The 2018 Poem

Warning: If you don’t like poems, you won’t like this post, because: DUN DUN DUNNN; it has a poem.

It’s a cool poem though… I promise… So keep reading…


 

Well, how is everyone doing?

Enter answer here –>______________

Just kidding, you can’t do that. Sorry. That would have been cool…

Anyways, I haven’t written since August. I have no excuse really, just the usual rubbish of  being busy working, the lack of motivation and avoiding the effort of taking the laptop out of the bag and all that kind of thing. See, no excuses whatsoever…

So, back in November, I had an idea to compile a recap of 2018 into a poem. (AS ya do.)

Why, you might ask? God and his mother only knows why. Ah no, I do have a reason…

Anyone who has read any of my other posts will know that; I usually ramble on for ages and ages (sorry) when I’m writing about a long period of time (like a year for example) and I usually find it hard to squeeze in all the info I want to include. There’s also that struggle of trying to make it somewhat entertaining (it does take some effort ya know) and so, to try and avoid the rambling, I figured it would be a whole lot easier to do a poem-style ‘summary’ if you will, and write one ‘verse’ for each month of 2018.

It’s kind of a summary of world news from the year and some things I did in 2018 too… Which, to be fair; was f*ck all! But sure look, who doesn’t love an aul’ poem! (Don’t answer that…)

Before I let ye go to read the poem, I just want to say something real quick about my overall experience of 2018 and what I’m taking from it. I know ye didn’t ask, but tough tiddies, I’m tellin’ ye anyways…

At the risk of being a cliché, 2018 was a year of many ups and downs for me. Yes, some good things happened, I think I met a few new people… genuinely don’t know if I did or not but I’m not very sociable so I wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t, but anyways… I spent time with people I love, I visited Germany for the first time, I went to 3 or 4 concerts and I was recently offered a new job too… (I start later on this month…but that’s a story for another day…)

So, without going into details, I’ve decided that my main goals for 2019 are going to focus on benefiting my mental and emotional health. So, instead of complaining about the problem, I’m just making note of this;

To those people who made 2018 a whole lot more difficult for me than it should have been; you won’t have a role in my 2019. Soz huns. (They’re totes not even reading this but it’s the thought that counts… right?)

I’m sure a few of you feel the same way about some people in your lives too, so a bit of distance is no harm!

Right, that’s the end of that. On a lighter note, let’s get poetic up in here…

(I think ye’ll get the ‘tune’ of the poem after the first few lines so it should get easier to read…)

Enjoy…


The 2018 Poem

 

Oh January, you hoor of a month. It could never end too soon.

I started in a brand new job and there was a bit of a ‘Supermoon’.

I think I went to Jump Lanes too and almost flattened a kid. (Accident)

I checked my Snapchat memories for this, to find out what I did.

(Well, at least the first four lines rhymed, let’s kape it going.)

 

February, I can’t really recall, what happened during you?

I think the Winter Olympics were on and sh*te aul’ Valentine’s too.

Back then, I was always in the gym, liftin’ this and that.

But now, I kind of ‘forget’ to go, because I’m a lazy twat. (100% a lazy twat.)

 

March, March, were you the month, when we had all the snow?

We got a good few days off work and built quarter of an igloo ya know? (We really tried.)

I started minding two little boys, every so often too.

The two of them are just the best and they actually think I’m cool.

(Only took 25 years for someone to think I’m cool. Go me.)

 

Oh April, the month that broke my heart, we lost our beautiful dog Missy.

I’ll never forget that Saturday, not even when I’m busy.

For fourteen years you made me happier, than anything – no question.

I love you and I miss you Petal, I’ll see you someday in heaven.

 

So May, let’s lighten sh*t up a bit, I went to see Ed Sheeran.

Fair play to him, he has the talent, I’m glad I got to see him.

The Eurovision, a wedding of Royals and all that fancy cr*p,

We repealed the 8th amendment and that’s all I’ll say on that.

 

Hey there June, my birthday month, I turned the big 25.

In other news, Saudi Arabia; finally allowed their women to drive.

I went to ‘Summer in the City’ and saw a few aul’ daycent bands.

Finally! We got to break from school, oh sh*t – I had no plans.

 

Oh my, July – what have we here, a total eclipse of the moon.

They found a lake on Mars and we’re having a heatwave too.

Holy Moses the heat was chronic, I was melting inside and out.

Global warming can kiss me hole, we were headed for a drought.

 

August fell and I knew well, ’twas my last month of freedom.

I did f*ck all and so I called some friends and went to see them.

I did some work for my friend’s dad, just now I can remember.

A family wedding, a new tattoo and *poof*, it was September.

 

…and as we know, what Green Day say; wake me up when it ends.

September came, all work no play, back to school and no sleeping in. (Dammit.)

Well, Dag Nabbit, I bought me a rabbit, she’s as cute as a button too.

I called her Heidi and to put it mildly; my Heidi ain’t no fool. (Mmm, Hmm.)

 

October hi, oh you flew by, what happened? Let me see…

Michael D. in for a second term and a holiday for me.

Cologne was nice, I’d go again, but the people are proper w*nkers. (No offence.)

Canada legalised the use of cannabis, hooray for all the stoners!

 

November’s the month that I got the idea, to write this little rhyme.

It sounded easier in my head and ’twas a good idea at the time. (Idiot.)

Actually, now that I think of it, I was away for some of this month too.

I saw Kodaline in concert, they were amazing… something, shoe?

(Blanked on that rhyme there, sorry.)

 

December, December, how is it goin’? All hell starts to break loose.

What is it about this month that makes me want to become a recluse?

Work was hectic, me head was fried, my good friend moved to Australia 😦

Christmas came and went so fast, ya barely knew what hit ya.

 

This verse is last, I’ll make it quick, a bit late for that says you.

I’m really hoping this New Year brings good news and people too.

So, YES I’m done, I’m finally done, I’m b*llocksed writing this.

Happy New Year to you and yours. Goodbye, Good luck & God Bless.

 

J. x

 


 

A pain in the hole…

*The purpose of this particular blog is basically for me to get a load of crap off my chest. (Not literal crap but, figurative crap.)*


Well people, how are we? It’s been a while but, I’m back. Just been working away like a busy bee, but I missed writing so I popped the finger out and got back to it.

I don’t have my laptop with me so I’m currently typing this into the notes on my phone. You work with what ya got!

So, it’s 5 in the morning, I can’t sleep and I have a story in my mind that in my opinion, needs to be told. (For my sake though, not yere’s… sorry.) Just recently I found out some enlightening info from a friend that compelled me to finally write this blog. To be honest, I had let something go that happened a while back up until finding out this new information… but there’s only so far one can be pushed and so you could say I’ve been ‘pushed’ to write this.

Because of the nature of this sitch-ee-ay-shin, I decided to write the story in the third person so that it didn’t sound like it was me just having an aul’ rant and a moan… (wouldn’t be like me!)

Before we get going here, I’ll just start it off for y’all. (I hope ye have some food nearby too because this is a long one…) 

Like I’ve done before, I’m writing this to help myself deal with a sh*t tonne of anxiety that one person from my past has brought upon me. I feel like I have no other way of expressing myself about it all and if I don’t write this, I might just explode one of these days. So here’s my story… It’s not riveting, it’s not exciting, but it is honest and 100% true… and the boring ol’ truth is all I’ve got for ye today folks I’m afraid…

**Other than the character’s names used, everything else in the following story is 100% true and is written from my own personal experience.**

Here we go…

Once upon a time…

…There was a girl named Jane Doe who worked behind the bar in a nightclub. Jane Doe enjoyed working in the nightclub as she got along well with everybody and it was a good place to work overall. After a couple of months, Jane Doe moved to France for two months to work as an au-pair. To put it bluntly, Jane was having a sh*te time of it in France so she moved back home and went to work in the nightclub again.

However, there were a few new members of staff who had recently started. Jane Doe was told by a few people that one of the new staff members was a ‘super nice guy’, in fact, one of the comments made was that he was perhaps ‘too nice’. (Too good to be true you might say? You bet your hole it was.)

So then, after a week or so, Jane Doe began talking to this new guy every so often and you could say that there may have been some flirting or some sort of awkward communication between them anyways. They started to get along quite well and he did seem ‘super nice’ like people had said. 

This super nice guy’s name was; Dill Doe. Yes; Dill Doe.

Dill Doe and Jane Doe started seeing each other. In fact, they saw each other almost all day, every day for 3 or 4 weeks. After a week or so, Jane Doe started to notice that some of the things that Dill Doe was telling her weren’t really adding up. For instance; Dill Doe told Jane that he had left an engineering job that paid him €1000 a week so that he could go and work as a part-time bar tender in the nightclub instead and be paid just above minimum wage. BUT apparently, the engineering company were BEGGING for Dill Doe to come back and work for them because of how much of an asset he was, but he decided he preferred to be poor. (Oh yes, because that made total f*cking sense.) 

Anyways…. Jane Doe found a lot of Dill Doe’s stories hard to believe… and it only became worse. Everything and anything was a lie. Even the smallest things he would say were an obvious lie and it was exhausting. Why was he like this? 

Jane Doe told a few of her friends that she was seeing him and it turned out that 3 or 4 of them knew who he was from back when they were in college too. Jane Doe’s friends told her how full of sh*t he was back then too and that all he did was tell lies, but nobody could understand why he did it.

Jane Doe took note of all of this, but because she still liked him a bit, she gave him the benefit of the doubt and said nothing to him. (Jane, you tit.)

Jane Doe and Dill Doe were practically living in each other’s pockets at this stage. They were working together, spending every day together and sharing lots and lots of ‘stories’.

Jane Doe told Dill Doe several difficult stories from her past that not many people knew about her. At the time, Jane Doe trusted him enough to tell him these things because he had told her many times that in his eyes; ‘all women should be treated like queens’ and so she fell for his ‘sweetness’… (PUKE.)

One day, while Jane Doe was getting ready for work, she saw Dill Doe take a Snapchat of himself, write a long message and send it to someone. Jane, admittedly being a nosey b*tch, asked Dill Doe who he was snap chatting but, Dill Doe replied; ‘nobody’. 

Now, Jane Doe may have been a nosey b*tch, but she wasn’t a dumb b*tch, so she continued to ask Dill Doe for the truth, knowing that he was lying. After repeatedly denying talking to anyone on Snapchat, Jane asked Dill Doe to prove it by showing her his phone. Then, he did show her, and KEL-SUPREEZ, he HAD in fact sent a Snapchat to someone and low-and-behold, it happened to be to the same girl he had recently been constantly messaging, flirting with and ‘helping’ to get a job in the same nightclub he and Jane worked in. (Such a helpful and caring guy….) And would ya believe, this girl just so happened to be VERY attractive and single… but of course, he had ‘no interest in her.’ Even Stevie Wonder could tell that she was unreal looking so Dill Doe was very obviously full of sheeeeeet.

At this stage, Jane didn’t give two hoots about Dill Doe messaging anybody, she just hated that he had lied and that he was constantly lying throughout their whole time together. It was all becoming clearer and she was getting a tad bit p*ssed off now.

So, after a good 20 minutes of Dill Doe denying that he was snap chatting anybody, (although it was RIGHT THERE on his phone in front of them both), Jane started packing all of her stuff and left the house after having the realization that this boy; Dill Doe, never was and never would be an honest or trustworthy person and in fact, if she hadn’t given him the benefit of the doubt so often, she would have copped on to that fact much earlier on. (I repeat; Jane, you tit.)

Unfortunately for Jane, both her and Dill Doe were down on the rota for working in the nightclub that night. Jane was too angry to look at him, so she chose to pretend that he didn’t even exist when she went into work.

Like most workplaces, almost everyone else who worked in the nightclub knew that Jane Doe and Dill Doe were a ‘thing’ and so it was inevitable that it would soon become awkward and more difficult for both of them to work in the same place.

Jane was asked what had happened by some of their co-workers and so she told them the truth and that she chose to leave because of the lies. Unlike Dill Doe, she knew how to tell the truth and practiced it quite frequently. 

During the next week, Dill Doe messaged Jane, still maintaining his innocence and he told her how upset he was that it was over and how he cried himself to sleep after she had left him that evening. Jane didn’t know how this was even possible, seeing as he was working that same night in the same place as her and it would have been impossible for him to have been working AND at home crying like he had said. Wow, he must have had the gift of bi-location!

Jane still couldn’t talk to Dill Doe at work and although she hated what he had done, she still liked him a bit. (Jane, what the actual f*ck?)

Then, Jane was talking to some of their co-workers and she found out that Dill Doe had gone and ‘shifted the face’ off one of the girls who worked upstairs in the hotel above the nightclub. Jane also found out that Dill Doe had told everyone that he had in fact ‘kicked Jane out of his house’ that night, and that it wasn’t her that had left at all.

As you can imagine, Jane wasn’t a happy bunny. In fact, Jane was a very, very angry bunny. However, there was nothing she could do. At this stage, she had to just go into work, ignore Dill Doe and deal with the fact that he had moved on from her very quickly and was now telling lies about her to her co-workers. It soon became a difficult place for Jane to work and she just hated everything. Work wasn’t fun anymore, she was paranoid that people were believing the lies and she was also upset that she fell for a complete b*llocks.

Jane couldn’t take it anymore. She was miserable at the thought of going to work. So, Jane then decided to arrange a time to speak with Dill Doe in person, in order to ask him about what she had heard and to try and settle her head. They met each other and as you can imagine, Dill Doe denied ever saying anything about Jane to any co-worker. He also said that someone ‘pushed’ him into that girl that he was ‘shifting the face off’ and that he didn’t even mean to do it. (Oh yes, because people just walk around with their eyes closed and their mouths open.)

Dill Doe also told Jane that he wanted her back and that everything that she had heard was a complete lie. However, Jane knew better now and said no… and finally, Jane had lost all feelings for Dill Doe. All she felt now was resent.

After this, Jane decided that it was best to try and leave it all behind and have a civil ‘work relationship’ with Dill Doe for the sake of her job…

After a couple of weeks, it came to Jane and a few other staff members’ attention that back in December, while Dill Doe and Jane were still seeing each other, he was messaging a girl who was 7 years younger than him and he had been asking her on a ‘date’. One of the other employees in the nightclub was good friends with this said girl, therefore they could confirm this all to be true. (Jane was flippin’.)

…but sure wouldn’t you know it, Dill Doe denied it all to Jane once again and he said she was 100% wrong… Despite the fact that on several occasions after that, Dill Doe and that girl were in the nightclub drinking together in front of Jane while stuck to each other like sh*t to a blanket… but no, of course Jane was wrong about it all…

So it turned out that Dill Doe was in fact messaging two girls while seeing Jane and planning dates with one of them too… the plot thickened, but Jane’s patience was wearing thin…

…fast forward a few months. (I’m sure ye are all thinking hurry up to f*ck!)

Jane began to go out with one of the supervisors in the hotel above the nightclub. While she was out on a mystery tour with the nightclub staff, Dill Doe made his way over to Jane and asked if he could talk to her. She refused at first as she had no time for him anymore. He kept asking and she eventually gave in, in order not to cause a scene. Dill Doe started to talk absolute bullsh*t to Jane as per usual and was trying to get her to talk to him again. He also started to make comments about her new boyfriend that he now worked with in that bar too and began to tell very obvious lies about him in order to cause issues between Jane and her new man. Jane was quite used to this routine and just nodded her head and smiled. She told Dill Doe that things were ‘all fine’ now and agreed to be on good terms with him so that there would be no awkwardness at work. Jane had no intention of being Dill Doe’s friend again. She just wanted him to go away now… for good.

…Fast forward another few months (See, I told you it was a long one.)

Along with working in the nightclub, Dill Doe had also started working in the bar in the hotel upstairs with Jane’s new boyfriend and also Sally; the girl Dill Doe had ‘shifted the face off’ a few days after Jane ended things with him. 

Little did Dill Doe know that after a while, Jane became friends with Sally and a few members of staff in the hotel and she was informed of a few things that he had been telling the staff in the bar. Dill Doe said that ‘Jane is crazy. She threw pint bottles across the counter at customers down in the nightclub while she was working.’ 

Dill Doe also warned Sally that if she set foot in the nightclub, ‘Jane will throw pint bottles at you if you go down to the nightclub when she’s working there ’cause she’s crazy.’ He also told Sally that they couldn’t be together because apparently ‘Jane would get angry, stop them and throw something at her.’

Jane found this quite interesting seeing as she was now seeing another lad who she was happy with and had no interest in what Dill Doe did in any part of his life including his love life. It was also quite funny because it was complete and utter bullsh*t.

When Jane found out that Dill Doe had told more lies about her, she also found out that everyone initially believed these lies and actually did think she was crazy because they didn’t know her yet and believed what was said. She became fairly bloody thick now. In fact, her anxiety hit the roof and all those months she spent trying to forget the whole thing seemed to have been reversed instantly. 

All Jane kept thinking was; ‘how f*cking dare a 24 year old, lying little sh*t treat her that way, constantly tell her lies, betray her trust on several occasions, go behind her back with 2 girls and then tarnish her name by making up lies about her too so that nobody would like her.’ What had she done to deserve this?!

Jane didn’t know what to do. Her first instinct was to message him an angry text but, she knew it wouldn’t make a difference to him or how she felt, so she didn’t.

However, as a hobby, Jane liked to write blogs online in order to help get words and feelings out on a ‘page’ and sometimes, some people would even read them!… So, she decided she would write a blog on her less than satisfying experience with Dill Doe… and so that’s what she did…

…and so here we are!

The End… (Hopefully.)

So yeah, I know; it could have been a lot worse… But it was pretty sh*t while it was happening and affected me quite a bit. On the scale of things, this was a dot on the map, but unfortunately I’m a soft b*stard and took it all personally as per usual… (Guilty!)

I still don’t know why he did the things he did, or why he thought I deserved to be hurt and treated like that… and I’ll probably never know!

…but I bet anyone reading this can relate to at least one instance in their life when they were hurt by someone they should not have fallen for when they didn’t deserve it.

But yeah, enough moaning now! I just felt the need to get it all out of my head and write it all down. It has already taken up way too much of my time so this is my way of drawing a line under it… and it’s a free country so ya know what; A public blog is the way I thought best to do it!

I hope this was relatable! Our stories may differ but, let’s be honest, we’ve all had a Dill Doe…

J.

That Saturday…

Warning: The following blog may contain some feels. Sh*t gets real. Like, really real.

 

I almost had to blow dust and cobwebs off the laptop keyboard it’s been that long since I’ve written anything. It has been a hectic few months because of work mostly, so I genuinely didn’t get much of a chance to write something decent. Believe it or not, I don’t like throwing up any aul’ crap on to my blog. (Yes, I know what you’re thinking; “This has really been her best stuff?”).

You could also say I was suffering from a slight case of ‘writer’s block’ as I wasn’t feeling at all inspired… until now.

Before I start, I just want to warn you that this isn’t going to be like my usual blog posts. I’m not writing this with the purpose of entertaining anyone, but I am writing it as a form of ‘literary therapy’ for myself. (I know, how selfish of me). So, don’t be surprised if I get a bit morbid and soppy, but I’ll keep it short. (Who am I kidding, we all know I’m going to ramble on…)

So, here’s the shtory, albeit a sad one… Exactly 8 days ago, it was Saturday the 7th of April and myself and my mother had to bring our older dog Missy to the vet to be put to sleep. Now I know for most people this isn’t an easy or pleasant task and it happens all the time, but anyone who knows me, knows that animals (especially my own pets) are the most important thing in the world to me and that this would be a particularly difficult day. (Before someone makes a comment in their head, obvs my family are excluded from that statement as it goes without saying that I love them, so relax the cacks there.)

Anyways… Missy was 14 years old and she was still the most beautiful lady inside and out, even up until her last day. We got Missy when she was only 3 months old and Holy Mother of God, she was a head-case of a pup… An absolute dote with a heart of gold, but still a head-case. That’s a Springer Spaniel for you though…

Unfortunately, as she got older, her physical health let her down and she was on a rapid road to paralysis because of spinal problems. It would have been selfish of us to let her keep going in the pain she was in and pain-killers just weren’t cutting it. Believe me, we didn’t come to the decision lightly. I refused to speak about her health issues for a long time because I was in denial about the fact that my poor aul’ Miss was ‘getting old’ and she wasn’t in great shape anymore.

There are a few reasons I’ve chosen to write about this. Firstly, I think animals are an important part of many people’s lives and a lot of you will probably relate to this blog in some ways. Secondly; this is the most inspired I’ve been in a long time to write about something, so I have to get it out on ‘the page’ while the thoughts are flowing… and lastly; I need to write about this as a way to help myself cope with the loss, because I haven’t been able to deal with what happened and I know I haven’t dealt with it emotionally yet.

Over the past week, I’ve noticed a very significant change in my mood, thoughts, habits and my motivations. I’m quite an emotional person so I have a fair idea that this is my mind and body’s reaction to not having allowed myself to get upset yet, which is very unlike me.

Every time a thought of Missy comes into my head, my mind swipes it away before I get a chance to feel anything. It’s almost as if my mind is trying to ‘protect’ me from getting upset. I know the day will come that I won’t be able to avoid the sadness anymore and it will hit me like a tonne of bricks. A ticking time-bomb if you will…

I already feel an overwhelming sense of loss and I am completely heartbroken that she is gone. 14 out of nearly 25 years of my life she was with me and I will never get to spend another minute with her. It’s just too final and definite and I hate it.

I know there are some people who might read this and think “It’s just a dog” or “It’s not like a person died” and fair enough, I know she wasn’t a person, but she was just as important as one and she was family to me.

I was with her when she was put to sleep and although it was f*cking horrendous, I wanted to be there. I needed to know that she was comfortable when it happened. I will always know that the last thing she saw was someone who loved her very much and the last thing she heard was how much she would be missed. I held her head and I will never forget her face or the intense feeling of guilt I felt during those last few minutes, but I know it was the right thing to do.

It’s crazy the effect an animal can have on your life. Losing her has had an enormous impact on my emotions this week and as I sit here typing this, all I am thinking is how I don’t want to leave the house, see anyone or do anything and I haven’t felt like that in quite a while, but reality strikes, and one must go to work and get on with things anyway.

The funny thing is, whenever I would be at home and feel as sad as this, Missy would almost sense that you were in bad form and come over and sit on top of you to make you feel better in her own little way. What I would give to have that one more time. But instead, I have a cat (who has been named Derek) who just randomly wanders into the house from time-to-time curled up on my lap asleep and nobody even knows who owns him. You take what you can get I guess!

I may as well wrap this up because I am gasping for a cup of tea and I am sure this has been a bit of a depression session for anyone reading. I actually have a few more ideas for blogs stirring around in my brain at the minute so I am going to get on to those while the going is good because quite a bit has been happening lately. (Lucky ye!)

Yes, I feel a bit down in the dumps right now, but no, it won’t last forever and I want to get that point across. Sad things happen all the time and everyone has their own way of dealing with them. I just haven’t found my way of doing that yet, but I will and I know that I will feel a whole lot better then. You can come back from anything!

I hope some of you could relate to this post and that I didn’t sound like I was trying to have too much of a moan, because believe it or not, that wasn’t my intention!

So, to my beautiful dog Missy, I miss you, I love you and wherever you are now, that’s where I want to end up.

Well, that’s about the size of it now. I’ll be back very soon with an overwhelmingly hilarious blog post…

Yep. Aaany day now…

G’luck lads.

J x

IMG_0016
Missy x

 

 

 

Click here for free cake

Please read the following post at your own risk.

I can almost guarantee that it contains an absolute hape of sarcasm, exaggeration, sh*te-talk and some unintentional insults…. Well, kind of unintentional….

So, let me set the scene for you… It’s 3.27am on a Friday morning. I’m wide awake in bed with a dressing gown and hot water bottle, typing away in the pitch dark while listening to Michael Bublé’s song ‘Lost’ on YouTube….

Yes lads, it’s official. I’m f*ckin’ pathetic.

So, anyways. It has been well over two months since I’ve written anything and all I can say is even though a lot happened during that time; inspiration was at 0% so I hung up my aul’ writing cap for a while. (Just a figure of speech though. I don’t actually wear a cap when I write.)

*Note to self*: Buy cap.

So, in order to avoid boring the absolute hole off everyone, instead of writing paragraphs upon paragraphs about the past few months, I’m just going to do out a short time-line of events in chronological order… YAY!

Note: Other bits and bobs happened during these months but they’re kind of boring and long stories so I’ll just stick to the main points.

Right, let’s roll…

2nd of Sept ’17: I competed in my 2nd IPF competition in ABS Dublin.

3rd of Sept ’17: I packed up my sh*t to move to the South of France.

3rd of Sept ’17: Only like 3 people know about this because I was completely scatthered and mortified but sure I may as well just spill the beans now…

I may have missed my flight to France. (And to those of you who know me well… YES, YES, I KNOW I’M LATE TO EVERYTHING!) Anyway, I stayed in Dublin for one more night in the hope that I’d be let on the full flight the next day….

4th of Sept ’17: Got to the airport 7 hours early this time and made it to France. True story.

Sept ’17: Worked as an Au-pair and a barmaid and met some fantastic people in the pub I was working in.

Early Oct ’17: Still in France, getting fat due to eating pasta like there was a famine announced and not having time to pi*s never-mind go to the gym.

Late Oct ’17: Miserable, still getting fat, missing everybody at home, still wasn’t training, working all day everyday and still poor as f*ck.

Nov ’17: Finally grew a pair of temporary ‘cajones’ in order to tell the people I worked for that I was miserable and that I was leaving… No sooner said than done and I was out the gap…

and no, I didn’t miss my flight back to Ireland…

Nov ’17: I went back to work in the job I had before I left and I went back powerlifting and training for my next competition. Absolutely delighted to be back.

Dec ’17: I got a second job as a ‘childcare practitioner’ in a playschool in Athlone and I absolutely love it. (Yes, don’t worry, I promise I’m qualified to be around children.)

10th of Dec ’17: I competed in my 3rd IPF competition in City Gym in Limerick. We had a grand day out and it was a great aul’ day for the parish.

Mid Dec ’17: Christmas was approaching fast and my usual ‘HOLY JAYSIS I HAVE NOTHING BOUGHT’ anxiety started to kick in.

Christmas Eve ’17: For the safety of others, I made a promise to myself that I would never, ever, ever set foot in a shopping centre during a holiday season again…. Animals. They were like animals I tell ya.

Current Day: It is now 4.39am, I’m 580 words into this blog and I’m wondering why it has taken me over an hour to write this much… I suppose you can’t rush perfection.

(I know. I laughed too…)


 

Give or take a few ups and downs, that’s about the size of it now lads.

Fair enough, France didn’t work out for me for reasons that I didn’t really include above, but for my mental and physical health, it was time for me to come home.

Before I left Ireland to move to France, a very good friend of mine told me that for reasons that I might never know, I had to make the move and experience something different whether it was going to work out or not. I knew if I didn’t, I’d always regret it. She was dead right. I appreciate what I have at home now more than I ever did because I know how it felt not to have it for a while.

I also met some people there who I hope to know for the rest of my days and you can’t put a value on that. I also re-kindled my love for white wine while I was there, so there ya go… silver-lining!


 

So, it’s going to be 2018 in a couple of days and there’s one thing I want to do before I finish up here. (Yes, I’m nearly done.) I want to just name a few things I’m thankful for in 2017, because although personally it was quite a difficult year, I have many, many things that I am very grateful for. I know nobody asked to hear these, but I don’t give a sh*te, I’m going to tell ye anyways…

Right… On to the soppy sh*t:

Things I’m grateful for in 2017:

  1. Yes, it’s my family. Duh. I love them. Simple as that… and I may not always get to see them all very often, but I always know they’re there and that they love me, because well, they don’t really have a choice in the matter…
  2. My 2 dogs. If you know me, you’ll know that they are my world.
  3. My health. Well, when I say that now I mean I think I’m generally healthy, but I feel as though if I ran a mile in the shape I’m in right now, I’d probably die. No joke.
  4. Friends. I can honestly say that I would have been a very, very lost soul this year without the support of friends. Without going into the deets, just recently, someone who I met this year really screwed me over and it hurt me big-time. At the time I was up in a heap about it, but I snapped out of it fairly lively after I had the sense talked back into me by getting some genuine advice, being able to have a good aul’ rant about it and having the occasional shoulder to cry on! As clichéd and all as it sounds, tough times really do show you who is a genuine friend. I will never be able to thank them enough, but all I can say is that they have made my life a whole lot better since they’ve come into it. (Bloody hell, I am gone fierce sentimental in me auld age….)
  5. I don’t really know what to call this one but I just want to say that I’m grateful for the different positive changes and opportunities that 2017 brought me. Whether it be the jobs I’ve gotten or the moves I’ve made, it all brought along a lot of great people too, so looking back on the year, there were a lot of pros!
  6. This website and blog! I love writing and it gives me a great feeling when I hear that someone has enjoyed reading one of my posts, so thank you to anyone who has had the patience to read my annoyingly long blogs and I hope you continue to do so in 2018!

 

I know I have definitely left out some bullet points there but it’s now 5.35am and I’m starting to feel the burn of the laptop screen on my eyeballs… A sure sign that it’s time to wrap this shizz up I think.

I might write a new years resolution post in the next few days so…

…watch this space —->[________]

Until then… Have a fantastic end of 2017 and an even better beginning of 2018 folks.


 

….Wellll this is awkward… I wanted to write a really witty and clever closing paragraph to finish this off, but I’m actually knackered here and I’m just not able to come up with anything good right now…

I suppose I’ll just say bye so…

 

Bye so.

 

J.

 

 

The ‘D’ word

The following post is based on personal experiences and may contain mature themes…

(Bet you’re curious now…)

Sooo, I got lost driving around Mougins (Moo-zhan) today because I felt like too much of a dumbass to go back into the house to ask someone how to use the SatNav, so I just drove in a random direction, (as you do) and ended up turning back home again after 20 minutes… At least I got out for a nice spin anyway!

Oh yeah, guess what happened THEN; after a loooooonng day, I made myself a mug a tae, (Barry’s. None of your French sh*te), I put it on the coffee table while I went to get something in the kitchen and came back to find Rocco (the 5 month old Wolfhound X) slurping out of my mug of tea while dripping it all over my phone. Now, most people would flip, but all I could do was laugh at the poor shmuck and the big mustache of tea he had. Gas it was….. Ya had to be there I sh’pose.

I know nobody asked; but that was my day! Anyways… I am going to head down a totally different route with this blog, but I’ll try not to darken the mood too much so I’ll pop in an odd funny pic here and there… for example…

Change of plan…..

Ok, funny story (not really though), I tried finding a/an hilarious picture to put above here but I actually couldn’t find any good ones so instead of re-typing the last paragraph, I am just gonna tell ye now, I’m scrapping the whole pic thing this time ’round. It’s 50% the internet’s fault and 50% pure laziness on my part. Anyway, enough sh*te-talk. On to the blog…

The serious bit…

Right, well I’m sure you all know somebody who suffers with, or you yourself suffer with some sort of mental illness, whether it be depression, bi-polar disorder, general anxiety or whatever it may be. It’s becoming more and more common, but a lot of people are still uncomfortable talking about it because they might feel as if they will be treated differently because they have an illness or because they will be seen as ‘mental’.

Well, in this day and age, the only thing that’s ‘mental’ is that there are still some people out there who will make someone feel that way, but whatchyagonnado?…..(Bate them)…..Kidding……Kinda…

So anyway, I wanted to talk a little about my own experience with depression… DUN DUN DUNNNNNN… BUT Before I do, I just want to start by saying this; depression doesn’t make me more special than anyone else, it doesn’t make me feel like I’m more interesting, I didn’t ‘self-diagnose’ or ‘google diagnose’ myself and NO, I’m not looking for attention. Anyone who knows me, knows (or should know) that I am quite the opposite of an attention seeker and it would be a bit ridiculous to use something like that to get attention…. (Some people do it and it drives me f*cking bananas, but we’ll let them off… the big sad B*stards.)

So now that I’ve gotten that part out of the way… (Over 500 words in and I’m still sh*te talking…Jayyysissss.)

RIGHT. Drive on Joanne……DRIVE ON…

OK lads… There are probably two main reasons for this post; 1. I want to (hopefully) write something that a lot of you can relate to by talking about a ‘serious’ subject in a kind-of blunt or a more ‘human’ way than someone who uses big, intelligent words (unlike myself) and then 2. So I can use this post to maybe help myself and put what I deal with into words and use it as a bit of ‘literary therapy’. Oooh fawwncy.

On we go…..

Up until a few years ago, nothing felt out of the ordinary and occasionally I was just the normal amount of sad. Like for instance, when something bad happened or if I had a bad day then yeah, of course I’d be sad. So, in the past few years, things have completely changed and I realised that I was actually sad all of the time.

I have often tried, but it is very, very hard to put into words the feeling of it. It’s as if I had no control over my own head, thoughts, emotions or even my life.

One thing I can say is that I have never felt ashamed of this part of my life and nobody should. I don’t think it makes me or anyone else weird… It’s other crap that makes me weird, but I’ll leave that story for another time… (I know ye’re thinking; ‘Thank God!’)

So yeah, things kind of escalated from there and instead of just being sad all of the time, I didn’t even want to be awake or have to think anymore. I didn’t want to see any people, I didn’t want to get out of bed, dreaded communicating in general with anyone but at the same time, I hated my own company and didn’t want to be alone either. How can ya win?! For months and months I suffered with insomnia to the point where I actually dreaded when it would be nighttime because I knew what it meant…

It was as if I was in a battle with myself in my own head and it was draining the energy out of me. The simplest of tasks, like holding a conversation with someone seemed like a chore and I found myself becoming a pretty good actress at times just to remain ‘friendly’ or ‘normal’. Now don’t get me wrong, this has no reflection on anyone I was talking to, it was just that I didn’t feel capable of any natural social interaction without having to pretend that I was ‘as happy as Larry’ and all that… (Larry always seems to be havin’ a great time fair play to him.)

Over time, I’ve spoken to a few people about this before and I know it’s a common enough thing (what I just described above), but I can only speak for myself. I’m not an expert, I’m just talking about what I know from my own experience so don’t quote me on anything!

So anyway, at first, I hadn’t actually told anybody about what I was feeling because I couldn’t explain it. I found myself hating everything. I literally had a negative thought about everyone and everything and I was exhausted being in my own head. I honestly felt as if I was losing myself. I then thought that I was just a grumpy, cynical b*tch who hated the world (to be fair, I probably am one of those too), but now that I’ve seen my doctors, been diagnosed, found medication that works for me, I can finally see that I wasn’t myself at all.

Obviously medication isn’t the answer to everything and there is of course an answer for whatever ‘imbalance’ happens in the brain for these things to happen, but for now, I’m very, very, very thankful that I no longer feel the way I did before this 100% of the time. Because to be honest; it was f*cking awful. Of course I still have bad days or weeks with it, but I am feeling so much better than I was.

I suppose one thing that some of you could get out of reading this (assuming that someone reads this, ha) is that if you do feel as if you aren’t yourself or you’re ‘down’ or sad more often than not, there may very well be a simple solution. Whether it’s meds, counselling, meditation or whatever other options that you have to try; don’t settle for sadness… (I should trademark that…Quite catchy that one now.)

Although I am over a thousand words into this here, there is a lot I haven’t shared and it’s not because I don’t want to, it’s more that I don’t want to bore you all, unintentionally worry anyone or scare anyone away from reading my stuff because I’m seriously desperate for readers…. DON’T LEAVE!!!! Kidding, kidding……

But yeah, seriously though; in the very recent past, I have had some very, very dark days that I don’t plan on re-living, and I can honestly say that although I knew I had someone I could to talk to, at the time I (stupidly) had no desire to ask for help and I was 100% wrong by thinking that way.

God forbid I find myself in dark times again, I have to remember to ask the people who care about me for a hand back to ‘the other side’. (Sounds very dramatic, but ya know what I mean.)

Believe it, or believe it not; even if you are an absolute w*nker, I can guarantee you, there is someone who loves you and cares about you enough to help and talk to you when you need it. You’re needed more than you think. Ya hear me?!

(Jaysis, I am gone fierce sentimental in me auld age!)

 

The conclusion:

Moral of the story;

  1. You’re not crazy
  2. Depression is super common so don’t be afraid of it
  3. You’re not special (no offence, but none of us are…..aww maaan…)
  4. Even if you’re a d*ckhead, help is always there when you need it
  5. You should ‘like’ this blog on Facebook ’cause I need the publicity (just trying to lighten the mood there)
  6. Find what works for you in terms of help. Just because meds work for me, does not mean they are for everyone. Even I know they are only a temporary solution
  7. Don’t settle for sadness.

Ah would ya look at that, a list of 7; me fave number!

I hope I didn’t bore you all with my rambling and I also hope that at least one person may have related to some part of this. At the end of the day, I’m just one person sharing a personal experience; I’m not a doctor or an expert.

I’ll be back next time with something hilarious to balance things out again!

 

Until then…

Try to be good, be nice and be happy.

 

J.