You know you’re house-sharing…

Holy-Mary-Mother of God. It has been almost a year since I’ve written a blog. Where did 2019 go at all, at all? I’ve done a few short pieces on social media every so often and 2 ‘challenge’ videos, but I don’t count those as blogs. So, here I am, on the 1st of December, making an attempt at writing something entertaining for the first time in 11 months or so. This should be interesting… or disastrous.

I thought that maybe a ‘list’ style blog would be best to ease myself back in and also make this a bit shorter to read than my usual essay-shtyle ones.

So this is the shtory…

…in the last month, I’ve moved home to Mayo after living in Athlone for over 8 years. (Story for another day.)

Anyways, I was living in shared accommodation for pretty much all of those 8 years and usually lived with 3 other people, so when I moved home, it got me to thinking about the differences between living with a few people who were initially ‘strangers’ and now living back at home again. Most of us have experienced both, so hopefully you can all relate to some of my own personal experiences!… and for the record, I mean no offence to anyone in the list below. It’s just a compilation of observations from all the places I’ve lived…So, without further doo-doo, let’s get this show on the road…

You know you’re house-sharing…


1- Unless you’re expecting a takeaway, you do not, under any circumstances, answer the door to anybody. (Could be the po-po, the T.V licence w*nker or worse: the landlord.)

2- When your milk starts to mysteriously go missing, you must demonstrate a game of Tetris with your food in the fridge in order to hide your beloved carton of milk in the back corner. (Sorry, but tea is too important to ever risk being left milk-less.)

3- Cutlery doesn’t exist. It’s a myth and you may as well just get used to eating everything with your hands.

4- Rule No.1: Never, ever, EVER leave your favourite mug in a communal area. Some f*cker WILL take it, break it… and then it’s gone. Foreverrrrr… (Top tip there.)

5- You might think you’ve just cleaned the kitchen, but really it’s just an illusion and if you blink twice, it will have magically transformed back into the bomb-site it previously was. Some real voodoo sh*t right there.

6- It’s true what they say; you really don’t know someone until you’ve lived with them. (Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes absolutely f*ckin’ chronic…)

7- Even the smallest person can resemble the sound of a herd of rhinos doing River-dance on the floor above yours. My suggestion: Earplugs… Or a headbutt. (Either works.)

8- You somehow have to fit everything you’ve ever owned in a very average-sized bedroom. The saying: “Not able to swing a cat” comes to mind.

9- You roam the house in P.Js, a dressing gown, 2 blankets, fluffy socks, slippers and a hot-water bottle strapped to your waist in the attempt to further postpone buying a tank of oil. (It didn’t work. We had to get oil.)

10- For some unknown reason, the oven and microwave take twice as long to cook things as they do back in your home-house. (First-world probs.)

11- The kitchen bin is not a bin, it’s actually a game of “How high can we stack this sh*t up before muggins (me) empties it and puts in a new one?” Srsly. Not cool.

12- You can run, you can hide, but you can not have a conversation without everyone in the house, the neighbours and yer-man up the road hearing you.

13- Sleep-in? Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. No.

14- People’s untidiness and inability to clean gives you actual heart-palps and anxiety on the daily. Y u do dis?

15- Your housemates see you looking your ugliest more than anyone else does. Sincerest apologies for that. I’ll send a card.

16- You can identify who’s cooking by the smell of the food in the house. Garlic? Yep, know who that is.

17- If a light goes, say your goodbyes. It’s gone and nobody’s bringing it back. RIP.

18- Thanks to the lack of an electric shower and a dodgy immersion, you’ve had to take more cold showers than a hormonal teenage boy. (Never gets easier.)

19- You’re delighted with yourself because you’ve gotten paid, you’re planning a night out and you have some money left-over after paying your bills, but then BOOM: Rent’s due, day ruined.

20- Although it’s painfully awkward, you feel the need to say ‘hey’ to your housemate every single time you see or pass by them in the house. (Even if it’s 16 times. Yes, 16. Awkward. Painful encounters.)

21- No matter whether you’re male or female, there’s always a ‘Mammy’ of the house… and if you don’t know who it is, then it’s you. Mammy.

22- You picture the landlord/lady as a dangerous mythical creature that will come and murder you in the middle of the night if you break, dirty, scratch or move anything in the house… Just me? Ok, just me.

23- You’re forced to take on extra adult responsibilities like paying bills, buying oil, calling electricity companies to find out what DAFUCK is going on and you don’t like it. You don’t like it one damn bit.


Well there it is, just some of my experiences from house-sharing. I squeezed my brain dry trying to think of those ones tonight, I must be out of practice. This thinking business is getting hard.

If you’ve got some of your own ones, comment or holler them at me in a message, I’d love to hear them. Sarcasm and dark humour always welcomed with open arms.

I must say, it was nice to be back writing a little bit. I missed it and I’ll hopefully have a brain-wave rather than a brain-fart soon and get the words flowing again.

Alrighty then, thanks for reading and I hope someone enjoyed it!…Someone? Anyone? No? K.

Over & out.

J.

The 2018 Poem

Warning: If you don’t like poems, you won’t like this post, because: DUN DUN DUNNN; it has a poem.

It’s a cool poem though… I promise… So keep reading…


 

Well, how is everyone doing?

Enter answer here –>______________

Just kidding, you can’t do that. Sorry. That would have been cool…

Anyways, I haven’t written since August. I have no excuse really, just the usual rubbish of  being busy working, the lack of motivation and avoiding the effort of taking the laptop out of the bag and all that kind of thing. See, no excuses whatsoever…

So, back in November, I had an idea to compile a recap of 2018 into a poem. (AS ya do.)

Why, you might ask? God and his mother only knows why. Ah no, I do have a reason…

Anyone who has read any of my other posts will know that; I usually ramble on for ages and ages (sorry) when I’m writing about a long period of time (like a year for example) and I usually find it hard to squeeze in all the info I want to include. There’s also that struggle of trying to make it somewhat entertaining (it does take some effort ya know) and so, to try and avoid the rambling, I figured it would be a whole lot easier to do a poem-style ‘summary’ if you will, and write one ‘verse’ for each month of 2018.

It’s kind of a summary of world news from the year and some things I did in 2018 too… Which, to be fair; was f*ck all! But sure look, who doesn’t love an aul’ poem! (Don’t answer that…)

Before I let ye go to read the poem, I just want to say something real quick about my overall experience of 2018 and what I’m taking from it. I know ye didn’t ask, but tough tiddies, I’m tellin’ ye anyways…

At the risk of being a cliché, 2018 was a year of many ups and downs for me. Yes, some good things happened, I think I met a few new people… genuinely don’t know if I did or not but I’m not very sociable so I wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t, but anyways… I spent time with people I love, I visited Germany for the first time, I went to 3 or 4 concerts and I was recently offered a new job too… (I start later on this month…but that’s a story for another day…)

So, without going into details, I’ve decided that my main goals for 2019 are going to focus on benefiting my mental and emotional health. So, instead of complaining about the problem, I’m just making note of this;

To those people who made 2018 a whole lot more difficult for me than it should have been; you won’t have a role in my 2019. Soz huns. (They’re totes not even reading this but it’s the thought that counts… right?)

I’m sure a few of you feel the same way about some people in your lives too, so a bit of distance is no harm!

Right, that’s the end of that. On a lighter note, let’s get poetic up in here…

(I think ye’ll get the ‘tune’ of the poem after the first few lines so it should get easier to read…)

Enjoy…


The 2018 Poem

 

Oh January, you hoor of a month. It could never end too soon.

I started in a brand new job and there was a bit of a ‘Supermoon’.

I think I went to Jump Lanes too and almost flattened a kid. (Accident)

I checked my Snapchat memories for this, to find out what I did.

(Well, at least the first four lines rhymed, let’s kape it going.)

 

February, I can’t really recall, what happened during you?

I think the Winter Olympics were on and sh*te aul’ Valentine’s too.

Back then, I was always in the gym, liftin’ this and that.

But now, I kind of ‘forget’ to go, because I’m a lazy twat. (100% a lazy twat.)

 

March, March, were you the month, when we had all the snow?

We got a good few days off work and built quarter of an igloo ya know? (We really tried.)

I started minding two little boys, every so often too.

The two of them are just the best and they actually think I’m cool.

(Only took 25 years for someone to think I’m cool. Go me.)

 

Oh April, the month that broke my heart, we lost our beautiful dog Missy.

I’ll never forget that Saturday, not even when I’m busy.

For fourteen years you made me happier, than anything – no question.

I love you and I miss you Petal, I’ll see you someday in heaven.

 

So May, let’s lighten sh*t up a bit, I went to see Ed Sheeran.

Fair play to him, he has the talent, I’m glad I got to see him.

The Eurovision, a wedding of Royals and all that fancy cr*p,

We repealed the 8th amendment and that’s all I’ll say on that.

 

Hey there June, my birthday month, I turned the big 25.

In other news, Saudi Arabia; finally allowed their women to drive.

I went to ‘Summer in the City’ and saw a few aul’ daycent bands.

Finally! We got to break from school, oh sh*t – I had no plans.

 

Oh my, July – what have we here, a total eclipse of the moon.

They found a lake on Mars and we’re having a heatwave too.

Holy Moses the heat was chronic, I was melting inside and out.

Global warming can kiss me hole, we were headed for a drought.

 

August fell and I knew well, ’twas my last month of freedom.

I did f*ck all and so I called some friends and went to see them.

I did some work for my friend’s dad, just now I can remember.

A family wedding, a new tattoo and *poof*, it was September.

 

…and as we know, what Green Day say; wake me up when it ends.

September came, all work no play, back to school and no sleeping in. (Dammit.)

Well, Dag Nabbit, I bought me a rabbit, she’s as cute as a button too.

I called her Heidi and to put it mildly; my Heidi ain’t no fool. (Mmm, Hmm.)

 

October hi, oh you flew by, what happened? Let me see…

Michael D. in for a second term and a holiday for me.

Cologne was nice, I’d go again, but the people are proper w*nkers. (No offence.)

Canada legalised the use of cannabis, hooray for all the stoners!

 

November’s the month that I got the idea, to write this little rhyme.

It sounded easier in my head and ’twas a good idea at the time. (Idiot.)

Actually, now that I think of it, I was away for some of this month too.

I saw Kodaline in concert, they were amazing… something, shoe?

(Blanked on that rhyme there, sorry.)

 

December, December, how is it goin’? All hell starts to break loose.

What is it about this month that makes me want to become a recluse?

Work was hectic, me head was fried, my good friend moved to Australia 😦

Christmas came and went so fast, ya barely knew what hit ya.

 

This verse is last, I’ll make it quick, a bit late for that says you.

I’m really hoping this New Year brings good news and people too.

So, YES I’m done, I’m finally done, I’m b*llocksed writing this.

Happy New Year to you and yours. Goodbye, Good luck & God Bless.

 

J. x

 


 

A pain in the hole…

*The purpose of this particular blog is basically for me to get a load of crap off my chest. (Not literal crap but, figurative crap.)*


Well people, how are we? It’s been a while but, I’m back. Just been working away like a busy bee, but I missed writing so I popped the finger out and got back to it.

I don’t have my laptop with me so I’m currently typing this into the notes on my phone. You work with what ya got!

So, it’s 5 in the morning, I can’t sleep and I have a story in my mind that in my opinion, needs to be told. (For my sake though, not yere’s… sorry.) Just recently I found out some enlightening info from a friend that compelled me to finally write this blog. To be honest, I had let something go that happened a while back up until finding out this new information… but there’s only so far one can be pushed and so you could say I’ve been ‘pushed’ to write this.

Because of the nature of this sitch-ee-ay-shin, I decided to write the story in the third person so that it didn’t sound like it was me just having an aul’ rant and a moan… (wouldn’t be like me!)

Before we get going here, I’ll just start it off for y’all. (I hope ye have some food nearby too because this is a long one…) 

Like I’ve done before, I’m writing this to help myself deal with a sh*t tonne of anxiety that one person from my past has brought upon me. I feel like I have no other way of expressing myself about it all and if I don’t write this, I might just explode one of these days. So here’s my story… It’s not riveting, it’s not exciting, but it is honest and 100% true… and the boring ol’ truth is all I’ve got for ye today folks I’m afraid…

**Other than the character’s names used, everything else in the following story is 100% true and is written from my own personal experience.**

Here we go…

Once upon a time…

…There was a girl named Jane Doe who worked behind the bar in a nightclub. Jane Doe enjoyed working in the nightclub as she got along well with everybody and it was a good place to work overall. After a couple of months, Jane Doe moved to France for two months to work as an au-pair. To put it bluntly, Jane was having a sh*te time of it in France so she moved back home and went to work in the nightclub again.

However, there were a few new members of staff who had recently started. Jane Doe was told by a few people that one of the new staff members was a ‘super nice guy’, in fact, one of the comments made was that he was perhaps ‘too nice’. (Too good to be true you might say? You bet your hole it was.)

So then, after a week or so, Jane Doe began talking to this new guy every so often and you could say that there may have been some flirting or some sort of awkward communication between them anyways. They started to get along quite well and he did seem ‘super nice’ like people had said. 

This super nice guy’s name was; Dill Doe. Yes; Dill Doe.

Dill Doe and Jane Doe started seeing each other. In fact, they saw each other almost all day, every day for 3 or 4 weeks. After a week or so, Jane Doe started to notice that some of the things that Dill Doe was telling her weren’t really adding up. For instance; Dill Doe told Jane that he had left an engineering job that paid him €1000 a week so that he could go and work as a part-time bar tender in the nightclub instead and be paid just above minimum wage. BUT apparently, the engineering company were BEGGING for Dill Doe to come back and work for them because of how much of an asset he was, but he decided he preferred to be poor. (Oh yes, because that made total f*cking sense.) 

Anyways…. Jane Doe found a lot of Dill Doe’s stories hard to believe… and it only became worse. Everything and anything was a lie. Even the smallest things he would say were an obvious lie and it was exhausting. Why was he like this? 

Jane Doe told a few of her friends that she was seeing him and it turned out that 3 or 4 of them knew who he was from back when they were in college too. Jane Doe’s friends told her how full of sh*t he was back then too and that all he did was tell lies, but nobody could understand why he did it.

Jane Doe took note of all of this, but because she still liked him a bit, she gave him the benefit of the doubt and said nothing to him. (Jane, you tit.)

Jane Doe and Dill Doe were practically living in each other’s pockets at this stage. They were working together, spending every day together and sharing lots and lots of ‘stories’.

Jane Doe told Dill Doe several difficult stories from her past that not many people knew about her. At the time, Jane Doe trusted him enough to tell him these things because he had told her many times that in his eyes; ‘all women should be treated like queens’ and so she fell for his ‘sweetness’… (PUKE.)

One day, while Jane Doe was getting ready for work, she saw Dill Doe take a Snapchat of himself, write a long message and send it to someone. Jane, admittedly being a nosey b*tch, asked Dill Doe who he was snap chatting but, Dill Doe replied; ‘nobody’. 

Now, Jane Doe may have been a nosey b*tch, but she wasn’t a dumb b*tch, so she continued to ask Dill Doe for the truth, knowing that he was lying. After repeatedly denying talking to anyone on Snapchat, Jane asked Dill Doe to prove it by showing her his phone. Then, he did show her, and KEL-SUPREEZ, he HAD in fact sent a Snapchat to someone and low-and-behold, it happened to be to the same girl he had recently been constantly messaging, flirting with and ‘helping’ to get a job in the same nightclub he and Jane worked in. (Such a helpful and caring guy….) And would ya believe, this girl just so happened to be VERY attractive and single… but of course, he had ‘no interest in her.’ Even Stevie Wonder could tell that she was unreal looking so Dill Doe was very obviously full of sheeeeeet.

At this stage, Jane didn’t give two hoots about Dill Doe messaging anybody, she just hated that he had lied and that he was constantly lying throughout their whole time together. It was all becoming clearer and she was getting a tad bit p*ssed off now.

So, after a good 20 minutes of Dill Doe denying that he was snap chatting anybody, (although it was RIGHT THERE on his phone in front of them both), Jane started packing all of her stuff and left the house after having the realization that this boy; Dill Doe, never was and never would be an honest or trustworthy person and in fact, if she hadn’t given him the benefit of the doubt so often, she would have copped on to that fact much earlier on. (I repeat; Jane, you tit.)

Unfortunately for Jane, both her and Dill Doe were down on the rota for working in the nightclub that night. Jane was too angry to look at him, so she chose to pretend that he didn’t even exist when she went into work.

Like most workplaces, almost everyone else who worked in the nightclub knew that Jane Doe and Dill Doe were a ‘thing’ and so it was inevitable that it would soon become awkward and more difficult for both of them to work in the same place.

Jane was asked what had happened by some of their co-workers and so she told them the truth and that she chose to leave because of the lies. Unlike Dill Doe, she knew how to tell the truth and practiced it quite frequently. 

During the next week, Dill Doe messaged Jane, still maintaining his innocence and he told her how upset he was that it was over and how he cried himself to sleep after she had left him that evening. Jane didn’t know how this was even possible, seeing as he was working that same night in the same place as her and it would have been impossible for him to have been working AND at home crying like he had said. Wow, he must have had the gift of bi-location!

Jane still couldn’t talk to Dill Doe at work and although she hated what he had done, she still liked him a bit. (Jane, what the actual f*ck?)

Then, Jane was talking to some of their co-workers and she found out that Dill Doe had gone and ‘shifted the face’ off one of the girls who worked upstairs in the hotel above the nightclub. Jane also found out that Dill Doe had told everyone that he had in fact ‘kicked Jane out of his house’ that night, and that it wasn’t her that had left at all.

As you can imagine, Jane wasn’t a happy bunny. In fact, Jane was a very, very angry bunny. However, there was nothing she could do. At this stage, she had to just go into work, ignore Dill Doe and deal with the fact that he had moved on from her very quickly and was now telling lies about her to her co-workers. It soon became a difficult place for Jane to work and she just hated everything. Work wasn’t fun anymore, she was paranoid that people were believing the lies and she was also upset that she fell for a complete b*llocks.

Jane couldn’t take it anymore. She was miserable at the thought of going to work. So, Jane then decided to arrange a time to speak with Dill Doe in person, in order to ask him about what she had heard and to try and settle her head. They met each other and as you can imagine, Dill Doe denied ever saying anything about Jane to any co-worker. He also said that someone ‘pushed’ him into that girl that he was ‘shifting the face off’ and that he didn’t even mean to do it. (Oh yes, because people just walk around with their eyes closed and their mouths open.)

Dill Doe also told Jane that he wanted her back and that everything that she had heard was a complete lie. However, Jane knew better now and said no… and finally, Jane had lost all feelings for Dill Doe. All she felt now was resent.

After this, Jane decided that it was best to try and leave it all behind and have a civil ‘work relationship’ with Dill Doe for the sake of her job…

After a couple of weeks, it came to Jane and a few other staff members’ attention that back in December, while Dill Doe and Jane were still seeing each other, he was messaging a girl who was 7 years younger than him and he had been asking her on a ‘date’. One of the other employees in the nightclub was good friends with this said girl, therefore they could confirm this all to be true. (Jane was flippin’.)

…but sure wouldn’t you know it, Dill Doe denied it all to Jane once again and he said she was 100% wrong… Despite the fact that on several occasions after that, Dill Doe and that girl were in the nightclub drinking together in front of Jane while stuck to each other like sh*t to a blanket… but no, of course Jane was wrong about it all…

So it turned out that Dill Doe was in fact messaging two girls while seeing Jane and planning dates with one of them too… the plot thickened, but Jane’s patience was wearing thin…

…fast forward a few months. (I’m sure ye are all thinking hurry up to f*ck!)

Jane began to go out with one of the supervisors in the hotel above the nightclub. While she was out on a mystery tour with the nightclub staff, Dill Doe made his way over to Jane and asked if he could talk to her. She refused at first as she had no time for him anymore. He kept asking and she eventually gave in, in order not to cause a scene. Dill Doe started to talk absolute bullsh*t to Jane as per usual and was trying to get her to talk to him again. He also started to make comments about her new boyfriend that he now worked with in that bar too and began to tell very obvious lies about him in order to cause issues between Jane and her new man. Jane was quite used to this routine and just nodded her head and smiled. She told Dill Doe that things were ‘all fine’ now and agreed to be on good terms with him so that there would be no awkwardness at work. Jane had no intention of being Dill Doe’s friend again. She just wanted him to go away now… for good.

…Fast forward another few months (See, I told you it was a long one.)

Along with working in the nightclub, Dill Doe had also started working in the bar in the hotel upstairs with Jane’s new boyfriend and also Sally; the girl Dill Doe had ‘shifted the face off’ a few days after Jane ended things with him. 

Little did Dill Doe know that after a while, Jane became friends with Sally and a few members of staff in the hotel and she was informed of a few things that he had been telling the staff in the bar. Dill Doe said that ‘Jane is crazy. She threw pint bottles across the counter at customers down in the nightclub while she was working.’ 

Dill Doe also warned Sally that if she set foot in the nightclub, ‘Jane will throw pint bottles at you if you go down to the nightclub when she’s working there ’cause she’s crazy.’ He also told Sally that they couldn’t be together because apparently ‘Jane would get angry, stop them and throw something at her.’

Jane found this quite interesting seeing as she was now seeing another lad who she was happy with and had no interest in what Dill Doe did in any part of his life including his love life. It was also quite funny because it was complete and utter bullsh*t.

When Jane found out that Dill Doe had told more lies about her, she also found out that everyone initially believed these lies and actually did think she was crazy because they didn’t know her yet and believed what was said. She became fairly bloody thick now. In fact, her anxiety hit the roof and all those months she spent trying to forget the whole thing seemed to have been reversed instantly. 

All Jane kept thinking was; ‘how f*cking dare a 24 year old, lying little sh*t treat her that way, constantly tell her lies, betray her trust on several occasions, go behind her back with 2 girls and then tarnish her name by making up lies about her too so that nobody would like her.’ What had she done to deserve this?!

Jane didn’t know what to do. Her first instinct was to message him an angry text but, she knew it wouldn’t make a difference to him or how she felt, so she didn’t.

However, as a hobby, Jane liked to write blogs online in order to help get words and feelings out on a ‘page’ and sometimes, some people would even read them!… So, she decided she would write a blog on her less than satisfying experience with Dill Doe… and so that’s what she did…

…and so here we are!

The End… (Hopefully.)

So yeah, I know; it could have been a lot worse… But it was pretty sh*t while it was happening and affected me quite a bit. On the scale of things, this was a dot on the map, but unfortunately I’m a soft b*stard and took it all personally as per usual… (Guilty!)

I still don’t know why he did the things he did, or why he thought I deserved to be hurt and treated like that… and I’ll probably never know!

…but I bet anyone reading this can relate to at least one instance in their life when they were hurt by someone they should not have fallen for when they didn’t deserve it.

But yeah, enough moaning now! I just felt the need to get it all out of my head and write it all down. It has already taken up way too much of my time so this is my way of drawing a line under it… and it’s a free country so ya know what; A public blog is the way I thought best to do it!

I hope this was relatable! Our stories may differ but, let’s be honest, we’ve all had a Dill Doe…

J.

That Saturday…

Warning: The following blog may contain some feels. Sh*t gets real. Like, really real.

 

I almost had to blow dust and cobwebs off the laptop keyboard it’s been that long since I’ve written anything. It has been a hectic few months because of work mostly, so I genuinely didn’t get much of a chance to write something decent. Believe it or not, I don’t like throwing up any aul’ crap on to my blog. (Yes, I know what you’re thinking; “This has really been her best stuff?”).

You could also say I was suffering from a slight case of ‘writer’s block’ as I wasn’t feeling at all inspired… until now.

Before I start, I just want to warn you that this isn’t going to be like my usual blog posts. I’m not writing this with the purpose of entertaining anyone, but I am writing it as a form of ‘literary therapy’ for myself. (I know, how selfish of me). So, don’t be surprised if I get a bit morbid and soppy, but I’ll keep it short. (Who am I kidding, we all know I’m going to ramble on…)

So, here’s the shtory, albeit a sad one… Exactly 8 days ago, it was Saturday the 7th of April and myself and my mother had to bring our older dog Missy to the vet to be put to sleep. Now I know for most people this isn’t an easy or pleasant task and it happens all the time, but anyone who knows me, knows that animals (especially my own pets) are the most important thing in the world to me and that this would be a particularly difficult day. (Before someone makes a comment in their head, obvs my family are excluded from that statement as it goes without saying that I love them, so relax the cacks there.)

Anyways… Missy was 14 years old and she was still the most beautiful lady inside and out, even up until her last day. We got Missy when she was only 3 months old and Holy Mother of God, she was a head-case of a pup… An absolute dote with a heart of gold, but still a head-case. That’s a Springer Spaniel for you though…

Unfortunately, as she got older, her physical health let her down and she was on a rapid road to paralysis because of spinal problems. It would have been selfish of us to let her keep going in the pain she was in and pain-killers just weren’t cutting it. Believe me, we didn’t come to the decision lightly. I refused to speak about her health issues for a long time because I was in denial about the fact that my poor aul’ Miss was ‘getting old’ and she wasn’t in great shape anymore.

There are a few reasons I’ve chosen to write about this. Firstly, I think animals are an important part of many people’s lives and a lot of you will probably relate to this blog in some ways. Secondly; this is the most inspired I’ve been in a long time to write about something, so I have to get it out on ‘the page’ while the thoughts are flowing… and lastly; I need to write about this as a way to help myself cope with the loss, because I haven’t been able to deal with what happened and I know I haven’t dealt with it emotionally yet.

Over the past week, I’ve noticed a very significant change in my mood, thoughts, habits and my motivations. I’m quite an emotional person so I have a fair idea that this is my mind and body’s reaction to not having allowed myself to get upset yet, which is very unlike me.

Every time a thought of Missy comes into my head, my mind swipes it away before I get a chance to feel anything. It’s almost as if my mind is trying to ‘protect’ me from getting upset. I know the day will come that I won’t be able to avoid the sadness anymore and it will hit me like a tonne of bricks. A ticking time-bomb if you will…

I already feel an overwhelming sense of loss and I am completely heartbroken that she is gone. 14 out of nearly 25 years of my life she was with me and I will never get to spend another minute with her. It’s just too final and definite and I hate it.

I know there are some people who might read this and think “It’s just a dog” or “It’s not like a person died” and fair enough, I know she wasn’t a person, but she was just as important as one and she was family to me.

I was with her when she was put to sleep and although it was f*cking horrendous, I wanted to be there. I needed to know that she was comfortable when it happened. I will always know that the last thing she saw was someone who loved her very much and the last thing she heard was how much she would be missed. I held her head and I will never forget her face or the intense feeling of guilt I felt during those last few minutes, but I know it was the right thing to do.

It’s crazy the effect an animal can have on your life. Losing her has had an enormous impact on my emotions this week and as I sit here typing this, all I am thinking is how I don’t want to leave the house, see anyone or do anything and I haven’t felt like that in quite a while, but reality strikes, and one must go to work and get on with things anyway.

The funny thing is, whenever I would be at home and feel as sad as this, Missy would almost sense that you were in bad form and come over and sit on top of you to make you feel better in her own little way. What I would give to have that one more time. But instead, I have a cat (who has been named Derek) who just randomly wanders into the house from time-to-time curled up on my lap asleep and nobody even knows who owns him. You take what you can get I guess!

I may as well wrap this up because I am gasping for a cup of tea and I am sure this has been a bit of a depression session for anyone reading. I actually have a few more ideas for blogs stirring around in my brain at the minute so I am going to get on to those while the going is good because quite a bit has been happening lately. (Lucky ye!)

Yes, I feel a bit down in the dumps right now, but no, it won’t last forever and I want to get that point across. Sad things happen all the time and everyone has their own way of dealing with them. I just haven’t found my way of doing that yet, but I will and I know that I will feel a whole lot better then. You can come back from anything!

I hope some of you could relate to this post and that I didn’t sound like I was trying to have too much of a moan, because believe it or not, that wasn’t my intention!

So, to my beautiful dog Missy, I miss you, I love you and wherever you are now, that’s where I want to end up.

Well, that’s about the size of it now. I’ll be back very soon with an overwhelmingly hilarious blog post…

Yep. Aaany day now…

G’luck lads.

J x

IMG_0016
Missy x

 

 

 

TV Shows described in 5 words

The following post is based on my own personal opinions and impressions of several TV shows that I have watched over the years. It is not meant as a review so don’t come cryin’ to me if you don’t like how I’ve described the shows. That is all.

 

This post was written for the following reasons:

  1. The Craic.

 


 

So yeah, there I was earlier today, working away on a new blog when I picked up my phone and went into my ‘notes’ for some unknown reason. To my delight, my most recent note to myself was one with the title: “Describe TV shows in 5 words” and I thought ‘Thank you Jesus” because I had hit a serious road-block with the other post and I was glad to work on something else.

You see, I’m always wide awake at night and I’m more like a flaming thorn-bush of hatred in the mornings, so I do my best thinking at night. I do often make a note of ideas I have for writing about and so Bob’s your uncle and all that; here we are!

So yeah, that’s what I’m gonna do! Wellll, when I say describe, I mean it more like; ‘The 5 words that come to mind when I think of this TV show’ kind of thing…. If ya get me.

As I said above, there is no real reason behind this blog. I just think it will be a fun challenge for me and MAAAYYYBEE someone might get a laugh out of it.

If not… I’ll just delete the website and never write again………. Too dramatic? Thought so!

Let’s get on with it then…

…and Don’t worry, there is no need for a ‘Spoiler Alert’. I don’t really give much away in my descriptions so you don’t have to read this with one eye closed.

TV Shows described in 5 words:

 

1. Orange is the New Black: Lesbian prisoners sell their knickers.

 

2. Daredevil: Blind superhero can’t see sh*t.

 

3. Once upon a time: Fairy-tale characters high on acid.

 

4. How to get away with murder: Alcoholic lawyer teaches ‘yuppy’ f*ckers.

 

5. Homeland: Crazy blonde b*tch catches terrorists.

 

6. Pretty little liars: Dead girl isn’t actually dead OR Five gobsh*tes do stupid sh*t.

 

7. Breaking Bad: Dying teacher cooks unreal meth.

 

8. House of cards: Dodgy politician climbs Washington’s ladder.

 

9. Grey’s Anatomy: Unluckiest hospital in the world.

 

10. The 100: Teenagers f*ck up earth again.

 

11. The Walking Dead: Zombies left, right and centre.

 

12. Game of Thrones: (Never watched this but I’m gonna give it a go using what I        have heard.) Land, murder, dragons and ridin’. (How did I do?!)

 

13. Dexter: Introvert ‘gets off’ on killing.

 

14. American Horror Story: Your nightmares in a nutshell.

 

15. True Blood: Vampires ride and eat everyone.

 

16. Stranger Things: 80’s kids search for friend OR Bald kid gets nose bleeds.

 

17. American Vandal: Student paints d*cks on cars. (That’s supposed to be an ‘i’ not a ‘u’ by the way….)

 

18. The Big Bang Theory: Five nerds and two blondes OR Science, hot beverages and knocking.

 

19. 13 Reasons Why: Girl records reasons friends suck.

 

20. The Killing: Cynical ginger woman solves murders.

 

21. Scandal: President bangs his communications director.

 

22. The Good Wife: Cheating lawyers defend dodgy b*stards.

 

23. Glee: High School Musical on steroids.

 

24. The Flash: Fast lad does cool sh*t.

 

25. That’s so Raven: Psychic teenager makes stupid faces.

 

26. Powerpuff Girls: Three psycho b*tches fight crime.

 

27. Scream Queens: Idiots murdered one by one.

 

28. Lost: What the f*ck’s going on?

 

29. Keeping up with the Kardashians: Absolute gobsh*tes doing absolutely nathin’.

 

30. Nashville: Sex, drugs and Country music.

 

To be continued…


 

Aw lads I’m knackered trying to think of more shows that I’ve watched, so I’m gonna leave her there for now. Feel free to comment any that you come up with yourselves. I’d love to hear them!

I’m working on two other blogs at the minute (try and contain the excitement now), but I don’t want to publish them too soon. You know what they say; nothing worse than premature publication right?! Ay ay?! (I’ll see myself out….)

Anyhoo, that’s it… I’ll hopefully get to post again this weekend with some amaaaaazingly funny shtuff, so until then…

 

Have a great week & be good.

 

J.

 

A list of Sh*t I hate

The opinions expressed in the following post are personal and are not intended to offend or upset anyone. However, if this does occur; please pick up the nearest phone and call someone who cares.

Kidding, kidding…

For anyone who is reading this and hasn’t ever read any of my other stuff, I’m warning you now; I am very, very sarcastic. Not mean. Just very sarcastic… (ok maybe a bit mean but, meh…)

Now that we’ve that cleared up, I’ll get into the good stuff… (yes, it does get better than this.)

I’ve spent the last few days compiling a list of ‘sh*t I hate’ and just making note of it in my phone and surprise, surprise; I hate a lot of sh*t. I don’t want to seem like a super moany b*tch, but I just thought it would be fun to make a list and see if other people hate the same things that I do. Super fun right?!

I might follow-up this post with a list of ‘sh*t I love’, but that might be a bit too soppy so I’ll see about that one…

*Side note: I am aware that there are ACTUAL problems in the world and that most of the things on this list are pathetically petty, but it’s just for entertainment purposes, so chill the beans…

Right so, without further doo-doo, I present to you; the list…

Sh*t I hate:

In no particular order…

  1. When I burn my tongue on the first sip of tea. My day is genuinely ruined when this happens.

 

2. When I accidentally rip the cardboard tab at the top of the cereal box. WHY can’t I do anything right?

 

3. When I order food WITHOUT salad/grass on the plate and the food comes WITH salad/grass on the plate… Do I need to write it down for ya’ll?

 

4. General talking on the phone but especially having to call people to make appointments… I’ve to have a script done out or I panic and hang-up before they answer.

 

5. Wearing a sock with a hole.

 

6. Wearing 2 socks with 2 holes.

 

7. Salad.

 

8. Sh*te WiFi. I would genuinely rather no WiFi at all.

 

9. Ketchup in general is offensive and I strongly feel as if it should be banned from public places. Just sayin’.

 

10. Big groups of insects. They may be small, but they creep me out when they’re in gangs.

 

11. Hand dryers in public bathrooms. Could they BE any louder?

 

12. Burps. Can’t cope with them. Absolute pet hate of mine.

 

13. Not being able to eat bread for breakfast, lunch and dinner without becoming a chunky monkey.

 

14. When I go into a supermarket for 1 item and there is ALWAYS someone standing right in front of the shelf I need to look at… Every. Single. Time.

 

15. I spill my tea on myself at LEAST once a day without fail. Seriously considering using a sippy-cup.

 

16. The absence of an apostrophe when it’s necessary. (See what I did there?!)

 

17. The sea. Yeah it looks fab but, it stinks, it’s full of crazy-ass creatures and you can like, die.

 

18. The character Emily in ‘Friends’. I don’t care what anyone says, she was a d*ck. Fact.

 

19. The fact that there is still a lizard hiding in my bathroom and I fear that he is waiting patiently for the perfect moment to re-enact the shower scene from psycho… (updates to come)

 

20. People who use the word ‘bae’ un-sarcastically. Who is ‘bae’ and where the f*ck did they come out of?

 

21. A new-found hate of mine; dirty, rotten mosquito b*stards.

 

22. Liquorice. I really don’t get it. You might as well eat tar. Also, the smell of it reminds me of that one time I almost died. (Shoutout to sambuca for that one.)

 

23. The ending to the series ‘The Good Wife’… WHAT the hell was that about? Seven seasons for what? Shockin’ disappointed I was.

 

24. Someone touching my food. I’m all good with the sharing, not with the touching. (Sounds dodge, but ya get what I mean.)

 

25. When you bite into a slice of pizza, all the cheese comes off and you burn your chin. WHY MEEEE???

 

26. Noise in general. I’m gone fierce sensitive to loud noises in me auld age.

 

27. When there’s no milk for a droppeen a tae. I won’t even go there.

 

28. Busting a hole in my fave jeans. Three pairs gone. THREE. (I blame the government.)

 

29. Someone talking to me while I eat. Food will always take priority, so SHADDUP ’til I’m done.

 

30. When you’re standing in a queue in a shop and the person behind you is so close to you that you nearly have to invite them home with ya for the dinner. Get off me back ya dose.

 

Aaaaaand that’s it!

I think I’ll leave it at 30. There are many more, but I’ll hold it there for now. All genuine hates of mine. No fiction here lads! Well I enjoyed putting that list together. I feel like there’s a real weight off my shoulders… Ahhhh

Hopefully someone got a laugh out of one or two of them or at least related to a few! I’ll try and make my next blog less negative…. (Pfffft, yeah right.)

That’s it from me folks.

Have a great week,

Á bientot,

J.

The ‘D’ word

The following post is based on personal experiences and may contain mature themes…

(Bet you’re curious now…)

Sooo, I got lost driving around Mougins (Moo-zhan) today because I felt like too much of a dumbass to go back into the house to ask someone how to use the SatNav, so I just drove in a random direction, (as you do) and ended up turning back home again after 20 minutes… At least I got out for a nice spin anyway!

Oh yeah, guess what happened THEN; after a loooooonng day, I made myself a mug a tae, (Barry’s. None of your French sh*te), I put it on the coffee table while I went to get something in the kitchen and came back to find Rocco (the 5 month old Wolfhound X) slurping out of my mug of tea while dripping it all over my phone. Now, most people would flip, but all I could do was laugh at the poor shmuck and the big mustache of tea he had. Gas it was….. Ya had to be there I sh’pose.

I know nobody asked; but that was my day! Anyways… I am going to head down a totally different route with this blog, but I’ll try not to darken the mood too much so I’ll pop in an odd funny pic here and there… for example…

Change of plan…..

Ok, funny story (not really though), I tried finding a/an hilarious picture to put above here but I actually couldn’t find any good ones so instead of re-typing the last paragraph, I am just gonna tell ye now, I’m scrapping the whole pic thing this time ’round. It’s 50% the internet’s fault and 50% pure laziness on my part. Anyway, enough sh*te-talk. On to the blog…

The serious bit…

Right, well I’m sure you all know somebody who suffers with, or you yourself suffer with some sort of mental illness, whether it be depression, bi-polar disorder, general anxiety or whatever it may be. It’s becoming more and more common, but a lot of people are still uncomfortable talking about it because they might feel as if they will be treated differently because they have an illness or because they will be seen as ‘mental’.

Well, in this day and age, the only thing that’s ‘mental’ is that there are still some people out there who will make someone feel that way, but whatchyagonnado?…..(Bate them)…..Kidding……Kinda…

So anyway, I wanted to talk a little about my own experience with depression… DUN DUN DUNNNNNN… BUT Before I do, I just want to start by saying this; depression doesn’t make me more special than anyone else, it doesn’t make me feel like I’m more interesting, I didn’t ‘self-diagnose’ or ‘google diagnose’ myself and NO, I’m not looking for attention. Anyone who knows me, knows (or should know) that I am quite the opposite of an attention seeker and it would be a bit ridiculous to use something like that to get attention…. (Some people do it and it drives me f*cking bananas, but we’ll let them off… the big sad B*stards.)

So now that I’ve gotten that part out of the way… (Over 500 words in and I’m still sh*te talking…Jayyysissss.)

RIGHT. Drive on Joanne……DRIVE ON…

OK lads… There are probably two main reasons for this post; 1. I want to (hopefully) write something that a lot of you can relate to by talking about a ‘serious’ subject in a kind-of blunt or a more ‘human’ way than someone who uses big, intelligent words (unlike myself) and then 2. So I can use this post to maybe help myself and put what I deal with into words and use it as a bit of ‘literary therapy’. Oooh fawwncy.

On we go…..

Up until a few years ago, nothing felt out of the ordinary and occasionally I was just the normal amount of sad. Like for instance, when something bad happened or if I had a bad day then yeah, of course I’d be sad. So, in the past few years, things have completely changed and I realised that I was actually sad all of the time.

I have often tried, but it is very, very hard to put into words the feeling of it. It’s as if I had no control over my own head, thoughts, emotions or even my life.

One thing I can say is that I have never felt ashamed of this part of my life and nobody should. I don’t think it makes me or anyone else weird… It’s other crap that makes me weird, but I’ll leave that story for another time… (I know ye’re thinking; ‘Thank God!’)

So yeah, things kind of escalated from there and instead of just being sad all of the time, I didn’t even want to be awake or have to think anymore. I didn’t want to see any people, I didn’t want to get out of bed, dreaded communicating in general with anyone but at the same time, I hated my own company and didn’t want to be alone either. How can ya win?! For months and months I suffered with insomnia to the point where I actually dreaded when it would be nighttime because I knew what it meant…

It was as if I was in a battle with myself in my own head and it was draining the energy out of me. The simplest of tasks, like holding a conversation with someone seemed like a chore and I found myself becoming a pretty good actress at times just to remain ‘friendly’ or ‘normal’. Now don’t get me wrong, this has no reflection on anyone I was talking to, it was just that I didn’t feel capable of any natural social interaction without having to pretend that I was ‘as happy as Larry’ and all that… (Larry always seems to be havin’ a great time fair play to him.)

Over time, I’ve spoken to a few people about this before and I know it’s a common enough thing (what I just described above), but I can only speak for myself. I’m not an expert, I’m just talking about what I know from my own experience so don’t quote me on anything!

So anyway, at first, I hadn’t actually told anybody about what I was feeling because I couldn’t explain it. I found myself hating everything. I literally had a negative thought about everyone and everything and I was exhausted being in my own head. I honestly felt as if I was losing myself. I then thought that I was just a grumpy, cynical b*tch who hated the world (to be fair, I probably am one of those too), but now that I’ve seen my doctors, been diagnosed, found medication that works for me, I can finally see that I wasn’t myself at all.

Obviously medication isn’t the answer to everything and there is of course an answer for whatever ‘imbalance’ happens in the brain for these things to happen, but for now, I’m very, very, very thankful that I no longer feel the way I did before this 100% of the time. Because to be honest; it was f*cking awful. Of course I still have bad days or weeks with it, but I am feeling so much better than I was.

I suppose one thing that some of you could get out of reading this (assuming that someone reads this, ha) is that if you do feel as if you aren’t yourself or you’re ‘down’ or sad more often than not, there may very well be a simple solution. Whether it’s meds, counselling, meditation or whatever other options that you have to try; don’t settle for sadness… (I should trademark that…Quite catchy that one now.)

Although I am over a thousand words into this here, there is a lot I haven’t shared and it’s not because I don’t want to, it’s more that I don’t want to bore you all, unintentionally worry anyone or scare anyone away from reading my stuff because I’m seriously desperate for readers…. DON’T LEAVE!!!! Kidding, kidding……

But yeah, seriously though; in the very recent past, I have had some very, very dark days that I don’t plan on re-living, and I can honestly say that although I knew I had someone I could to talk to, at the time I (stupidly) had no desire to ask for help and I was 100% wrong by thinking that way.

God forbid I find myself in dark times again, I have to remember to ask the people who care about me for a hand back to ‘the other side’. (Sounds very dramatic, but ya know what I mean.)

Believe it, or believe it not; even if you are an absolute w*nker, I can guarantee you, there is someone who loves you and cares about you enough to help and talk to you when you need it. You’re needed more than you think. Ya hear me?!

(Jaysis, I am gone fierce sentimental in me auld age!)

 

The conclusion:

Moral of the story;

  1. You’re not crazy
  2. Depression is super common so don’t be afraid of it
  3. You’re not special (no offence, but none of us are…..aww maaan…)
  4. Even if you’re a d*ckhead, help is always there when you need it
  5. You should ‘like’ this blog on Facebook ’cause I need the publicity (just trying to lighten the mood there)
  6. Find what works for you in terms of help. Just because meds work for me, does not mean they are for everyone. Even I know they are only a temporary solution
  7. Don’t settle for sadness.

Ah would ya look at that, a list of 7; me fave number!

I hope I didn’t bore you all with my rambling and I also hope that at least one person may have related to some part of this. At the end of the day, I’m just one person sharing a personal experience; I’m not a doctor or an expert.

I’ll be back next time with something hilarious to balance things out again!

 

Until then…

Try to be good, be nice and be happy.

 

J.

 

Miss me yet?

Note: I don’t even know yet if I’m going to write anything offensive, but just in case… No offence is intended in the writing of this blog. If you do get offended, then you obviously have no sense of humour and you shouldn’t be here. K, bye…


I know you all can’t see it, but while I’m writing this, there is a squiggly red line underneath the word ‘humour’ above this and it’s really grinding my gears.

I mean, C’MON America, whenn r y’all gunna lern 2 spel tings write?! Huh…

That’s enough of my jibba-jabba, let’s get on with it…


Well, it’s hard to believe that it has been almost 2 months since I’ve written one of these. Shocking, I know. The fans will be gettin’ crabby…

So, how are we?

Since the last time I was talking to you all, I have packed up and moved my ass over to the South of France for a while… (Read my previous blog post to catch up on the shtory there because I haven’t the energy to type it out again.)

So yeah, I’m here over a week now and even in that short space of time, I have learned a lot about France and the French that I didn’t know before, and let’s face it, I didn’t know anything so it’s all a plus!

…*7 hours later*

I started writing this post this morning and I thought I was on a roll, but I had to go and adult for a few hours there and lost my concentration, so I might ramble on a bit.

Seriously though, I can only be useful for a certain amount of hours a day and I’m pretty much running on fumes at this stage… so bare/bear with me… (Use whichever one is right… I’m drawing a blank here.)

So, just for the people who know me and might be wondering how I’m getting on; everything is going good, I’ve settled in well, the job is great, the kids are so lovely, I am keeping up the powerlifting training and yes; I have in fact eaten my own body weight in bread… To be fair, it was bound to happen. This is me we’re talking about here.

It’s kind of strange; even though I’m in a country I had never even been to before now, when I’m in the house, it doesn’t even feel like I’m in a different country, because the family I work for aren’t French, so I’m very comfortable with them and I feel at home… But then I leave the house, someone talks to me in French and I’m just like “AAAAGGHHHH DON’T TALK TO ME, I DON’T KNOW WORDS”…. *runs away*….

But yeah, everything is just dandy!

Ah no, I’m happy out besides the language barrier in shops and that. I’m using an app to teach myself basic French though because there is only so far you can get by nodding and smiling at everyone. They’re going to start to think I’m just a proper dumbass if I keep doing that…

Aw lads the car… I’m feelin’ like a right beasht now driving around in a big automatic Audi. Four kids in the back & me there roaring “MOVE B*TCH, GET OUT THE WAY” at the other cars….. Ah Jaysis no I don’t do that… but can ya imagine though…

It’s one mighty vehicle altogether. Thank God it’s an automatic, because you should see some of the crazy steep roads and lane-ways they have here. The clutch would probably be gone in no time in a manual with all the hill starts in traffic jams!

Enough of that nonsense now. This is off topic altogether but; great news lads!… My next IPF competition (powerlifting) is on the 10th of December and I can’t flipping wait! I entered it there this evening and I’ll be flying back for it and will hopefully get to see the aul’ fam while I’m there. (Of course I will… sure me mother would have me murdered if I didn’t.) Anyway, I’m delighted now that I have an actual event to train towards again to keep me focused. That being said, I should have gone to train today, but did I?… I’ll let ye guess that one yourselves…

So the competition… It was just announced as a ‘last chance’ open competition to qualify for the 2018 Nationals, but I am just focusing on competing to put up a new total, because the standards are crazy high to qualify for Nationals and I probably won’t make it this time… It’s not that this is a really touchy subject for me or anything but let’s just move past it really swiftly… *crawls into corner crying*……. kidding!…Sort of…

I suppose I’m going to get a tad sentimental here for a minute… *dims lights*…

I won’t get too soppy here now but, before I came over here, I was up in a metaphorical heap of sadness over leaving people behind… (You would swear I was moving away or something?!…….oh wait….)

I wouldn’t mind, but I was actually grand until I was handed a lovely ‘good luck’ card signed by my club mates after the powerlifting competition we were at the day before I flew out. Just at that moment, I completely lost all control over my waterworks. (I mean that I started crying….. I didn’t p*ss myself or anything.)

I’m going to be honest here though; I am a seriously ugly crier… Like, full-on red face, mascara everywhere, shnots streaming and the lot, so all I kept thinking was “F*CK YE AND YE’RE CARD, I LOOK LIKE TOTAL SH*TE NOW…. WAAAAAAHHHHHHH…” But anyways…. I’d like to say I pulled myself together then, but I swear, I was crying like a lil’ b*tch the whole way home in the car and throughout the night while we were out for drinks I would just randomly start bawling again, so yeah… Obviously I’m completely emotionally stable….Ahem…. but yeah, it was so sweet of them and it meant so much to me. I miss them all madly, so just a little shout-out to my APC buds…xXx

Right, that’s enough sad talk before I start again…

Anyways… My point is; it nearly killed me to leave, but I am enjoying my time here now that I’ve made the move!

It’s a scary thing to do though when you can’t be guaranteed to like the place, so I am very fortunate to be in a good situation here…. (Serious bad buzz about the fact that they haven’t discovered turkey burgers over here yet though… get with the times people, it’s not 2015 anymore.)

While I’m here, I just want to throw this random statement in; all mosquitos are w*nkers and I hate them. That is all.

…I had actually planned on writing a super funny list of things I have discovered about France since being here, but I’m not feeling very witty today so I went with a super long essay style blog instead… everyone’s fave! I’ll just keep the list one for next time when I’m my usual hilarious self again…. *Watch this space.*

Anyways lads, I hope to write a bit more frequently, so I shall talk to you all soon about what I’ve been up to.

Just one last thing though….. I love the way I’ve typed over a thousand words here, yet back in school, if I had to do that, I’d have just been like; “Nope. I don’t even know that many words, it’s impossible and I hate writing about sh*t.”

….and now I LOVE writing about sh*t!… Lucky ye!

Have a great week.

A bientot,

J.

Au revoir… for now

Warning: The following post is guaranteed to cause a serious dose of ‘the watery eyes’ once you read the news.

 


 

Bonjour! Well that’s it… the extent of my French.

So here’s my news; *drum-roll*………I’m moving to the South of France!  To be more specific, I’m moving to a place 10 minutes from Cannes in an area called Mougins. (I’m not sure how that’s pronounced but I’m assuming the ‘s’ is ilent?!)

I know, I know, you’re all heartbroken right?…..Right?

It hasn’t really sunk in yet but I’m super excited about going and I’m up in a heap at the same time! I mean, it’s fairly unlike me to make such a big change but I think I need this… Ya know, YOLO and all that! It’s about time I did something different with my life… Ya know9, something other than changing to gluten-free bread. (Wild, I know.)

Before I go on, I just want to state a few things; (this is more for my own peace of mind)

1. I am 100% continuing with powerlifting training and will be coming back to Ireland for any events and competitions etc…

2. I checked and there are gyms within 10 minutes walking distance from where I will be living so I’ll have no excuses.

3. I actually don’t have a third thing to say but it always looks better when a list has 3 parts.

So yeah, I’m going to be working as an au pair (live-in nanny) minding 4 children for a family with one Irish parent, one English parent and then the 4 kids (or ‘sproggs’ as some people call them!) Seeing as I did German in school, luckily enough, the parents aren’t French and they run a chain of Irish bars in France so there won’t be too much of a language barrier… Well, that is unless I meet someone from Kerry over there, ’cause nobody ever knows what they’re saying!

I’m not going to get into too many details but it was a great job offer, I get my evenings and weekends off, they have a pool and the living situation will be really good so I couldn’t say no!

The family I’ll be working for are spending the month of August in Ireland so I am going to get to meet them while they’re here (and charm their socks off of course) and then I’ll be heading over for good in the first week of September. I won’t know what has hit me with the good weather there but I guarantee you I will come back still looking like a milk-bottle!

I’m not going to lie, I’m definitely going to really, really, REALLY miss some people (and dogs) when I go and that part of it kills me and makes me not want to go. All of those people might not know who they are but I plan on letting them know. Even though I’m very independent, I’ve never dealt well with seperation from people (yes I’m a big sap), but I have to just keep reminding myself that I can come back and visit at any time, it’s not forever and I’m not going to be a million miles away! (This is me trying NOT to talk myself out of going…. As you can see, it’s going well.)

On the bright side, I am going to have a lot more things to blog about! (Aren’t you all so lucky?!) I’ll hopefully get a bit of travelling done on the weekends to give me something to write about and get some good photos too… *Watch this space…*

In the mean-time, I’m trying to spend more time with the people I care about. (I know, cringe.) Over the past few years I definitely haven’t taken advantage of any of my free-time so I’m going to use it now to see friends and family and hope that they have free-time too! I know there’s Facebook and all that to help me keep in-touch with people but it’s just not the same talking to a phone or computer screen ya know? It’s not like you can give your laptop a hug… Well you can, but it would be weird.

Anyways, I literally have nothing done to organise myself for going. I know packing will be the last thing but even that will be a challenge. Let’s just say, I wouldn’t be the lightest packer… Other than that, I’m a bit in the dark. I mean, I don’t even know what I should be doing? Can I even use my phone over there? Or my Visa Debit card? What sort of plugs do they use? WHO AM I?!!!!

*Calms self*……This is what happens when I start to think about it so I might just leave this stuff ’til the last minute… like I normally do.

Well, that’s the most news I’ve had in a while, but before I start to make this long story any longer, I better wrap things up.

So, to summarize; I’m going to try and see as many people as I can before I go (you could be next), I’m heading off in the first weekend in September (giving you all enough time to organise my going away party… don’t worry, I’ll act surprised) and I now need to go and ask if there is a maximum amount of suitcases one can bring on a plane… asking for a friend….. I swear.

 

Until next time…

 

J.

 

What parents say VS what they actually mean

The characters and events in this blog are fictitious. Any apparent similarity to real persons is not intended by the author and is either a coincidence or the product of your own troubled imagination.

(I’d like to be able to say that I came up with that myself, but no, I had to copy and paste that sh*t.)


 

SO, I’ve been thinking about writing this one for a while and I finally got around to it… Albeit at 4am on a Friday morning, but sure I do my best thinking at this time!

We all say things sometimes when really we mean something else altogether… We just hope that the other person will get the hint and not take offence. I thought I’d come up with a short list of examples of how parents can be guilty of this!…. You’re more likely to relate if you’re Irish I think but still, Enjoy…

Note: No offence was intended in the writing of this blog.

1.

The use of dreaded technology

What parents say: “Oh God, I haven’t a clue how to use this yoke, sure we didn’t grow up with phones, will you send this text for me?”

What they mean: “I’m going to milk the whole ‘I’m old and can’t use technology’ thing for as long as I can so that I don’t have to write my own texts because I couldn’t be arsed, so will you do it for me?”


 

2.

The clothes line

What parents say: “JAYSIS will you bring in the clothes off the line, it’s starting to piss!!!”

What they mean: “You better run like a b*stard and get those clothes in or ther’ll be shlaps thrown all sides… and make sure you hang them up inside too.”


 

3.

The third degree

What parents say: “Where are you off to?”

What they mean: “Where are you going? Who are you going to see? How long will you be gone? What are you going to be doing? What time will you be back and will you bring home a litre of milk with you?”


 

4.

The ‘subtle’ question

What parents say: “Had you enough money?”

What they mean: “You better give me back my change ya little sh*t.”


 

5.

The guilt trip

What parents say: “Don’t go gettin’ me anything for my birthday now, save your money.”

What they mean: “I’m only telling you not to get me anything so that you’ll feel guilty and do a heap of housework to make up for not getting me a present.”


 

6.

The attempt at reverse psychology

What parents say: “Right so, it’s up to yourself if that’s what you want to do…”

What they mean: “If you do it, you’re a muppet and don’t say I didn’t warn you…………………….don’t do it.”


 

7.

The outfit

What parents say: “That’s what you’re wearing is it?”

What they mean: “Holy mother of Jesus what is she wearing out, the whole family will be put to shame.”


 

8.

The warning

What parents say: “Mind yourself on the road now.”

What they mean: “Get a scratch on my car and God love you, you needn’t bother coming home.”


 

9.

The trick

What parents say: “Dinner’s ready!”

What they mean: “Dinner isn’t ready yet, but I called you knowing that it would piss you off to have to wait another 15 minutes.”


 

10.

The test

What your mother says: “Go and ask your dad.”

What she means: “That fella better not say ‘yes’ or I’ll bate him.”


 

11.

The test results

What your dad says: “What did your mother say?”

What he means: “Don’t ask me, just do what your mother said or she’ll bate me.”


 

12.

The throwback

What your parents say: “I wouldn’t have gotten away with doing something like that when I was your age.”

What they mean: “I don’t give a sh*t what dodgy stuff I did back in the day, you’re not gettin’ away with it now.”


 

13.

The remote

What your parents say: “Is there anything on TV you want to watch?”

What they mean: “LOL JK, tough sh*t, The Late Late Show is on!”


 

 

To be continued…


 

Happy Friday & have a great weekend.

 

J.