is crazy. She threw pint bottles across the counter at customers down in the nightclub while she was working.’ 

Dill Doe also warned Sally that if she set foot in the nightclub, ‘Jane will throw pint bottles at you if you go down to the nightclub when she’s working there ’cause she’s crazy.’ He also told Sally that they couldn’t be together because apparently ‘Jane would get angry, stop them and throw something at her.’

Jane found this quite interesting seeing as she was now seeing another lad who she was happy with and had no interest in what Dill Doe did in any part of his life including his love life. It was also quite funny because it was complete and utter bullsh*t.

When Jane found out that Dill Doe had told more lies about her, she also found out that everyone initially believed these lies and actually did think she was crazy because they didn’t know her yet and believed what was said. She became fairly bloody thick now. In fact, her anxiety hit the roof and all those months she spent trying to forget the whole thing seemed to have been reversed instantly. 

All Jane kept thinking was; ‘how f*cking dare a 24 year old, lying little sh*t treat her that way, constantly tell her lies, betray her trust on several occasions, go behind her back with 2 girls and then tarnish her name by making up lies about her too so that nobody would like her.’ What had she done to deserve this?!

Jane didn’t know what to do. Her first instinct was to message him an angry text but, she knew it wouldn’t make a difference to him or how she felt, so she didn’t.

However, as a hobby, Jane liked to write blogs online in order to help get words and feelings out on a ‘page’ and sometimes, some people would even read them!… So, she decided she would write a blog on her less than satisfying experience with Dill Doe… and so that’s what she did…

…and so here we are!

The End… (Hopefully.)

So yeah, I know; it could have been a lot worse… But it was pretty sh*t while it was happening and affected me quite a bit. On the scale of things, this was a dot on the map, but unfortunately I’m a soft b*stard and took it all personally as per usual… (Guilty!)

I still don’t know why he did the things he did, or why he thought I deserved to be hurt and treated like that… and I’ll probably never know!

…but I bet anyone reading this can relate to at least one instance in their life when they were hurt by someone they should not have fallen for when they didn’t deserve it.

But yeah, enough moaning now! I just felt the need to get it all out of my head and write it all down. It has already taken up way too much of my time so this is my way of drawing a line under it… and it’s a free country so ya know what; A public blog is the way I thought best to do it!

I hope this was relatable! Our stories may differ but, let’s be honest, we’ve all had a Dill Doe…

J.

What parents say VS what they actually mean

The characters and events in this blog are fictitious. Any apparent similarity to real persons is not intended by the author and is either a coincidence or the product of your own troubled imagination.

(I’d like to be able to say that I came up with that myself, but no, I had to copy and paste that sh*t.)


 

SO, I’ve been thinking about writing this one for a while and I finally got around to it… Albeit at 4am on a Friday morning, but sure I do my best thinking at this time!

We all say things sometimes when really we mean something else altogether… We just hope that the other person will get the hint and not take offence. I thought I’d come up with a short list of examples of how parents can be guilty of this!…. You’re more likely to relate if you’re Irish I think but still, Enjoy…

Note: No offence was intended in the writing of this blog.

1.

The use of dreaded technology

What parents say: “Oh God, I haven’t a clue how to use this yoke, sure we didn’t grow up with phones, will you send this text for me?”

What they mean: “I’m going to milk the whole ‘I’m old and can’t use technology’ thing for as long as I can so that I don’t have to write my own texts because I couldn’t be arsed, so will you do it for me?”


 

2.

The clothes line

What parents say: “JAYSIS will you bring in the clothes off the line, it’s starting to piss!!!”

What they mean: “You better run like a b*stard and get those clothes in or ther’ll be shlaps thrown all sides… and make sure you hang them up inside too.”


 

3.

The third degree

What parents say: “Where are you off to?”

What they mean: “Where are you going? Who are you going to see? How long will you be gone? What are you going to be doing? What time will you be back and will you bring home a litre of milk with you?”


 

4.

The ‘subtle’ question

What parents say: “Had you enough money?”

What they mean: “You better give me back my change ya little sh*t.”


 

5.

The guilt trip

What parents say: “Don’t go gettin’ me anything for my birthday now, save your money.”

What they mean: “I’m only telling you not to get me anything so that you’ll feel guilty and do a heap of housework to make up for not getting me a present.”


 

6.

The attempt at reverse psychology

What parents say: “Right so, it’s up to yourself if that’s what you want to do…”

What they mean: “If you do it, you’re a muppet and don’t say I didn’t warn you…………………….don’t do it.”


 

7.

The outfit

What parents say: “That’s what you’re wearing is it?”

What they mean: “Holy mother of Jesus what is she wearing out, the whole family will be put to shame.”


 

8.

The warning

What parents say: “Mind yourself on the road now.”

What they mean: “Get a scratch on my car and God love you, you needn’t bother coming home.”


 

9.

The trick

What parents say: “Dinner’s ready!”

What they mean: “Dinner isn’t ready yet, but I called you knowing that it would piss you off to have to wait another 15 minutes.”


 

10.

The test

What your mother says: “Go and ask your dad.”

What she means: “That fella better not say ‘yes’ or I’ll bate him.”


 

11.

The test results

What your dad says: “What did your mother say?”

What he means: “Don’t ask me, just do what your mother said or she’ll bate me.”


 

12.

The throwback

What your parents say: “I wouldn’t have gotten away with doing something like that when I was your age.”

What they mean: “I don’t give a sh*t what dodgy stuff I did back in the day, you’re not gettin’ away with it now.”


 

13.

The remote

What your parents say: “Is there anything on TV you want to watch?”

What they mean: “LOL JK, tough sh*t, The Late Late Show is on!”


 

 

To be continued…


 

Happy Friday & have a great weekend.

 

J.

 

What not to do…

Warning: The following post contains a serious dose of sarcasm.

Based on true events…


Don’t panic, don’t panic, I’m back and it’s good to be back!

Right, so here’s the shtory… I haven’t blogged in almost 3 months, because to be completely honest, I haven’t felt like myself for quite a while and if I had written anything, it would have been super depressing! (Unlike my usual hilarious stuff…)

I suppose you could say that it has been ‘one of those days’ for the past few months! I know a lot of people go through times like this, (a sh*t shower as I like to call it) but I can only speak for myself and my own experiences!

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not on here to complain, but more-so to share some of the ‘crap’ that has happened lately for a couple of reasons. Those being; to get it off my chest and to maybe get a laugh out of someone! It’s a win-win!

Where to start… Well if you happened to read my last post (of course you did), then you might remember the whole saga about me having to start commuting to Dublin for work. It was costing me a fortune on diesel and I was between a rock and a hard place wondering whether I should leave or not, blah blah blah… Well, I did leave in the end! The whole situation was a bit of a pain in the hole to be honest but ‘everything happens for a reason’ right? (Sure it does…)

So yeah, it has been nice not having to go to work everyday, even though somehow I am still busy with other bits and bobs, but reality soon strikes and one must still pay one’s bills and all that so I had to go back to the drawing board on the ol’ job front! Luckily enough, I have always been one of those ‘save your money for a rainy day’ type of people, so this is my rainy day I guess… or year?!

I’m not going to lie, I’m being super picky about jobs, so I am waiting for the right one. (Aren’t we all…sniff.) Speaking of such jobs, I really, REALLY thought I had found the perfect job. (Here comes the water works.) A good friend of mine who started working for a great company recently, told me about this job with that company that was really different, had great hours and suited me down to the ground. He really helped me out with the whole process (shout-out to Adrian for that) and I was super optimistic, so I actually put effort into applying for the job. (I know, fair play to me.) Anyways, I went through all 3 stages of the interviews (all online based) and well let’s just say…

THEY’RE ALL W*NKERS!!

…Ah no, I’m only kidding. I didn’t get the job though and that’s ok! It happens! We’ll just pretend that it was them and not me… Capiche?

It was a really good experience though because the whole interview process was very different and technical and it scared the crap out of me, but I did it and I surprised myself…

Well that wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be!! (No holding grudges at all here.)

I’m going to skip past most of the ‘sh*t shower’ because I could be here typing for the night, but let’s just say it involved a broken down car, the end of a long-term relationship (still friends), being rejected by not one, but two bands (sniff) and getting a rib injury at a vital time in my training. Yes, yes, I know it sounds like I’m complaining or looking for pity, but I’m really, really not. EVERYONE hits a few hitches in the road. It hasn’t been easy and I am still figuring out what the hell I am going to do but it could be a lot worse! As the band ‘Yazz’ would say; “The only way is up!” …(Yes, I had to google that.)

So, here’s something that I am super excited about; my first Irish Powerlifting Federation Open competition in Cork on the 27th of May. (Why do I keep saying ‘super’?)

I have been training for it for months and months, so for the big day to finally be here is fantastic and terrifying! As I mentioned above, over a month ago I somehow injured the soft-tissue around some of my left ribs (not a clue what that means, but it f*cking hurts like a b*tch.) I was unbelievably frustrated with it for a couple of weeks because it was making lifting quite difficult and I thought it was THE END OF THE WORLD, but like the trooper that I am, I pushed through. (Still waiting for my medal of honor.) Ah no though, it was bad. Really bad! I was popping painkillers like you wouldn’t believe to get through my training sessions and even then it wasn’t easy. In a way it ended up being a good thing (oddly enough), because it forced me to lift with better form to minimize the pain and that ended up improving my technique a bit. Silver lining eh?!

So I am 12 days out from the competition, I have 5 training sessions left and lifting is currently going to plan (ish). Now all I have to do is lose 2.5kgs of body weight! Piece of cake! (Poor choice of words. No cake for me.)

If I don’t get down to lower than 63kgs, I get to lift on the day but not actually compete or place anywhere in the competition and I didn’t work this hard and come this far just for the day out and a 99!

My coach; Joe, advised me to move up a weight category in the competition to -72kgs to take some pressure off myself and to just focus on the training. I always follow everything he says and he was 100% right in what he said, but this time I had to dig the heels in! (I can almost see him rolling his eyes.)

Although it would be the wiser thing to do, after planning to be in the -63 category all this time, if I was to compete in the -72s, I know I would be completely unhappy before I would even lift at all and that wouldn’t be a good start to the day! I have had a plan all along and I suppose I want to prove to myself that I can stick to it, whether it’s wise or not.

For anyone who hasn’t a clue what I am on about with the whole powerlifting competition situation, you can go back and read my old posts and it explains the lot. It’s really rivetting stuff, I promise!

So that’s the craic with me at the minute. I’m seriously out of practice with blogging so forgive my rambling, giving out and general sh*te-talking!

Just to finish up, if I’ve learned anything in the past while, it’s the importance of having a hobby that you love. Whether it’s a team sport, a class, collecting rocks or whatever else you’re into, when everything else seems to be going a bit haywire, it’s a great comfort to have that hobby there to help you escape for a little while!

Have a great week.

J.

You know you’re in a long-term relationship when…

Note: This was written from a female’s perspective.

You know you’re in a long-term relationship when…

1)

You no longer feel the need to have your ‘face’ on 24/7, because if he’s still with you after seeing your real mug, he ain’t going anywhere now.

 

2)

Netflix and chill actually means Netflix and chill… and Pringles.

 

3)

You love his dog as if he was your own.

 

4)

Meeting in the kitchen for a ‘cup a tae’ counts as a date.

 

5)

You STILL can’t agree on a place to eat.

 

6)

Your family like him more than they like you.

 

7)

Sitting together in silence while you both scroll through Facebook qualifies as quality time.

 

8)

He drives you cracked when he’s around but you miss him when he’s not. (Puke.)

 

9)

There are TV shows that you’re not allowed to watch on your own because you’re now both fully committed to a series.

 

10)

The amount of “kisses” put at the end of a text has slowly decreased over the years. (Just out of pure laziness.)

 

11)

You see it as a romantic gesture when he leaves the room to fart.

 

12)

He tells you off for eating things you shouldn’t because he knows you’re gonna complain about being fat later… and he’s probably right.

 

13)

You know each other’s passwords for everything but you couldn’t even be arsed having a snoop.

 

Based on true events.

J.