You know you’re house-sharing…

Holy-Mary-Mother of God. It has been almost a year since I’ve written a blog. Where did 2019 go at all, at all? I’ve done a few short pieces on social media every so often and 2 ‘challenge’ videos, but I don’t count those as blogs. So, here I am, on the 1st of December, making an attempt at writing something entertaining for the first time in 11 months or so. This should be interesting… or disastrous.

I thought that maybe a ‘list’ style blog would be best to ease myself back in and also make this a bit shorter to read than my usual essay-shtyle ones.

So this is the shtory…

…in the last month, I’ve moved home to Mayo after living in Athlone for over 8 years. (Story for another day.)

Anyways, I was living in shared accommodation for pretty much all of those 8 years and usually lived with 3 other people, so when I moved home, it got me to thinking about the differences between living with a few people who were initially ‘strangers’ and now living back at home again. Most of us have experienced both, so hopefully you can all relate to some of my own personal experiences!… and for the record, I mean no offence to anyone in the list below. It’s just a compilation of observations from all the places I’ve lived…So, without further doo-doo, let’s get this show on the road…

You know you’re house-sharing…


1- Unless you’re expecting a takeaway, you do not, under any circumstances, answer the door to anybody. (Could be the po-po, the T.V licence w*nker or worse: the landlord.)

2- When your milk starts to mysteriously go missing, you must demonstrate a game of Tetris with your food in the fridge in order to hide your beloved carton of milk in the back corner. (Sorry, but tea is too important to ever risk being left milk-less.)

3- Cutlery doesn’t exist. It’s a myth and you may as well just get used to eating everything with your hands.

4- Rule No.1: Never, ever, EVER leave your favourite mug in a communal area. Some f*cker WILL take it, break it… and then it’s gone. Foreverrrrr… (Top tip there.)

5- You might think you’ve just cleaned the kitchen, but really it’s just an illusion and if you blink twice, it will have magically transformed back into the bomb-site it previously was. Some real voodoo sh*t right there.

6- It’s true what they say; you really don’t know someone until you’ve lived with them. (Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes absolutely f*ckin’ chronic…)

7- Even the smallest person can resemble the sound of a herd of rhinos doing River-dance on the floor above yours. My suggestion: Earplugs… Or a headbutt. (Either works.)

8- You somehow have to fit everything you’ve ever owned in a very average-sized bedroom. The saying: “Not able to swing a cat” comes to mind.

9- You roam the house in P.Js, a dressing gown, 2 blankets, fluffy socks, slippers and a hot-water bottle strapped to your waist in the attempt to further postpone buying a tank of oil. (It didn’t work. We had to get oil.)

10- For some unknown reason, the oven and microwave take twice as long to cook things as they do back in your home-house. (First-world probs.)

11- The kitchen bin is not a bin, it’s actually a game of “How high can we stack this sh*t up before muggins (me) empties it and puts in a new one?” Srsly. Not cool.

12- You can run, you can hide, but you can not have a conversation without everyone in the house, the neighbours and yer-man up the road hearing you.

13- Sleep-in? Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. No.

14- People’s untidiness and inability to clean gives you actual heart-palps and anxiety on the daily. Y u do dis?

15- Your housemates see you looking your ugliest more than anyone else does. Sincerest apologies for that. I’ll send a card.

16- You can identify who’s cooking by the smell of the food in the house. Garlic? Yep, know who that is.

17- If a light goes, say your goodbyes. It’s gone and nobody’s bringing it back. RIP.

18- Thanks to the lack of an electric shower and a dodgy immersion, you’ve had to take more cold showers than a hormonal teenage boy. (Never gets easier.)

19- You’re delighted with yourself because you’ve gotten paid, you’re planning a night out and you have some money left-over after paying your bills, but then BOOM: Rent’s due, day ruined.

20- Although it’s painfully awkward, you feel the need to say ‘hey’ to your housemate every single time you see or pass by them in the house. (Even if it’s 16 times. Yes, 16. Awkward. Painful encounters.)

21- No matter whether you’re male or female, there’s always a ‘Mammy’ of the house… and if you don’t know who it is, then it’s you. Mammy.

22- You picture the landlord/lady as a dangerous mythical creature that will come and murder you in the middle of the night if you break, dirty, scratch or move anything in the house… Just me? Ok, just me.

23- You’re forced to take on extra adult responsibilities like paying bills, buying oil, calling electricity companies to find out what DAFUCK is going on and you don’t like it. You don’t like it one damn bit.


Well there it is, just some of my experiences from house-sharing. I squeezed my brain dry trying to think of those ones tonight, I must be out of practice. This thinking business is getting hard.

If you’ve got some of your own ones, comment or holler them at me in a message, I’d love to hear them. Sarcasm and dark humour always welcomed with open arms.

I must say, it was nice to be back writing a little bit. I missed it and I’ll hopefully have a brain-wave rather than a brain-fart soon and get the words flowing again.

Alrighty then, thanks for reading and I hope someone enjoyed it!…Someone? Anyone? No? K.

Over & out.

J.

TV Shows described in 5 words

The following post is based on my own personal opinions and impressions of several TV shows that I have watched over the years. It is not meant as a review so don’t come cryin’ to me if you don’t like how I’ve described the shows. That is all.

 

This post was written for the following reasons:

  1. The Craic.

 


 

So yeah, there I was earlier today, working away on a new blog when I picked up my phone and went into my ‘notes’ for some unknown reason. To my delight, my most recent note to myself was one with the title: “Describe TV shows in 5 words” and I thought ‘Thank you Jesus” because I had hit a serious road-block with the other post and I was glad to work on something else.

You see, I’m always wide awake at night and I’m more like a flaming thorn-bush of hatred in the mornings, so I do my best thinking at night. I do often make a note of ideas I have for writing about and so Bob’s your uncle and all that; here we are!

So yeah, that’s what I’m gonna do! Wellll, when I say describe, I mean it more like; ‘The 5 words that come to mind when I think of this TV show’ kind of thing…. If ya get me.

As I said above, there is no real reason behind this blog. I just think it will be a fun challenge for me and MAAAYYYBEE someone might get a laugh out of it.

If not… I’ll just delete the website and never write again………. Too dramatic? Thought so!

Let’s get on with it then…

…and Don’t worry, there is no need for a ‘Spoiler Alert’. I don’t really give much away in my descriptions so you don’t have to read this with one eye closed.

TV Shows described in 5 words:

 

1. Orange is the New Black: Lesbian prisoners sell their knickers.

 

2. Daredevil: Blind superhero can’t see sh*t.

 

3. Once upon a time: Fairy-tale characters high on acid.

 

4. How to get away with murder: Alcoholic lawyer teaches ‘yuppy’ f*ckers.

 

5. Homeland: Crazy blonde b*tch catches terrorists.

 

6. Pretty little liars: Dead girl isn’t actually dead OR Five gobsh*tes do stupid sh*t.

 

7. Breaking Bad: Dying teacher cooks unreal meth.

 

8. House of cards: Dodgy politician climbs Washington’s ladder.

 

9. Grey’s Anatomy: Unluckiest hospital in the world.

 

10. The 100: Teenagers f*ck up earth again.

 

11. The Walking Dead: Zombies left, right and centre.

 

12. Game of Thrones: (Never watched this but I’m gonna give it a go using what I        have heard.) Land, murder, dragons and ridin’. (How did I do?!)

 

13. Dexter: Introvert ‘gets off’ on killing.

 

14. American Horror Story: Your nightmares in a nutshell.

 

15. True Blood: Vampires ride and eat everyone.

 

16. Stranger Things: 80’s kids search for friend OR Bald kid gets nose bleeds.

 

17. American Vandal: Student paints d*cks on cars. (That’s supposed to be an ‘i’ not a ‘u’ by the way….)

 

18. The Big Bang Theory: Five nerds and two blondes OR Science, hot beverages and knocking.

 

19. 13 Reasons Why: Girl records reasons friends suck.

 

20. The Killing: Cynical ginger woman solves murders.

 

21. Scandal: President bangs his communications director.

 

22. The Good Wife: Cheating lawyers defend dodgy b*stards.

 

23. Glee: High School Musical on steroids.

 

24. The Flash: Fast lad does cool sh*t.

 

25. That’s so Raven: Psychic teenager makes stupid faces.

 

26. Powerpuff Girls: Three psycho b*tches fight crime.

 

27. Scream Queens: Idiots murdered one by one.

 

28. Lost: What the f*ck’s going on?

 

29. Keeping up with the Kardashians: Absolute gobsh*tes doing absolutely nathin’.

 

30. Nashville: Sex, drugs and Country music.

 

To be continued…


 

Aw lads I’m knackered trying to think of more shows that I’ve watched, so I’m gonna leave her there for now. Feel free to comment any that you come up with yourselves. I’d love to hear them!

I’m working on two other blogs at the minute (try and contain the excitement now), but I don’t want to publish them too soon. You know what they say; nothing worse than premature publication right?! Ay ay?! (I’ll see myself out….)

Anyhoo, that’s it… I’ll hopefully get to post again this weekend with some amaaaaazingly funny shtuff, so until then…

 

Have a great week & be good.

 

J.

 

A list of Sh*t I hate

The opinions expressed in the following post are personal and are not intended to offend or upset anyone. However, if this does occur; please pick up the nearest phone and call someone who cares.

Kidding, kidding…

For anyone who is reading this and hasn’t ever read any of my other stuff, I’m warning you now; I am very, very sarcastic. Not mean. Just very sarcastic… (ok maybe a bit mean but, meh…)

Now that we’ve that cleared up, I’ll get into the good stuff… (yes, it does get better than this.)

I’ve spent the last few days compiling a list of ‘sh*t I hate’ and just making note of it in my phone and surprise, surprise; I hate a lot of sh*t. I don’t want to seem like a super moany b*tch, but I just thought it would be fun to make a list and see if other people hate the same things that I do. Super fun right?!

I might follow-up this post with a list of ‘sh*t I love’, but that might be a bit too soppy so I’ll see about that one…

*Side note: I am aware that there are ACTUAL problems in the world and that most of the things on this list are pathetically petty, but it’s just for entertainment purposes, so chill the beans…

Right so, without further doo-doo, I present to you; the list…

Sh*t I hate:

In no particular order…

  1. When I burn my tongue on the first sip of tea. My day is genuinely ruined when this happens.

 

2. When I accidentally rip the cardboard tab at the top of the cereal box. WHY can’t I do anything right?

 

3. When I order food WITHOUT salad/grass on the plate and the food comes WITH salad/grass on the plate… Do I need to write it down for ya’ll?

 

4. General talking on the phone but especially having to call people to make appointments… I’ve to have a script done out or I panic and hang-up before they answer.

 

5. Wearing a sock with a hole.

 

6. Wearing 2 socks with 2 holes.

 

7. Salad.

 

8. Sh*te WiFi. I would genuinely rather no WiFi at all.

 

9. Ketchup in general is offensive and I strongly feel as if it should be banned from public places. Just sayin’.

 

10. Big groups of insects. They may be small, but they creep me out when they’re in gangs.

 

11. Hand dryers in public bathrooms. Could they BE any louder?

 

12. Burps. Can’t cope with them. Absolute pet hate of mine.

 

13. Not being able to eat bread for breakfast, lunch and dinner without becoming a chunky monkey.

 

14. When I go into a supermarket for 1 item and there is ALWAYS someone standing right in front of the shelf I need to look at… Every. Single. Time.

 

15. I spill my tea on myself at LEAST once a day without fail. Seriously considering using a sippy-cup.

 

16. The absence of an apostrophe when it’s necessary. (See what I did there?!)

 

17. The sea. Yeah it looks fab but, it stinks, it’s full of crazy-ass creatures and you can like, die.

 

18. The character Emily in ‘Friends’. I don’t care what anyone says, she was a d*ck. Fact.

 

19. The fact that there is still a lizard hiding in my bathroom and I fear that he is waiting patiently for the perfect moment to re-enact the shower scene from psycho… (updates to come)

 

20. People who use the word ‘bae’ un-sarcastically. Who is ‘bae’ and where the f*ck did they come out of?

 

21. A new-found hate of mine; dirty, rotten mosquito b*stards.

 

22. Liquorice. I really don’t get it. You might as well eat tar. Also, the smell of it reminds me of that one time I almost died. (Shoutout to sambuca for that one.)

 

23. The ending to the series ‘The Good Wife’… WHAT the hell was that about? Seven seasons for what? Shockin’ disappointed I was.

 

24. Someone touching my food. I’m all good with the sharing, not with the touching. (Sounds dodge, but ya get what I mean.)

 

25. When you bite into a slice of pizza, all the cheese comes off and you burn your chin. WHY MEEEE???

 

26. Noise in general. I’m gone fierce sensitive to loud noises in me auld age.

 

27. When there’s no milk for a droppeen a tae. I won’t even go there.

 

28. Busting a hole in my fave jeans. Three pairs gone. THREE. (I blame the government.)

 

29. Someone talking to me while I eat. Food will always take priority, so SHADDUP ’til I’m done.

 

30. When you’re standing in a queue in a shop and the person behind you is so close to you that you nearly have to invite them home with ya for the dinner. Get off me back ya dose.

 

Aaaaaand that’s it!

I think I’ll leave it at 30. There are many more, but I’ll hold it there for now. All genuine hates of mine. No fiction here lads! Well I enjoyed putting that list together. I feel like there’s a real weight off my shoulders… Ahhhh

Hopefully someone got a laugh out of one or two of them or at least related to a few! I’ll try and make my next blog less negative…. (Pfffft, yeah right.)

That’s it from me folks.

Have a great week,

Á bientot,

J.

Being a Teenager VS Being an Adult

This was written from a female’s perspective. No offence was intended in the writing of this blog…

The Intro.

Being 23 (and a half), I have been out of teenage-hood (I don’t know if that’s a thing or not) for over four years now. Personally, I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with the whole ‘adulthood’ thing.

Like many of us, there are some days that I would genuinely rather go and shovel donkey sh*t than have to go out into the real world and ‘adult’ for the day. (No offence to any sh*t shovellers out there.)

So, after having a good ol’ think about it, I thought I’d have a go at coming up with lists of pros and cons of being both a teenager and an adult. Why? For the craic… and that’s as good a reason as any… Enjoy.

 

The Lists

Read table from left to right…

Being a Teenager

Pros (The good shtuff)

Cons (The bad shtuff)

1.       You have little or no responsibilities. (I’m just after copping that there are four ‘i’s in that word.)   You’re not allowed do anything unless you ask your ma’ first.
2.      You have loads of social events lined up every weekend and for the Summer.   You have no car or lift to go anywhere.
3.      You get to see your friends at school every day.   You have to go to school every day.
4.      You don’t have any bills to pay.   You don’t have any money.
5.      Your weekends actually mean sleeping in and doing nathin’.   You are told when to go to bed on a school night. (Well I was. Sniff.)
6.      Nobody tells you anything so you have nothing to worry about.   Nobody tells you anything. (You just eavesdrop instead.)
7.       You have your whole future ahead of you.   You’re forced to choose a future NOW even though you can’t even boil an egg yet never mind know what you want to do for the rest of your life. (2 years spent doing engineering in college that I’ll never get back.)
8.      You’re as fresh as a daisy after a night of drinking. (2 cans in my case.)   Holy hell will be brought down on you at home if you are caught drinking.
9.      You have the time to do anything you want.   “You’re not going anywhere unless you…” (You know the rest.)
10.   There are loads of lads/girls at school to pick from.   You’re going through an ‘awkward’ phase (yes, puberty) so you ain’t gettin’ any from anyone.

 

Read table from left to right…

Being an Adult

 Pros (The good shtuff)

 Cons (The bad shtuff)

1.       You get to make all your own decisions.   You have to make all your own decisions.
2.      You have a car and are allowed to go wherever you want, whenever you want.   You have no time to do anything or go anywhere you want.
3.      You don’t have to go to school every day.   You have to go to work every day.
4.      You have a job and make your own money.   BILLS. BILLS. BILLS… BILLS.
5.      You can go to bed at any time you want.   You would gladly go to bed every night at 7pm if you could but there always seems to be sh*t to do.
6.      People tell you everything and give you all the best gossip.   Your memory has gone to sh*t so you can’t remember anything.
7.       Nobody is forcing you to decide on what you want to do.   You still have no idea what you want to do with the rest of your life and you need someone to tell you what to do.
8.      You can choose what you want to eat, whenever you want.   You have to cook. Effort.
9.      You’re old enough to drink legally and get into any nightclub.   Enjoy that 3 day hangover.
10.   You’re no longer going through an ‘awkward’ phase and have way more of a choice for a BF/GF.   You haven’t got the energy to put your face on, you look like sh*t and you still ain’t gettin’ any from anyone.

 

I hope someone can relate to some of these! Share if you enjoyed this. Until next time…

J.