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Please read the following post at your own risk.

I can almost guarantee that it contains an absolute hape of sarcasm, exaggeration, sh*te-talk and some unintentional insults…. Well, kind of unintentional….

So, let me set the scene for you… It’s 3.27am on a Friday morning. I’m wide awake in bed with a dressing gown and hot water bottle, typing away in the pitch dark while listening to Michael Bublé’s song ‘Lost’ on YouTube….

Yes lads, it’s official. I’m f*ckin’ pathetic.

So, anyways. It has been well over two months since I’ve written anything and all I can say is even though a lot happened during that time; inspiration was at 0% so I hung up my aul’ writing cap for a while. (Just a figure of speech though. I don’t actually wear a cap when I write.)

*Note to self*: Buy cap.

So, in order to avoid boring the absolute hole off everyone, instead of writing paragraphs upon paragraphs about the past few months, I’m just going to do out a short time-line of events in chronological order… YAY!

Note: Other bits and bobs happened during these months but they’re kind of boring and long stories so I’ll just stick to the main points.

Right, let’s roll…

2nd of Sept ’17: I competed in my 2nd IPF competition in ABS Dublin.

3rd of Sept ’17: I packed up my sh*t to move to the South of France.

3rd of Sept ’17: Only like 3 people know about this because I was completely scatthered and mortified but sure I may as well just spill the beans now…

I may have missed my flight to France. (And to those of you who know me well… YES, YES, I KNOW I’M LATE TO EVERYTHING!) Anyway, I stayed in Dublin for one more night in the hope that I’d be let on the full flight the next day….

4th of Sept ’17: Got to the airport 7 hours early this time and made it to France. True story.

Sept ’17: Worked as an Au-pair and a barmaid and met some fantastic people in the pub I was working in.

Early Oct ’17: Still in France, getting fat due to eating pasta like there was a famine announced and not having time to pi*s never-mind go to the gym.

Late Oct ’17: Miserable, still getting fat, missing everybody at home, still wasn’t training, working all day everyday and still poor as f*ck.

Nov ’17: Finally grew a pair of temporary ‘cajones’ in order to tell the people I worked for that I was miserable and that I was leaving… No sooner said than done and I was out the gap…

and no, I didn’t miss my flight back to Ireland…

Nov ’17: I went back to work in the job I had before I left and I went back powerlifting and training for my next competition. Absolutely delighted to be back.

Dec ’17: I got a second job as a ‘childcare practitioner’ in a playschool in Athlone and I absolutely love it. (Yes, don’t worry, I promise I’m qualified to be around children.)

10th of Dec ’17: I competed in my 3rd IPF competition in City Gym in Limerick. We had a grand day out and it was a great aul’ day for the parish.

Mid Dec ’17: Christmas was approaching fast and my usual ‘HOLY JAYSIS I HAVE NOTHING BOUGHT’ anxiety started to kick in.

Christmas Eve ’17: For the safety of others, I made a promise to myself that I would never, ever, ever set foot in a shopping centre during a holiday season again…. Animals. They were like animals I tell ya.

Current Day: It is now 4.39am, I’m 580 words into this blog and I’m wondering why it has taken me over an hour to write this much… I suppose you can’t rush perfection.

(I know. I laughed too…)


 

Give or take a few ups and downs, that’s about the size of it now lads.

Fair enough, France didn’t work out for me for reasons that I didn’t really include above, but for my mental and physical health, it was time for me to come home.

Before I left Ireland to move to France, a very good friend of mine told me that for reasons that I might never know, I had to make the move and experience something different whether it was going to work out or not. I knew if I didn’t, I’d always regret it. She was dead right. I appreciate what I have at home now more than I ever did because I know how it felt not to have it for a while.

I also met some people there who I hope to know for the rest of my days and you can’t put a value on that. I also re-kindled my love for white wine while I was there, so there ya go… silver-lining!


 

So, it’s going to be 2018 in a couple of days and there’s one thing I want to do before I finish up here. (Yes, I’m nearly done.) I want to just name a few things I’m thankful for in 2017, because although personally it was quite a difficult year, I have many, many things that I am very grateful for. I know nobody asked to hear these, but I don’t give a sh*te, I’m going to tell ye anyways…

Right… On to the soppy sh*t:

Things I’m grateful for in 2017:

  1. Yes, it’s my family. Duh. I love them. Simple as that… and I may not always get to see them all very often, but I always know they’re there and that they love me, because well, they don’t really have a choice in the matter…
  2. My 2 dogs. If you know me, you’ll know that they are my world.
  3. My health. Well, when I say that now I mean I think I’m generally healthy, but I feel as though if I ran a mile in the shape I’m in right now, I’d probably die. No joke.
  4. Friends. I can honestly say that I would have been a very, very lost soul this year without the support of friends. Without going into the deets, just recently, someone who I met this year really screwed me over and it hurt me big-time. At the time I was up in a heap about it, but I snapped out of it fairly lively after I had the sense talked back into me by getting some genuine advice, being able to have a good aul’ rant about it and having the occasional shoulder to cry on! As clichéd and all as it sounds, tough times really do show you who is a genuine friend. I will never be able to thank them enough, but all I can say is that they have made my life a whole lot better since they’ve come into it. (Bloody hell, I am gone fierce sentimental in me auld age….)
  5. I don’t really know what to call this one but I just want to say that I’m grateful for the different positive changes and opportunities that 2017 brought me. Whether it be the jobs I’ve gotten or the moves I’ve made, it all brought along a lot of great people too, so looking back on the year, there were a lot of pros!
  6. This website and blog! I love writing and it gives me a great feeling when I hear that someone has enjoyed reading one of my posts, so thank you to anyone who has had the patience to read my annoyingly long blogs and I hope you continue to do so in 2018!

 

I know I have definitely left out some bullet points there but it’s now 5.35am and I’m starting to feel the burn of the laptop screen on my eyeballs… A sure sign that it’s time to wrap this shizz up I think.

I might write a new years resolution post in the next few days so…

…watch this space —->[________]

Until then… Have a fantastic end of 2017 and an even better beginning of 2018 folks.


 

….Wellll this is awkward… I wanted to write a really witty and clever closing paragraph to finish this off, but I’m actually knackered here and I’m just not able to come up with anything good right now…

I suppose I’ll just say bye so…

 

Bye so.

 

J.

 

 

The ‘D’ word

The following post is based on personal experiences and may contain mature themes…

(Bet you’re curious now…)

Sooo, I got lost driving around Mougins (Moo-zhan) today because I felt like too much of a dumbass to go back into the house to ask someone how to use the SatNav, so I just drove in a random direction, (as you do) and ended up turning back home again after 20 minutes… At least I got out for a nice spin anyway!

Oh yeah, guess what happened THEN; after a loooooonng day, I made myself a mug a tae, (Barry’s. None of your French sh*te), I put it on the coffee table while I went to get something in the kitchen and came back to find Rocco (the 5 month old Wolfhound X) slurping out of my mug of tea while dripping it all over my phone. Now, most people would flip, but all I could do was laugh at the poor shmuck and the big mustache of tea he had. Gas it was….. Ya had to be there I sh’pose.

I know nobody asked; but that was my day! Anyways… I am going to head down a totally different route with this blog, but I’ll try not to darken the mood too much so I’ll pop in an odd funny pic here and there… for example…

Change of plan…..

Ok, funny story (not really though), I tried finding a/an hilarious picture to put above here but I actually couldn’t find any good ones so instead of re-typing the last paragraph, I am just gonna tell ye now, I’m scrapping the whole pic thing this time ’round. It’s 50% the internet’s fault and 50% pure laziness on my part. Anyway, enough sh*te-talk. On to the blog…

The serious bit…

Right, well I’m sure you all know somebody who suffers with, or you yourself suffer with some sort of mental illness, whether it be depression, bi-polar disorder, general anxiety or whatever it may be. It’s becoming more and more common, but a lot of people are still uncomfortable talking about it because they might feel as if they will be treated differently because they have an illness or because they will be seen as ‘mental’.

Well, in this day and age, the only thing that’s ‘mental’ is that there are still some people out there who will make someone feel that way, but whatchyagonnado?…..(Bate them)…..Kidding……Kinda…

So anyway, I wanted to talk a little about my own experience with depression… DUN DUN DUNNNNNN… BUT Before I do, I just want to start by saying this; depression doesn’t make me more special than anyone else, it doesn’t make me feel like I’m more interesting, I didn’t ‘self-diagnose’ or ‘google diagnose’ myself and NO, I’m not looking for attention. Anyone who knows me, knows (or should know) that I am quite the opposite of an attention seeker and it would be a bit ridiculous to use something like that to get attention…. (Some people do it and it drives me f*cking bananas, but we’ll let them off… the big sad B*stards.)

So now that I’ve gotten that part out of the way… (Over 500 words in and I’m still sh*te talking…Jayyysissss.)

RIGHT. Drive on Joanne……DRIVE ON…

OK lads… There are probably two main reasons for this post; 1. I want to (hopefully) write something that a lot of you can relate to by talking about a ‘serious’ subject in a kind-of blunt or a more ‘human’ way than someone who uses big, intelligent words (unlike myself) and then 2. So I can use this post to maybe help myself and put what I deal with into words and use it as a bit of ‘literary therapy’. Oooh fawwncy.

On we go…..

Up until a few years ago, nothing felt out of the ordinary and occasionally I was just the normal amount of sad. Like for instance, when something bad happened or if I had a bad day then yeah, of course I’d be sad. So, in the past few years, things have completely changed and I realised that I was actually sad all of the time.

I have often tried, but it is very, very hard to put into words the feeling of it. It’s as if I had no control over my own head, thoughts, emotions or even my life.

One thing I can say is that I have never felt ashamed of this part of my life and nobody should. I don’t think it makes me or anyone else weird… It’s other crap that makes me weird, but I’ll leave that story for another time… (I know ye’re thinking; ‘Thank God!’)

So yeah, things kind of escalated from there and instead of just being sad all of the time, I didn’t even want to be awake or have to think anymore. I didn’t want to see any people, I didn’t want to get out of bed, dreaded communicating in general with anyone but at the same time, I hated my own company and didn’t want to be alone either. How can ya win?! For months and months I suffered with insomnia to the point where I actually dreaded when it would be nighttime because I knew what it meant…

It was as if I was in a battle with myself in my own head and it was draining the energy out of me. The simplest of tasks, like holding a conversation with someone seemed like a chore and I found myself becoming a pretty good actress at times just to remain ‘friendly’ or ‘normal’. Now don’t get me wrong, this has no reflection on anyone I was talking to, it was just that I didn’t feel capable of any natural social interaction without having to pretend that I was ‘as happy as Larry’ and all that… (Larry always seems to be havin’ a great time fair play to him.)

Over time, I’ve spoken to a few people about this before and I know it’s a common enough thing (what I just described above), but I can only speak for myself. I’m not an expert, I’m just talking about what I know from my own experience so don’t quote me on anything!

So anyway, at first, I hadn’t actually told anybody about what I was feeling because I couldn’t explain it. I found myself hating everything. I literally had a negative thought about everyone and everything and I was exhausted being in my own head. I honestly felt as if I was losing myself. I then thought that I was just a grumpy, cynical b*tch who hated the world (to be fair, I probably am one of those too), but now that I’ve seen my doctors, been diagnosed, found medication that works for me, I can finally see that I wasn’t myself at all.

Obviously medication isn’t the answer to everything and there is of course an answer for whatever ‘imbalance’ happens in the brain for these things to happen, but for now, I’m very, very, very thankful that I no longer feel the way I did before this 100% of the time. Because to be honest; it was f*cking awful. Of course I still have bad days or weeks with it, but I am feeling so much better than I was.

I suppose one thing that some of you could get out of reading this (assuming that someone reads this, ha) is that if you do feel as if you aren’t yourself or you’re ‘down’ or sad more often than not, there may very well be a simple solution. Whether it’s meds, counselling, meditation or whatever other options that you have to try; don’t settle for sadness… (I should trademark that…Quite catchy that one now.)

Although I am over a thousand words into this here, there is a lot I haven’t shared and it’s not because I don’t want to, it’s more that I don’t want to bore you all, unintentionally worry anyone or scare anyone away from reading my stuff because I’m seriously desperate for readers…. DON’T LEAVE!!!! Kidding, kidding……

But yeah, seriously though; in the very recent past, I have had some very, very dark days that I don’t plan on re-living, and I can honestly say that although I knew I had someone I could to talk to, at the time I (stupidly) had no desire to ask for help and I was 100% wrong by thinking that way.

God forbid I find myself in dark times again, I have to remember to ask the people who care about me for a hand back to ‘the other side’. (Sounds very dramatic, but ya know what I mean.)

Believe it, or believe it not; even if you are an absolute w*nker, I can guarantee you, there is someone who loves you and cares about you enough to help and talk to you when you need it. You’re needed more than you think. Ya hear me?!

(Jaysis, I am gone fierce sentimental in me auld age!)

 

The conclusion:

Moral of the story;

  1. You’re not crazy
  2. Depression is super common so don’t be afraid of it
  3. You’re not special (no offence, but none of us are…..aww maaan…)
  4. Even if you’re a d*ckhead, help is always there when you need it
  5. You should ‘like’ this blog on Facebook ’cause I need the publicity (just trying to lighten the mood there)
  6. Find what works for you in terms of help. Just because meds work for me, does not mean they are for everyone. Even I know they are only a temporary solution
  7. Don’t settle for sadness.

Ah would ya look at that, a list of 7; me fave number!

I hope I didn’t bore you all with my rambling and I also hope that at least one person may have related to some part of this. At the end of the day, I’m just one person sharing a personal experience; I’m not a doctor or an expert.

I’ll be back next time with something hilarious to balance things out again!

 

Until then…

Try to be good, be nice and be happy.

 

J.

 

What parents say VS what they actually mean

The characters and events in this blog are fictitious. Any apparent similarity to real persons is not intended by the author and is either a coincidence or the product of your own troubled imagination.

(I’d like to be able to say that I came up with that myself, but no, I had to copy and paste that sh*t.)


 

SO, I’ve been thinking about writing this one for a while and I finally got around to it… Albeit at 4am on a Friday morning, but sure I do my best thinking at this time!

We all say things sometimes when really we mean something else altogether… We just hope that the other person will get the hint and not take offence. I thought I’d come up with a short list of examples of how parents can be guilty of this!…. You’re more likely to relate if you’re Irish I think but still, Enjoy…

Note: No offence was intended in the writing of this blog.

1.

The use of dreaded technology

What parents say: “Oh God, I haven’t a clue how to use this yoke, sure we didn’t grow up with phones, will you send this text for me?”

What they mean: “I’m going to milk the whole ‘I’m old and can’t use technology’ thing for as long as I can so that I don’t have to write my own texts because I couldn’t be arsed, so will you do it for me?”


 

2.

The clothes line

What parents say: “JAYSIS will you bring in the clothes off the line, it’s starting to piss!!!”

What they mean: “You better run like a b*stard and get those clothes in or ther’ll be shlaps thrown all sides… and make sure you hang them up inside too.”


 

3.

The third degree

What parents say: “Where are you off to?”

What they mean: “Where are you going? Who are you going to see? How long will you be gone? What are you going to be doing? What time will you be back and will you bring home a litre of milk with you?”


 

4.

The ‘subtle’ question

What parents say: “Had you enough money?”

What they mean: “You better give me back my change ya little sh*t.”


 

5.

The guilt trip

What parents say: “Don’t go gettin’ me anything for my birthday now, save your money.”

What they mean: “I’m only telling you not to get me anything so that you’ll feel guilty and do a heap of housework to make up for not getting me a present.”


 

6.

The attempt at reverse psychology

What parents say: “Right so, it’s up to yourself if that’s what you want to do…”

What they mean: “If you do it, you’re a muppet and don’t say I didn’t warn you…………………….don’t do it.”


 

7.

The outfit

What parents say: “That’s what you’re wearing is it?”

What they mean: “Holy mother of Jesus what is she wearing out, the whole family will be put to shame.”


 

8.

The warning

What parents say: “Mind yourself on the road now.”

What they mean: “Get a scratch on my car and God love you, you needn’t bother coming home.”


 

9.

The trick

What parents say: “Dinner’s ready!”

What they mean: “Dinner isn’t ready yet, but I called you knowing that it would piss you off to have to wait another 15 minutes.”


 

10.

The test

What your mother says: “Go and ask your dad.”

What she means: “That fella better not say ‘yes’ or I’ll bate him.”


 

11.

The test results

What your dad says: “What did your mother say?”

What he means: “Don’t ask me, just do what your mother said or she’ll bate me.”


 

12.

The throwback

What your parents say: “I wouldn’t have gotten away with doing something like that when I was your age.”

What they mean: “I don’t give a sh*t what dodgy stuff I did back in the day, you’re not gettin’ away with it now.”


 

13.

The remote

What your parents say: “Is there anything on TV you want to watch?”

What they mean: “LOL JK, tough sh*t, The Late Late Show is on!”


 

 

To be continued…


 

Happy Friday & have a great weekend.

 

J.